Eighteen: A poem

[skuggirotta]

This is something I wrote recently, just looking for general feedback. I'm also really curious to read some other people's poetry as well, so I will be poking around the lit. thread a bit!


Eighteen

Rooftop moments shared with the skies
Teenage years witnessed only by the stars
Bottoms up, drink in the clouds
Cheers to the forgotten ones
The loss of innocence has come and gone
And in its place a dark confusion
That lingers through the golden sunset
Tinting the world with the weight of gray
When will the growing up be over
The stretching of limbs
The development of budding brainwaves
All searching for an identity
But finding only emptiness
Wandering the sleepy streets
In hopes of something new
Find a party of rowdy strangers
Chugging on their brew
Put on a trashy show for them
Girls kissing girls, oh how scandalous
Lying on a dingy blue rug
Our tongues exploring one another
Their eager eyes
Drinking in our reckless lust
Maybe it was degrading
But just between you and I
It left me feeling dirty
But I liked it all the same

[MissCheyenne]

Is this finished?

I ask because I like the idea, I like the form but there are some parts that just feel incomplete to me, like maybe they could be worded better or differently?

Much better than a lot of the absolute toss I've seen lately though

[skuggirotta]

It's a work in progress, there are a couple areas that feel "jerky" to me. I think it makes a big leap from generalized reflection to almost in the moment action. I'm wondering what areas seemed incomplete to you, so I can take a closer look at them.

[MissCheyenne]

Originally Posted by skuggirotta

This is something I wrote recently, just looking for general feedback. I'm also really curious to read some other people's poetry as well, so I will be poking around the lit. thread a bit!


Eighteen

Rooftop moments shared with the skies
Teenage years witnessed only by the stars
Bottoms up, drink in the clouds
Cheers to the forgotten ones
The loss of innocence has come and gone
And in its place a dark confusion
That lingers through the golden sunset
Tinting the world with the weight of gray
When will the growing up be over
The stretching of limbs
The development of budding brainwaves
All searching for an identity
But finding only emptiness
Wandering the sleepy streets
In hopes of something new
Find a party of rowdy strangers
Chugging on their brew
Put on a trashy show for them
Girls kissing girls, oh how scandalous
Lying on a dingy blue rug
Our tongues exploring one another
Their eager eyes
Drinking in our reckless lust
Maybe it was degrading
But just between you and I
It left me feeling dirty
But I liked it all the same

I highlighted red for what I assume is a question, it doesn't resolve, which doesn't quite sit right for me and blue for the bits that seem incomplete or in need of rewording.


I like the last two lines, they just work for me.

[Apathy's_Child]

...I genuinely cannot remember the last time annyone posted a poem that demonstrated any awareness of meter and wasn't in archaic formalist rhyme.

Originally Posted by skuggirotta

Eighteen

Rooftop moments shared with the skies
Teenage years witnessed only by the stars [I wouldn't use the word "teenage"; personally, I think that an already sentimental opening line can't really carry the sentimental connotations of the word without being somehow a little sacchirine.
Bottoms up, drink in the clouds
Cheers to the forgotten ones
The loss of innocence has come and gone
And in its place a dark confusion
That lingers through the golden sunset
Tinting the world with the weight of gray
When will the growing up be over
The stretching of limbs
The development of budding brainwaves [awkward - "development" doesn't work IMO. "Evolution"? Something else, anyway, I'd say
All searching for an identity
But finding only emptiness This line, and the line above it, are pure cliche. Also, it's that old show-don't-tell chestnut; you want to be telling the story of those searching for identity by showing it, not by just telling the reader that's what's up
Wandering the sleepy streets
In hopes of something new
Find a party of rowdy strangers
Chugging on their brew
Put on a trashy show for them
Girls kissing girls, oh how scandalous
Lying on a dingy blue rug
Our tongues exploring one another
Their eager eyes
Drinking in our reckless lust
Maybe it was degrading
But just between you and I
It left me feeling dirty
But I liked it all the same

Sorry if I sound overly critical - this really isn't bad. I liked the sparing use of inconsistent rhyme. And the meter is actually pretty good for the most part, which you barely ever see around here. Most of the issues I had were with the content. But that's a whole other matter. I'm guessing you read a fair amount of poetry?

[skuggirotta]

Thanks MissCheyenne for highlighting the areas in question. I agree that it needs some work there. I'll see what I can do!

Apathy's Child - Thanks for the feedback, I admit to not thinking at all about the meter other than reading aloud and trying to form a flow from there. I tend to get all tightened up when trying to work that out right off the bat, though it probably wouldn't hurt to go back and you know...make it work haha. I agree with the two cliche lines, now that you mention it. I sort of had an unformed inkling that that was the case but was blinded by reading it over and over.

I will also admit that I haven't actually read much poetry...I've only just started writing in the past few months. I guess I always just assumed it was all beyond me somehow.

Thanks for the feed back, it's really appreciated!

[Apathy's_Child]

Well, you seem to have a pretty good ear for meter, in that case. Although obviously reading a range is always good. What kind of stuff do you like?

[skuggirotta]

One person I've been reading a lot would be Robert Pollard who is most known for the band Guided By Voices. I have a book of his collages and poetry. Even the writing is very collage-esque.

Other than that I'm pretty new to reading poetry. If you have any suggestions for people to look up I would greatly appreciate it.

[skuggirotta]

Also: thanks for your crit, I bring a lot of my writing to my creative writing teacher but get no feed back other than "nice word choice" and "mhm good" kind of things, which is starting to get frustrating.

[Versus]

I'll get this out of the way, AC.

Skuggirotta: Are you a redhead?

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Versus

I'll get this out of the way, AC.

Skuggirotta: Are you a redhead?

[bro-pound]

Ya Skuggirotta, tell us. And don't lie. I'll know if you lie.

[MissCheyenne]

Oh yeah, the faintest whiff of someone maybe being a redhead and I'm out in the cold. I see how it is AC. I'll remember this when you come crawling back to me. Which you will, they always do. Always.

[skuggirotta]

At the moment? Yes. Though not naturally.

And I'm curious why you ask haha.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by MissCheyenne

Oh yeah, the faintest whiff of someone maybe being a redhead and I'm out in the cold. I see how it is AC. I'll remember this when you come crawling back to me. Which you will, they always do. Always.

Baby, don't be that way. I loved ya back in the pre-porn days, when you were just that one chick who posts occasionally to most of the boards. I'll never forsake you. There's something holding us together, and it's strong. Don't ever let go of that. Not even if one of us should go boff someone else once. Or twice. A day.

Don't give me that puss-hurt look. I know you'd do Kontan. I see it in your whore eyes.

Originally Posted by skuggirotta

At the moment? Yes. Though not naturally.

And I'm curious why you ask haha.

Eh, it's become kind of a standing joke. I have a thing for redheads. So every time I talk nice to one of the new females, people seem to assume it's 'cause I think she might be. No idea why. I'm a fuckin' nice guy.

[MissCheyenne]

You can't blame me for Kontan. There's just something dangerous about that fucker that makes me wetter than an English summer. You know I'll always come back to you though, always. What we have is special, it's not cheap and easily forgotten, what we have will LAST.

[Apathy's_Child]

Damn straight, baby... damn straight.

And I never blamed you for Kontan. Mo'fucker is goddamn LETHAL when he turns it on - I must confess he's made my heart a-patter more'n once. Really, I get it. Let's not fight anymore.

[skuggirotta]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

I have a thing for redheads. So every time I talk nice to one of the new females, people seem to assume it's 'cause I think she might be. No idea why. I'm a fuckin' nice guy.

::grabs a box of brown hair dye::

[MissCheyenne]

^ Baby, stay red. Red is best. Better than all the rest.

[XtinaCng]

It's really nice the way you beautified that creepy experience... I liked it

[skuggirotta]

Originally Posted by MissCheyenne

Baby, stay red. Red is best. Better than all the rest.

Yeah, who am I kidding...I'd never go through with it. If I wanted brown hair I wouldn't have dyed it in the first place!

[Saya]

So, Apathy, why does MC get a clear pass for Kontan but I don't for anyone?

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Saya

So, Apathy, why does MC get a clear pass for Kontan but I don't for anyone?

'Cause MC's got that wholesome face, despite the nymphomaniacal porn obsession beneath. You, Saya - you got whore eyes.

Besides, I could totally kick Kontan's ass, but you'd be all over someone like Versus, and that guy gets to play with fucking tanks. I am not losing ANY MORE dick-waving contexts to the motherfucker.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by skuggirotta

::grabs a box of brown hair dye::

Apparently these mofos have succeeded in making me sound like some predatory creeper. However, this is in no way true. If you read the thread, you'll clearly see that the bitches were asking for it, and they liked it.

[MissCheyenne]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

'Cause MC's got that wholesome face, despite the nymphomaniacal porn obsession beneath. You, Saya - you got whore eyes.

Besides, I could totally kick Kontan's ass, but you'd be all over someone like Versus, and that guy gets to play with fucking tanks. I am not losing ANY MORE dick-waving contexts to the motherfucker.

Damn right I have a wholesome look going on. I'm the kind of girl your mother would love, just so long as she didn't find out what I get up to after dark

[CuckooTuli]

So it's come to my attention that Apathy's a faithless whore. Is it wrong to like that?