Rant Thread

[joyslayer]

*pouts* I happen to like the hippo.

[AlKilyu]

Well since TStone was brave enough to tell of his loss, there is a reason I know a few things about death: I have lost most of my family in the past eight years.

I lost my father in 2000, and three short years later my mother. That was amongst all four grandparents, two aunts, and not counting the cousin I lost this last Christmas I lost one to AIDS a few years ago.

My lovely ex, who I had been with for 10 years, couldn't handle the stress of my mother dying and bailed two months before. After I saw her (my mother) for the last time, my plan was to kill myself. Had it planned out, notes and everything, it was to be that night. But I realized my dog, who was my mother's, had lost everyone she ever knew including our older dog of 16 years who died in the few weeks between my dad's mom dying and my dad. I couldn't let this poor thing exist alone, after all of this so I vowed to stick around for her.

I went home to an empty house, with no one to comfort me. I went the funeral days later, then again, to an empty home. It was summer, you see, and much like Christmas people go on vacations, as they should. When they do that they are happy and leave town to be with their families.

I pray to God no one is ever that alone, ever.

So because of that I reach out to those who are in a similar situation. It doesn't make people bad, but you might find they even though they are honestly sad for you, yet they might not make the time to listen. Even my own sister, when I tried to let it out, I would get "Uh huh...uh huh...hold on PUT THAT DOWN...OK what now?"

While I am still around no one will suffer alone. I fight the urge to leave this world daily, it is a fight no medicine will cure, and as you can see I have nothing but more of the same pain ahead of me.

But you don't have to be that way. If you hurt, I am here, you can IM me, I will listen, if you want advice I can give it.

But Fenris, Joy, TStone, don't suffer alone. It is a slow death and you will lose pieces of yourself that will never return. I know that with the right people around in your time of need you can get through it. For me all those people left at once!

They are in a far far better place that us, and will be for eternity. Your suffering is because you want them back here but it doesn't make your pain any less important.

Don't be like me, let it out...don't suffer alone.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Originally Posted by AlKilyu

Well since TStone was brave enough to tell of his loss, there is a reason I know a few things about death: I have lost most of my family in the past eight years.

I lost my father in 2000, and three short years later my mother. That was amongst all four grandparents, two aunts, and not counting the cousin I lost this last Christmas I lost one to AIDS a few years ago.

My lovely ex, who I had been with for 10 years, couldn't handle the stress of my mother dying and bailed two months before. After I saw her (my mother) for the last time, my plan was to kill myself. Had it planned out, notes and everything, it was to be that night. But I realized my dog, who was my mother's, had lost everyone she ever knew including our older dog of 16 years who died in the few weeks between my dad's mom dying and my dad. I couldn't let this poor thing exist alone, after all of this so I vowed to stick around for her.

I went home to an empty house, with no one to comfort me. I went the funeral days later, then again, to an empty home. It was summer, you see, and much like Christmas people go on vacations, as they should. When they do that they are happy and leave town to be with their families.

I pray to God no one is ever that alone, ever.


Don't be like me, let it out...don't suffer alone.

We may be whatever it is we are right now, Man..

But for what it's worth I am in tears with Shock, Pride and Admiration for your Courage in sharing your own private Nightmare with everyone here.

If I know nothing else about you, I know what that took for you to share those slices of Hell.

My Admiration.

[AlKilyu]

Thank you. I felt like a dick all these months watching people share their pain and never exposing that part of myself.

All the regulars here have their darkest most private secrets on this board, that part of themselves exposed, everyone on here has their achilles heal exposed, and now I do too.


You can't have a nuclear war, or a war for that matter, if everyone is equally armed.

Le’sigh, I’ve known some of that about AlkilU myself, imparted by second and third persons, which only solidified my perception of him as an individual, and though we may have some disagreement on select topics, there’s never been a waiver or quiver that he knows what he’s about.

So since we’re being all forthright and shit, how do I cope with the fact I was a cold-blooded son of a bitch? Literally, figuratively, take your pick. That’s what’s driving me crazy right now. While he was dying alone I was taking my Mom to have Turkey dinner with my wife’s parents. He was a lone on this holy of family holidays, and I didn’t even call him.

If I had…if he’d had anyone there, anyone to reach out…24 fucking hours slumped in a chair, his own little personal turkey burning in the oven, and still he held on for five fucking days. Three heart attacks, two major strokes, kidney failure, bleeding through the stomach, septic…the last conversation I had with him we talked about politics, and his parting words were, “I really enjoy talking to you.”

Until that day I’d never even talked to him before, I’d only been talked to. I was enthused at the turn of events, happy even, but still resentful. Of him, my mother, their pettiness, my pettiness. I still couldn’t bring myself to be the one to initiate the conversations. I kept hoping they’d get over their differences and get back together. I’m still just a little fucking snot nosed ruddy faced kid when it comes to them, fucking little arrogant brat, and the man reached out to me.

Reached the fuck out.

“I’m proud of you son. I admire you. You did what I could never do. You’re raising a family, and you should be proud,” was another portion of our last conversation, two—three? Fuck I don’t even know how many months it was ago. Was it August? Did he call on my birthday, and I didn’t even notice the date?

He deserved better from me, and I’m such a fucking asshole, and so fucking plagued by these what ifs. Fucking hell, I need another drink…anything to satiate and drown the guilt. Does it get easier with time? Maybe with more bodies piled up on the pyre? Do we become more desensitized after a certain point and time?

*Drinks*

I thought about calling him that day, and I did *try* and call him a week prior *his birthday* but got a busy signal, and counted myself lucky. He was busy, he didn’t *want* to talk to me.

I keep telling myself that…but it doesn’t help. The booze? It does seem to help inthat it allows me to be honest with myself, and let’s me get down to the guts of self loathing, so I can hate myself completely. Is there anything that does a better job? Any substance that pulls the vile out and shoves it in the face more better?

And my petty whine aside…thanks for sharing your experience with us, AlKilU. I appreciate it, and I’m sure many here *and I hope I may myself* will benefit from your words and experience. Thank you.

[edible_eye]

from different points across the earth, we gather to link arms, share our hurt and drop tears together. we fight, we hate, we give each other the finger, we talk, we think and we hug. in an odd way, our interactions are family-like.

it does this old man's heart good to see such selfless and altruisitc outpourings. you people are beautiful, each and every one.

i'll second al's offer. if anyone needs to vent and have an ear available - pm me. otherwise, know that i'm offering a hug to each of you in the hopes of lessening your pain, even if only by a small bit.

http://www.cuddlecards.com/ccimages/...ox-of-hugs.gif

and i'll say this, even though those of you who need to go through the "what if" stages won't be able to take it to heart -

you are not responsible for another person's life. you are not responsible for another person's death. to adopt such a responsibility will always leave you feeling inadequate. to assume such a responsibility will always leave you at a loss. you can not guide someone else when they do not want to be guided. you can not change someone else when they do not want to be changed. and sometimes, when life has left you scarred because of someone else's actions, it's not always so easy to shed that tough skin and enjoy the sensation of touch as though you've been able to feel it all along.

[Tall One In Black]

Originally Posted by Needled

I just really regret having not worn the glasses when I first got them. If I had just wore them then eventually I wouldn't have needed them anymore.. If only I knew then what I know now.

If you have typical myopia (and I assume you do since you said you can see up close but not far away), wearing your glasses wouldn't have improved your vision so that you'd no longer need them. If you're myopic, you're most likely always going to need glasses.

I'm not a doctor, I'm just speaking from my own experience. I got my first glasses at 9 and contacts at 12. (My mom had to practically force the doctor to give contacts to a 12-year-old... but that's how much I hated wearing my glasses.)

You should speak with a teacher or counselor about your vision. There are programs for getting glasses to people who need them. I know because I've donated my old frames!

[winged_dreams]

I don't like family problems. Not at all. And it's affecting my grandmother and my aunt and uncle the worst. *sighs*

[WolfMoon]

Tom, I can't respond to the hurt you're going through right now. It hurts to think that you're going through that hell. I feel for you, luv. Have a drink on me.

*HUGZ*

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Originally Posted by WolfMoon

Tom, I can't respond to the hurt you're going through right now. It hurts to think that you're going through that hell. I feel for you, luv. Have a drink on me.

*HUGZ*

You can have a drink on me Wolfie..

You name the Anatomical Spot to sip from and I'll bring the Rum..

*Evil Grin*


Hugs and Thai Stick for The Bard.
I'm sorry you're hurting.
No words are adequate.
We
Bleed
.

[winged_dreams]

It's really nice to know that we all have each other for support.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Yeah, I have shed pints of blood here over the Years..

Some of it was even my Own.

*Snort*

But seriously, at least someone here is always around with a Hug and a Loaded Shotgun.

[winged_dreams]

I'll just take a hug thank you very much!

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Originally Posted by winged_dreams

I'll just take a hug thank you very much!

Dude, you just never know when a Loaded Shotgun will come in handy...

*Twitch*

" Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies. "

[winged_dreams]

Meh...I hope I never have to ever deal with one of those so...

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Originally Posted by Santarea

We all have our hells with us. The only ones who are alone in it are the ones who don't open their eyes.

If you close a wound before you clean it, it will fester. Best to get it out so the scar is smaller.

A-Motherfucking-Men to that Beautiful..

[AlKilyu]

Originally Posted by Santarea

We all have our hells with us. The only ones who are alone in it are the ones who don't open their eyes.

If you close a wound before you clean it, it will fester. Best to get it out so the scar is smaller.

True, very true, but in my case I did reach out and in a rare instance no one was there. I never thought to get online and talk about it, which might have helped, but anymore I just assume keep it all in. I don't suggest the same for others, it makes for some baaaad dreams.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Originally Posted by AlKilyu

True, very true, but in my case I did reach out and in a rare instance no one was there. I never thought to get online and talk about it, which might have helped, but anymore I just assume keep it all in. I don't suggest the same for others, it makes for some baaaad dreams.

You did the hardest part..

Surviving and Reaching Out Again..

Doesn't matter how long it did or did not take you to do it.

[WolfMoon]

Originally Posted by Empty_Purple_Stars

You can have a drink on me Wolfie..

You name the Anatomical Spot to sip from and I'll bring the Rum..

*Evil Grin*


Hugs and Thai Stick for The Bard.
I'm sorry you're hurting.
No words are adequate.
We
Bleed
.

I like rum. Makes me all cuddly.

Just let me know when you need that body moved.

[WolfMoon]

Al, you're a survivor. Thank you for sharing. Nothing wrong with that. Makes you alot stronger than wankers like me. lol

[joyslayer]

I think the reason why some people are so fucked up just occured to me. Memories! It is all their damn fault. Now that I Think about it, I wouldn't be so suicidal if I wouldn't have rememberd Josh. But then again, if you are not rememberd after death, you never existed. But thats not a good example. Like when I look back at when I was r a p e d, I would not be so effected if I wouldn't have such detailed memories of it. How cold the floor was, the laughter coming from them. I would be a totally different person if I didn't remember anything from the past. I mean, I don't want to forget, but atlest I know who to blame. Because blaming something makes it just seem bearable.

[joyslayer]

Yeah, your right. wallowing is not the answer. I just can't help it. It feels like guilt. *shakes head* I dunno, I am a messy wreck.

[Circle V]

Things in the past affect us, even if we don't conciously think of them often.

I am a different person than I used to be as little as nine months ago because of my memories. To summarize the cause of my past "angst," I wasn't taken seriously (or thought that I wasn't) by my friends. When I was alone, I would get pissed and violent-- on top of the stereotypical teenage angst, of course-- but, when I was with my friends, I would try obsessively to please them, embarrassing myself to get attention. When I left, I would hate myself for doing that, and vow never to do it again. I would, and the wheel of stupid grievances kept turning.

Now, I constantly (and quite unintentionally) try to make myself seem superior. It shows in lots of ways-- I insult my friends indirectly, among other things. I try to keep people guessing, never sure if I'm kidding or not, so that they can't really know who I am and judge me for it. Many of my morbid, pessimistic thoughts and words are bullshit, fabrications, but I can't help but think that most of the optimistic thoughts that I keep to myself are just the same. I can't help but feel like everything I do is fake, even though I devote so very much to being different.

That wasn't intended to be a true rant-- more of quick reply to Joyslayer. I got carried away. I apologize.

[joyslayer]

It's no problem Circle. I was thinking back, I was different not two months ago. Not only in the mind, but also in appearance.

Fenris and TStone I can't say more than that has already said. You've got friends here so if you need a shoulder, ear, what have you, here they are.

Al, I know things have been hard I only wish that you didn't have to go through all this. Nor anyone. But you know where I am, here for you.

Originally Posted by edible_eye

you are not responsible for another person's life. you are not responsible for another person's death. to adopt such a responsibility will always leave you feeling inadequate. to assume such a responsibility will always leave you at a loss. you can not guide someone else when they do not want to be guided. you can not change someone else when they do not want to be changed. and sometimes, when life has left you scarred because of someone else's actions, it's not always so easy to shed that tough skin and enjoy the sensation of touch as though you've been able to feel it all along.

Pearls of wisdom. I'm glad we got a guy like you on these boards, Edible.