Alone

[Taker Of Souls]

Alone- a short story
by me



"Jack finally graduated from high school. He was in the school packing his stuff.Suddenly,Jack feels a presence...but sees nobody....he continued packing. He left the school and was on his road home...but again he feels a presence.But now he turns , and sees him.....


1 day earlier....(2th May)


After school Jack sees his friends:
-Hey guys,what are doing?
-Lets throw rocks in that old cottage, i mean nobody lives there no?
-I guess your right....(speaking in doubt)
They got to the cottage and start throwing. Then a man comes from the house as Jack was throwing a huge rock that landed in his face.
-God,lets get outta here Jack!
The boys returned home .Jack arrives home , scared , sees on the news and the main headline is about an old man finded at his home ,death, presumily killed
brutally with the rock beside him. He goes to bed instantly.



Present Day...


....But now turns,and sees him... the old man . His face was twisted and vile.He had a knife in his hand.He spoke:
-You killed me , I must return the favor!
Then Jack runs for his life , his heart beating unormally, screaming for help, but there was nobody . He reached a hotel . Goes through the floors , knocking at the doors, the old man still behind . Then he was at the end of the hallway. He jumped through the window, breaking the glass that scratches his arms, landing on the school roof,the old man doing the same . Jack was running for his life . The runing persisted till on the second floor , where he saw an open locker. He hide himself there. The old man arrived at the floor and sensed that Jack was there :
- I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna kill you!!!
Then the man stopped at the locker were Jack was hiding.
-Don't be scared Jack , be terrified!
Jack wasn't reacting normal,his heart stopped beated and couldn't breath, he was alone....


-Jack!Jack! Wake up,Jack!
-What?
-C'mon , you got to get to school!
-Mom?!?What day is it??
-Its 3th May ,Jack, why , did you have a dream?
-Yeah....a dream..
- Are you sure?
-Yes mom!
-Okay, you can talk to me cause your not ALONE."




Hope you liked it !

[Mr. Ed]

Honestly, I felt there were problems with the spelling and grammar, and the use of ellipses (...) was excessive. Also, the dialogue felt stilted and occasionally unnecessary. "I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna kill you!!!" =/

Some of the narrative in the chase paragraph was good, though.

[sickittynot]

it was preety good...

[L'Oiseau Noir]

I wouldn't really call this a short story. More like a snippet, I guess?

(Don't be offended by the following, I intend no malice toward your piece).

Well, I have a few problems with it. There wasn't much flow, it read very jaggedly. There were also several grammatical errors I noted, like misused quotation marks, or places where the quotation marks were absent when they were necessary, spelling, and so forth. And like Mr. Ed pointed out, you overused ellipses. You shouldn't go too crazy with those in writing, as it can ultimately break the flow of your piece rather than enhance it.

Also, to acquiesce with one of the other things Mr. Ed pointed out, the dialog was stilted in several places. With dialog, you want it to seem natural, not played up or flat. A trick you can use is to talk with a friend, family member, etc. and note how your conversation sounds, then apply it to your piece. It always helped me.

If you want a more in-depth critique, just let me know and I'd be happy to lend what help I can. It was a good attempt, but the execution was sloppy.

Keep writing!

[Mother Of All Things Odd]

I want to rewrite it .

[Taker Of Souls]

hm,i'm not english or american, so i don't know very well english ,/ and mother of all things do u want me to rewrite it?

[Taker Of Souls]

and i'd like that in-depth critique L'Oiseau Noir

[HumanePain]

I like the idea of an old man stalking and terrorizing the young whippersnapper!
MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! !!!!!!!!!!!

[Catch]

I thought it was a good story, but it was difficult following the plot. There should have been more connecting the events to make it make sense and give it purpose and some kind of meaning. Other than that, is almost there. I like the imagery. It was very descriptive.

[Tin_Lizzie]

This reads like a screenplay, because the narrative is sketchy and there's no dialog tags to identify who is speaking. You convey strong images but the prose is choppy. Tell the reader what's going on in Jack's head and how he reacts as the events occur, and that will help pull it together.

Grammatically, you need to stay in one tense. I noticed the tense varies between past and present from one sentence to the next, best to rewrite everything into the past tense.

It's always a process of writing, revising and editing - for all of us. Considering that English is not your first language, I think your writing is pretty good! Thanks for posting your story.