Requesting Constructive Criticism

voodoowitchdr · 03-31-2009, 03:08 PM

I have some lyrics I wrote earlier today for song about my hatred for my exgirlfriend (I won't go into the details.) Any ideas for revision I will appreciate.

First Draft:

Get out of my life,
Or take it with you.
Raise the knife,
And cut me in two.
I want to bleed you out,
Out of my heart.
I scream and shout,
As you rip me apart!

I hate your laugh,
I hate your smile,
Calling my death,
While,
You haunt me every day,
Killing my soul.
Why can't i get away,
Why can't i be whole?

Hell is heaven,
Compared to,
Being with you!

Duane · 03-31-2009, 03:19 PM

I don't like it, just seemed you wrote it right after the business.

maggot · 03-31-2009, 03:31 PM

Go make an intro or no soup for you!

voodoowitchdr · 03-31-2009, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Duane

I don't like it, just seemed you wrote it right after the business.

The actual breakup took place several months ago, but at one point she convinced me that she missed me, and I thought she wanted to go out with me again. This was followed by about two months of awkwardness that i can't fully explain. Now she won't speak to me, and I constantly bump into her. That is why I hate her laugh and her smile. I always see her enjoying herself while I start to feel empty and worthless, again. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized I had no attraction to her any more, just hatred. Then today i finally put what I felt into words. Now I want to make a decent song that will express what I feel and capture an audience. I think that the actual song will be mainly acoustic with some twelve string guitar, then finished off with a long electric guitar solo. If I can make a demo later I will post it or email it to anyone who wants it.

Duane · 03-31-2009, 03:49 PM

Oh... then you're just not that good at writing lyrics. Don't worry, I'm not much better.

voodoowitchdr · 03-31-2009, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Duane

Oh... then you're just not that good at writing lyrics. Don't worry, I'm not much better.

I much better at writing guitar riffs than lyrics. I used to write all my lyrics as sonnets, but I haven't done that in a while. I might post some of my old stuff if I can find it. Don't forget that the lyrics above are a first draft. I want to improve them and suggestions will help.

Sinjob · 03-31-2009, 04:33 PM

Then you should stick with writing the guitar riffs, just maybe. In all due respect this sounds like a Weird-Al Yankovic parody of some My Chem or Three Days Grace song.

And yeah, do an intro.

EDIT: *rereads* You know what, I gotta cancel out the 'All Due Respect' part out. Goodbye.

voodoowitchdr · 03-31-2009, 05:14 PM

Well, since this one seems to be worthless I'll try to dig out one of my old ones, give me a little while to find it.

voodoowitchdr · 03-31-2009, 05:35 PM

Okay, this one is called Rivers Of Fire. It was written as a sonnett, then epanded. Some of it may be good and some, not so good. I will more than likely trim it down to streamline it a bit. I think that at the momment it's longer than stairway to heaven.

Rivers Of Fire:

I set out to cross the rivers of fire,
Just another soul for the powers that be.
Bridges of sin call with wanton desire,
And all the while salvation laughs at me.

I feel the burning heat upon my face,
As shifting orange flames leap for my head.
Once more I turn to the dark's cold embrace.
When will I take my place among the dead?

The fire doth bend me; the fire doth shape me,
In the long struggle to eternity.

I feel it's much too late to turn back now,
I've jumped through too many high hoops to fail.
To the greater powers I will not bow,
I will carry on down my fiery trail.

One day I will rise, one day I will fall,
Through pain and suffering, my soul stands tall.

Blood runs down over the ashen black hills.
The sacrifice of old, it haunts me still.
I see the man paying for all his kills,
Whipped by demons, he feeds the fires their fill.

Why do I walk now deeper and deeper,
In distant pursuit of my soul's keeper?

From atop a mountain of skulls and flame,
Judgment looks down upon me glaring hard.
His iron gaze brings out my guilt soaked shame,
This pressure is too great for me by far.

The kiss of death hovers above my lips,
Trying to lure me in with false passion.
From its blackened lips, deadly poisons drip,
Burning my soul in unholy fashion.

What is human blood? The luster of life?
Or holy fluid spilled in needless strife?
Blood is the fire that beats within us all,
Making us trust, desire, envy, and fall.

That's it.

Bonquisha Brown · 03-31-2009, 05:50 PM

These lyrics scream "mallcore" to me.

voodoowitchdr · 03-31-2009, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bonquisha Brown

These lyrics scream "mallcore" to me.

Do you mean the lyrics at the top of the page or Rivers Of Fire?

Apathy's_Child · 04-01-2009, 11:43 AM

Pretty crappy, dude. Try this for a writing excercise: write lyrics without a single familiar image. NOTHING you've ever seen anywhere before is allowed in. Images of blood, fire and hearts being cut in two are so redundant they border on plagiarism. It's hard when you first start out, but it's the only way to get good.

Best of luck with it.

Pyre · 04-01-2009, 02:05 PM

The second is better than the intro, but only because I like the way you worded certain things. I am too upfront to write poetry: I typically write things as they are, so I suck at symbolism and imagery.

isobel black · 04-01-2009, 02:40 PM

It always baffles me how few people know a poem or song is supposed to have meter. At least in the case of a poem you can claim it's free verse, but a song definitely needs at least a semblance of a steady rhythm.

So, colour me constructive.

magnificent bastard · 04-01-2009, 03:03 PM

I know I'm new (only second post) but....

Not very good... sorry.

Solumina · 04-01-2009, 03:14 PM

You really need to work on your word choice and editing. The way that you write comes off as scattered and as though you haven't really thought about it. If you put a bit more though into word choice then it wont sound so much like angst.

Quote:

Originally Posted by magnificent bastard

I know I'm new (only second post) but....

Not very good... sorry.

Not really constructive there.

magnificent bastard · 04-01-2009, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Solumina

You really need to work on your word choice and editing. The way that you write comes off as scattered and as though you haven't really thought about it. If you put a bit more though into word choice then it wont sound so much like angst.

Not really constructive there.

Pick on the new guy.... sure.

Solumina · 04-01-2009, 03:19 PM

Yeah, I'm really well known for being a bitch to the new kids

magnificent bastard · 04-01-2009, 03:24 PM

Well.... it seems I've already made a friend.

voodoowitchdr · 04-01-2009, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by isobel black

It always baffles me how few people know a poem or song is supposed to have meter. At least in the case of a poem you can claim it's free verse, but a song definitely needs at least a semblance of a steady rhythm.

So, colour me constructive.

If you read the second song I posted it follows an iambicpentameter. Like I said it was originally a sonnett so I kept the same rythum when I expanded it. The first one I posted was a free verse, but I can change that later.

voodoowitchdr · 04-01-2009, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pyre

The second is better than the intro, but only because I like the way you worded certain things. I am too upfront to write poetry: I typically write things as they are, so I suck at symbolism and imagery.

You probably figured out that River's of Fire was a metaphor for the cycle of life and death, well I guess it isn't show as a cycle, it's more of a linear poem. I tried to use as much imagery as possible. I know that some one earlier said that I was using the same old same old for imagery. I'm not trying to reinvent anything or be redundant, I just like to stick to classical metaphors that speak to people, a common symbol among cultures. Dante's Inferno really cemented the fire image in to most of the world.

isobel black · 04-01-2009, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by voodoowitchdr

If you read the second song I posted it follows an iambicpentameter. Like I said it was originally a sonnett so I kept the same rythum when I expanded it. The first one I posted was a free verse, but I can change that later.

Ok, so much for being constructive.

First line, 14 syllables, constitutes a heptameter. Second line, 15 syllables, constitutes no meter.

And don't even get me started on your atrocious spelling.

voodoowitchdr · 04-01-2009, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by isobel black

Ok, so much for being constructive.

First line, 14 syllables, constitutes a heptameter. Second line, 15 syllables, constitutes no meter.

And don't even get me started on your atrocious spelling.

I set out to cross the rivers of fire,

You can't tell me that's 14, I count ten.

isobel black · 04-01-2009, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by voodoowitchdr

I set out to cross the rivers of fire,

You can't tell me that's 14, I count ten.

Right, my mistake. Still no pentameter though, ALL the lines have to be 10 syllables. Also definitely no Iambic stress pattern. If you really intended to compose a sonnet, why not adhere to the structure?

Pyre · 04-01-2009, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Solumina

Yeah, I'm really well known for being a bitch to the new kids

No, that's Ophelia's job, and she's damn proud of it. You're too much of a pushover to be that mean <3

I am kidding, but I think you are too soft on them :P