To My Dear Friend, In Anger.

[Underwater Ophelia]

When it came down to it,
I guess you really weren’t a lover.

Ok, let’s be fair, as I often get stuck on semantics.
What do you call that thing?
Plastic and submissive, often made with eyes that open and close…?
You know what I’m getting at, you’re a clever boy.

But that’s all right.
I can use you for my other plans.
I don’t like to waste, and I’m sure I can find a place for you in the show.
Let’s be friends and it’s SMILES!
It’s lovely!
Isn’t this just so great?!

But when it came down to it,
You watched me drink a bottle of bleach
And couldn’t be bothered to speak up.

The oddest thing--and to be perfectly honest--this occurs to me only just now:

You didn’t really want my dick in your ass; you just couldn’t say no.
So when it comes down to it, I guess I shouldn’t have expected
A lover,
Or even a friend,
As you’re not even really much of a man.


I'm not sure about the quality of this poem, but I am in love with it.

[Xombie]

The only thing I don't like about this is the "when it came/comes down to it." I know you meant to use it more than once, but it wasn't too obvious to me what you were trying to do at first. It just seemed as though you'd forgotten that you'd already said it. In fact, I went back to make sure that I read that line before.


Other than that, I really like. :]

[acidxrainbows]

I liked it a lot. There was a lot of emotion in it.
"Let’s be friends and it’s SMILES!
It’s lovely!
Isn’t this just so great?!"
Was probably my favorite part. :]

[Underwater Ophelia]

Thank you so much! I'm very glad you enjoyed it.

[badteccy]

It's seems so angry, but goddamn I loves it.
Yo, you should send some things in to magazines...or better yet...I was thinking over the summer I'd try my hand at 'zine making for a second time...wanna contribute if I get around to it, Sary Wary?

[Underwater Ophelia]

Yeah, I'll contribute.

Kerri...berry.

[Apathy's_Child]

It's not bad. Your stuff just isn't. But I feel like it's missing that something that usually makes your poems stand out so much. I've read it like five times trying to work it out, and I can't - it's well written and the concept is sound, and yet it just doesn't....... pop.

Hope you don't mind my saying that. I'm sorry I can't be more specific. It's just an opinion, rooted in preferences rather than literary criticism.

But I would definitely second BadTeccy on submitting your stuff, as there aren't enough good young poets (or poets period, in recent years) out there in the public eye, where they should be. The medium needs a kick uip the ass, and yours is the kind of stuff that should be out there.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Thanks, I appreciate you're saying that. I also appreciate your criticisms.

[JCC]

When I first read this, a few days ago, I had the same reaction as Apathy's_Child, I just couldn't find that addictive quality about your poems that leads you to think about them for the rest of the day. I still don't think that I've really found it.

I'm not sure why. It seems just as good as your other poetry, just lacking something that I'm not sure I can place my finger on (I apologise for being so vague). I think that you, as I, write your poetry straight from the mind. It's a great way to write what you're really thinking and feeling, but it sometimes leaves things to be desired like flow and certain phrases. I've written poetry that hasn't needed editing before, but a lot of my poetry I've just given another look at and changed a couple of words that made a momentous difference.

I think maybe you should just take a look at this again and see what could be changed. There's a great poem here, it just needs a bit of a push.

Also, I agree whole-heartedly about submitting some of your poetry.

[KontanKarite]

Yeah, great stuff, but I have to echo the consensus on this one.