Regret.

Noirette · 07-30-2008, 02:33 PM

It's not half as good as some of the poems on this board, but I need someone to criticize it and tell me how to improve my poor writing skills. Therefore, any kind of comments would be appreciated.

Regretting your steps, you fall slowly.
Your incomplete thoughts fall into marvelous sky.
Waves of nothingness drawn you in despair
Yet you refuse to raise your voice.

Mortal sorrow makes your heart pound painfully,
Crashing the shatters of silence away.
Smell of mortal decay makes you run away from your shadow,
Forgetting every secret you had ever known.

You will run forever, disappearing slowly
Into the thundering darkness
Which waits, patiently,
In the depths of your soul.

The whole world
Caught in one miraculous reflection
Scenery painted on still water
The story of one thousand centuries
And one man to come
Is yours.
Choose again.

Minyaliel · 07-30-2008, 02:56 PM

What exactly is it that you're trying to convey? I'm just asking, because I don't get it. No offence meant.

Noirette · 07-30-2008, 03:14 PM

Honestly, I'm not sure.
Would you try to guess?
I never know what I'm going to write about when I write poems, unlike short stories. The words just come.
It's mostly about choosing. Each person chooses his or her own path and view of the world, like with running away from situations or resposability or being extremely depressed over nothing or regretting everything. The sorrow is mortal, it will fade away, even if unbearabely slowly, unlesss you make it stay.
There are other things in this world, like that reflection which contains so many possibilities and such beauty, or like the sky.

Minyaliel · 07-30-2008, 03:59 PM

Well, a tip for you, then. But before that, let me say that your poem reminds me, in some ways, of how I used to write when I first started out writing poetry. I've been writing poems most of my life, but only made a conscious effort to do so the last six years, often writing at least one piece a day for practise.

So, what helped me improve was gaining consciousness. If you have no idea what you're writing about, neither will your readers. Even if it is just to illustrate a feeling or catch a moment, you have to know what's on your mind. Write as abstract as you like, but be aware that you do have a reader whom you might loose on the way, Be conscious, make choices and know why you write like you do. Getting into the flow is a great thing. But afterward, you should edit and clarify. Or at least do whatever is needed to make the poem convey that thought of yours even more vividly to the reader. Also, learning a bit about the technical side of poetry is not a bad idea. Even if you're not planning to use it, it's a good idea to know what you reject and why.

Noirette · 07-31-2008, 01:05 AM

Thank you.
I will surely try this.

KontanKarite · 07-31-2008, 01:23 AM

It's too flowery. It's too... "gothic".

Scareebowfairy · 07-31-2008, 01:54 AM

humm.. I actually like your poem, though I can see where Minyaliel is coming from. I find when writing a poem I'll pick a topic as off beat as I like but I make sure there's a topic, as simple as something like depression or a crush, a pretty full moon, anything I like. It can be metaphoric or simple but it does help with me to have a topic. Also I got sucked into thinking I had to write majestically metaphoric for my poems to be any good. I know now this is not the case, some of the best poems are the simple ones. I also think poetry is a way of sharing different topic's through 'your' eyes, I think for that reason their is no specific style to writing poetry. But I like your style.

Noirette · 07-31-2008, 05:12 AM

Thank you, Scareebowfairy(too long nickname).

Kontan, can you be more specific please?

JCC · 07-31-2008, 05:19 AM

What he's saying is that it uses a whole lot of words to say nothing.

Damned Queen · 07-31-2008, 09:45 AM

I agree with Minyaliel that if you have no idea what you're writing about neither will your readers have! In my opinion the thing is to have a picture in your mind so that your readers will be able to visualise the story you express, because there's a story behind every poem, even if it's metaphorical or obvious! Well that's only my opinion! Might be wrong, might be right! At least it works for me! I like visualising what's written cos words are only words but just a sigle picture equals to a million of them! I started visualising what you wrote, tried to see through your eyes, but i lost the picture as I lost the point and then I lost my interest! You have strong potential! I believe that if you rewrite it using more sentiment and imagination it would be great! Good luck my friend

KontanKarite · 07-31-2008, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JCC

What he's saying is that it uses a whole lot of words to say nothing.

You're part right. The other part is that the words used are forcing some dark idea. I'm not real keen on forced darkness or gothic imagery that's just blatantly done.

I could rewrite this, make it just as flowery and it'd at least not come off as if a gawth wrote it.

Noirette · 08-01-2008, 04:42 AM

I see what you are talking about now. At least I hope so.

Thank you.
I really needed some critisicm.

BloodyLivingVampire · 08-01-2008, 06:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KontanKarite

You're part right. The other part is that the words used are forcing some dark idea. I'm not real keen on forced darkness or gothic imagery that's just blatantly done.

I could rewrite this, make it just as flowery and it'd at least not come off as if a gawth wrote it.

What? No! How can you say that? You have no right to rewrite it! Only the owner has the right to do so!

KontanKarite · 08-01-2008, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BloodyLivingVampire

What? No! How can you say that? You have no right to rewrite it! Only the owner has the right to do so!

Stop being stupid.

BloodyLivingVampire · 08-02-2008, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KontanKarite

Stop being stupid.

That is called justice!!

KontanKarite · 08-02-2008, 10:06 AM

No, it's called being dumb. If you seriously think that what they wrote was something profound and original, you're a tart.

There was nothing really decent about it. It was some kind of stream of conscious thing about sadness with a gothic twist. Boo.

Like I said, I could rewrite it and make it less gothic. It'd still be bad though. But anyone could rewrite it.

Minyaliel · 08-02-2008, 10:47 AM

C'mon, Kontan, leave it be - this entity you're arguing with is quite clearly a troll.

KontanKarite · 08-02-2008, 11:12 AM

Yeah, you're right.

BloodyLivingVampire · 08-02-2008, 02:18 PM

Still you don't have the right to rewrite it! What's wrong with you people? You're like snakes waiting for the next prey!

Noirette · 08-03-2008, 11:14 AM

No, they are the first people that actually TOLD me:Your writing style isn't good, and here are your mistakes.
Before this, all the people that saw my poems or stories told me how great they are and how talanted I am, even when I knew something was missing.

And maybe Kontan was a little rude, but I'm still glad someone saw this poem of mine as important enough to criticize it and tell me where I was wrong and how to improve it.
And honestly, it is not nice to be critisized so cruely, but at least now I see that what I wrote was simply an empty thing, without meaning, which consists of some assoaciations of mine and too much of those "flowery" poems that I've red.

BloodyLivingVampire · 08-04-2008, 03:45 AM

Sure! But what I'm saying is that since they've noticed your mistakes and told you what to do to make it good, you are the only one who has the right to rewrite it! Do you understand me?

JCC · 08-04-2008, 03:48 AM

He didn't say he WAS going to rewrite it, goddamn. He said that if he wanted to, he COULD rewrite it with the exact same theme and it wouldn't be so 'gothic'. He doesn't WANT to rewrite it though, so he won't.

BloodyLivingVampire · 08-04-2008, 04:23 AM

That's relieving!