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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
10-31-2008, 02:59 PM
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#1
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Iowa
Posts: 25
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My first poem
ok I wrote this poem a little while ago, but haven't wrote any poems scince then...here is the poem
Hatred
give the hated pain, make them bleed
they must go away, never to be seen again
as for the haters, the need not be punished
for they have done nothing wrong
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10-31-2008, 03:01 PM
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#2
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Don't quit school.
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10-31-2008, 03:04 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Iowa
Posts: 25
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wtf...when did I say I was going to quit school?... I know it doesn't have good grammer, but...still
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10-31-2008, 03:05 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: somewhere, I suppose
Posts: 1,733
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Well, it could use a bit of work...
I suggest you make it less wordy and use more imagery.
__________________
Peace, love, and happiness.
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Originally Posted by dead_dreams
What the Hell is wrong with you!?!?! who the Hell kill's helpless and innocent babies? that's f***ing sick!!!
Don't you have anything better to do than pollute our forums?!?
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10-31-2008, 03:08 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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You didn't say it.
I don't criticize with contempt very often, so you must understand that for me that was the "lowest" I have ever gone in terms of negative criticism.
OK, here is something more constructive:
Take the emotion, the hatred and the violence and express it symbolically.
What you have written here comes across as very simple.
Symbolism makes it more...entertaining.
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10-31-2008, 03:08 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,678
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Less wordy?! It only has 31 words! The problem isn't that it's wordy, it's that you chose those specific words, and you chose them for a specific reason, and both selection processes are flawed.
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10-31-2008, 03:11 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: somewhere, I suppose
Posts: 1,733
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by HumanePain
You didn't say it.
I don't criticize with contempt very often, so you must understand that for me that was the "lowest" I have ever gone in terms of negative criticism.
OK, here is something more constructive:
Take the emotion, the hatred and the violence and express it symbolically.
What you have written here comes across as very simple.
Symbolism makes it more...entertaining.
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Ah, that's what I meant.
Thanks for using better words. Haha.
__________________
Peace, love, and happiness.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by dead_dreams
What the Hell is wrong with you!?!?! who the Hell kill's helpless and innocent babies? that's f***ing sick!!!
Don't you have anything better to do than pollute our forums?!?
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10-31-2008, 03:13 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Iowa
Posts: 25
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hmm...ok...I'll work on it...well that was my first poem I ever wrote so I wanted feedback on what specific things that needed to be fixed
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10-31-2008, 03:54 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: United States
Posts: 761
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by emogamer
scince
Hatred
give the hated pain, make them bleed
they must go away, never to be seen again
as for the haters, the need not be punished
for they have done nothing wrong
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"Scince" is spelled "since".
Sorry, but that sounded terribly "emo-ish".
__________________
Welcome to hell.
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10-31-2008, 03:56 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: United States
Posts: 761
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by JCC
Less wordy?! It only has 31 words! The problem isn't that it's wordy, it's that you chose those specific words, and you chose them for a specific reason, and both selection processes are flawed.
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I second that.
__________________
Welcome to hell.
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10-31-2008, 04:53 PM
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#11
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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Dude!
WHAT
THE
FUCK
are you saying with that 'poem'?!
Punish the hated; make them bleed.
The haters have done nothing wrong, let them keep hating.
Did you honestly want to say that or are you not even paying attention to what you write?
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
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Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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10-31-2008, 04:58 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian
Dude!
WHAT
THE
FUCK
are you saying with that 'poem'?!
Punish the hated; make them bleed.
The haters have done nothing wrong, let them keep hating.
Did you honestly want to say that or are you not even paying attention to what you write?
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What he was trying to say was with a two fold perspective:
The Hated
and
Those who hate them (the Hat ers)
two sides of the same coin. Almost Manichean except he used hate on both sides. It could have been great but for his limited vocabulary and lack of imagery.
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