Monsantanstravaganza!
A black comedy
By Despanan
A playwright walks onto the stage:
Playwright: MonsantanSTRAVAGANZA! By…you know, I think I’ll leave my name out of it.
HAITIAN and MONSANTNO EXECUTIVE enter.
Playwright: Lights up on HAITI. Man does it suck to be in Haiti right now. Everything is on fire, and also in a hole.
Haitan: Man does it suck in be in Haiti right now. Everything is on fire. And also in a hole.
Monsanto Executive starts to speak; playwright cuts him off.
Playwright: Oh, in my stage directions, it says that this guy is played by a viper in a nice suit…also the viper is short…and a closet bisexual…and he has a gun and voted for the Tea Party because Quote: the democrats are even worse.
Monsanto Executive: (played by a viper in a nice suit…also the viper is short…and a closet bisexual…and he has a gun and voted for the Tea Party because “the democrats are even worse.”) Hey.
Haitian: Sup?
Monsanto Executive: Doin' my thing. Sup with you?
Haitian: The usual. Starving. Covered in ash. My house is burning across the street...
Monsanto Executive: OOh, yeah, that sounds pretty rough...I mean, I have an apartment so the damage would be minimal, BUT IT SUCKS FOR YOU.
Haitian: Well, actually it was on fire when I bought the place.
Monsanto Executive: Is it less on fire now?
Haitian: Well, the aftershock kicked up the dust a bit and that's choking some of the flames in my shitter.
Monsanto Executive: Sounds like you came out on top.
Haitian: Really?
Monsanto Executive: It's QUAINT.
Haitian: Yeah, it almost looks like a burning hallmark.
Monsanto Executive: Hey, I'm a little peckish. Is there somewhere we could go? Grab a bite?
Haitian: Well there's always The Hole.
Monsanto Executive: The Hole? What is that? A bar?
Haitian: It's a hole.
Monsanto Executive: Oh...
Haitian: There are grubs...sometimes…also it’s on fire, and inside another hole.
Monsanto Executive: You know what? Dinner is on ME.
Haitian: Really?
Monsanto Executive: Yeah. I have an office. Have some corn.
He tosses Haitian a packet
Haitian: What are these?
Monsanto Executive: Corn
Haitian: It says “seeds”.
Monsanto Executive: Corn seeds.
Haitian: “Monsanto Corn Product seeds”.
Monsanto Executive: Aren’t I a nice guy? Now you have Corn!
Haitian: I already have corn.
Monsanto Executive: You do?
Haitian: Well, it's on fire...and in a hole.
Monsanto Executive: Sounds like my seeds are just the thing for you.
Haitian: Hey, there's a warning on here!
Monsanto Executive: (surprised) Holy shit! You can read?
Haitian: Yeah. I'm a person. Many of us can read.
Monsanto Executive: You sure?
Haitian: Pretty sure.
Monsanto Executive: I mean can you REALLY read or--
Haitian: Dude...there's a warning on here.
Monsanto Executive: Not important.
Haitian: "Warning: Will Kill You".
Monsanto Executive: Technically
Hatiain: What does this say?
Monsanto Executive: (Quickly) It says I'm a humanitarian. You want the seeds or not?
Haitian: (Reading) Wear protective clothing?
Monsanto Executive: Yeah you should probably do that.
Haitian: What, like...gloves?
Monsanto Executive: Yeah, sure...gloves...well gauntlets really...made of unobtainium...and forged in the fires of Mount Doom...
Haitian: Could I like—?
Monsanto Executive: Copyright Monsanto.
Haitian: Wear like—?
Monsanto Executive: Only one hundred and ninety-nine—
Haitian: Rubber or—
Monsanto Executive: Ninety five.
A beat, HATIAN waits to see if he will be interrupted
Haitian: Burlap—?
Monsanto Executive: (interrupting) Plus tax.
Pause.
Monsanto Executive: (Genuinely self-satisfied) Man I am sooo civic minded...
Haitain: This stuff doesn't reproduce…
Monsanto Executive: Yeah first taste is free, after that you gotta pay...
Haitian: For the seeds?
Monsanto Executive: And the equipment...really, you want to be wearing a fucking space-suit when you plant that shit.
Haitian: Is it safe to eat?
Monsanto Executive: The seed? Oh, no. Absolutely not. You will explode. The corn...yeaaaaaahh? PROBABLY.
ENTER FRANKLIN GRAHAM, his suit is solid gold and he flies a jetpack....which is gold and is also fueled by gold.
Playwright: ENTER FRANKLIN GRAHAM, his suit is solid gold and he flies a jetpack....which is gold and is also fueled by gold.
Graham: SUP HOMIES?
Monsanto Executive: Sup G-MAN!??
Graham: This jet pack kicks ASS!!!!
Haitian: Hey Franklin.
Graham: You accepted Jesus yet?
Monsanto Executive: Yeah.
Graham: What? Really?
Haitian: I'm Catholic...
Monsanto Executive: Awwe that's cute...no really, you found Jesus yet?
Haitian: I'm Catholic.
Graham: This guy! MAN I LOVE this guy. Will you look at him? I know you. I know your end-game. You and that voodoo. Dolls and brick dust.
Haitian: That's my neighbor, everyone thinks he's crazy.
Graham: Yeah, this is all his fault…
Haitian: It's his fault my house on fire?
Graham: No...I did that.
Pause. HAITIAN starts to speak.
Graham
interrupting) Jet pack.
Monsanto Executive: That thing, that thing is awesome.
Graham: But MAN was it expensive...Had to lay off 10% of my staff just to afford it...and pay myself...over a million dollars. (He winks at the audience)
Haitian: Why would you-?
Graham: Jet pack fuel. This thing runs on gold bars and foie gras...and faberge eggs...well not EGGS per say faberge DRAGONS. Man thank THE LORD for secular Government grants.
Haitian: Am I gonna see any of that? I mean I'm kind of uncomfortable over here-
Graham: You accepted Jesus yet?
Haitian: I’M CATHOLIC.
Graham: Heathen...
Haitian: What?
Graham: WEEEELLLLL...I'm NOT allowed to actually REFUSE YOU...but I will.
Haitian: Huh?
Graham: You've got bigger problems than your house being on fire and your country being on fire, and your wife being a hole.
Haitian: MY WIFE IS IN A HOLE—
Graham: You sold your country to the devil.
Haitian: CA—!
Graham: That guy over there! Look at him! He's choking a chicken!
Haitian: HE'S GOING TO EAT IT!
Graham: (Thoughtful) The devil does tempt us…
Haitian: Wait..wait…I know and you know it’s illegal to refuse me because you think I’m not the right kind of Christian! That was government money you accepted! You HAVE to help me.
Graham: Well...Yes. technically but imagine you're in a hospital and there's a disease you're not allowed to treat under the law…what do you do? Do you disobey orders and save the person's life even though it's technically (Air Quotes) illegal?
Playwright: HAITIAN looks at GRAHAM with a Bald Eagle W.T.F.? look; like if a bald eagle was upset and also confused. GRAHAM is nonplussed.
HAITIAN looks at GRAHAM with a Bald Eagle W.T.F.? (like if a bald eagle was upset and also confused)
Graham: (nonplussed) There is a difference between LEGALITY and
MORALITY...and that difference is a solid gold jet pack fueled by gold, foie gras, and faberge DRAGONS .
Haitian: but..I-
Graham: You can’t fault me! I may be breaking the law and committing fraud while enriching myself, but I HONESTLY BELIEVE THE STUPID SHIT THAT I’M SAYING.
Monsanto Executive: He’s got a point there.
Haitian: I don’t think…
Monsanto Executive: Look, forget about him…you want the seeds or not?
Haitian: This says they'll make me crap blood!
Monsanto Executive: Actually, they’ll make your blood crap blood. But they're FREE! Dude, quit being a fag about this.
Playwright winces.
Graham: He’s a fag? I SOOOOOOOO can’t help him now.
Haitian: What? No! I’m not gay! My wife is a hole—I mean in a hole! What—?
Graham: Then accept his Christian Charity.
Haitian: This says his Christian Charity goes around at night murdering other seeds!
Monsanto Executive: LOOK THERE'S A WARNING LABEL ON IT! THAT SHIT'S EXPENSIVE! I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO MY STOCKHOLDERS!
Playwright: I should’ve worked in a “cockholders” joke right there…
Haitian: And it says you get to "bang" my wife!
Graham: The FDA approves it.
Haitian: The FDA?
Monsanto Executive: Fuck DAT ASS!
Haitian: What is wrong with you people?
Graham: What’s wrong with you? FAG.
Monsanto Executive: Beggars can't be choosers.
Haitian: I wasn't begging and I’m not a f…I’m not gay!
Monsanto Executive: THEN TAKE THE FREE MONSANTO COPYWRIGHTED CORN-TYPE PRODUCT WHICH I’M REQUIRED BY LAW TO SAY WILL PROBABLY KILL YOU. You're making my stockholders look like assholes ya FAG!
Graham: I am SO not using this ridiculously lucrative government grant to help you now. Hate to break your heart sugar-tits but it was like 11 BILLION DOLLARS. I can build a whole CITY on this fucker, but a city in Haiti? That would just be a city of the devil…and voodoo…and buttsex.
Haitian: I’m Catholic!…Wait okay that last one was fair.
Graham: So take his death-corn and count yourself lucky.
Haitian: If I take his corn it says He'll own my country for 300 years!
Monsanto Executive: Now you’re just arguing semantics.
Graham: Better him than the devil…that’s what got you into this mess.
Haitian: It's burning through the packet...
Monsanto Executive: It's FREE.
Haitian: IT’S BURNING THROUGH MY HAND!
Graham: You'll be fine...just pray over it. After accepting Jesus Christ.
Haitian: I'M CATHOLIC.
Playwirght: Oh shit..here comes the voodoo guy…I was drunk when I wrote him, please don’t be mad at me.
Seriously, Look it up Online
