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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
11-21-2008, 05:53 PM
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#1
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 35
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Is this Morbid?
I wrote this poem about ohh ten minutes ago... and show it to buddie of mine he said it was morbid...so is it or is it not?....I dont think it is Morbid.....
Little Angel
Little Angel please dont weep
has your feathers gather at your feet
Little Angel dont cry has I saw your wings off
you wont die..soon you will be like the rest of us
Able to grow old...to feel love
and joy and sing and dance...
Little Angel dont worry has blood pools at your feet
My saw blade wont miss beat..has it chops slowly
thru your wings...your blood splatters and leaks
like your lost hopes and dreams
Little angel dont mind that pain
it wont drive you insane...Now you can feel hate
and suffer has well with thousand knifes in your back
broken heart from love that lack
You will feel hate and doubt and shame
Be Judge poke at and luagh at until your full of rage
My Little Angel I wish best for now that your wings are just blood stumps..
it time choose your path to find a way...Hold on to your feather hopes of wings..
Some day maybe you will find light agin... Choose to be good
Or maybe you will walk different way to make me pay for what I did to you
What you choose up to you...I wish the best to you little Angel threw the shallow days and forever nights
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11-21-2008, 06:44 PM
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#2
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Harlem
Posts: 6,909
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It... kinda sucks.
__________________
No Gods. No Kings.
Not all beliefs and ideas are equal.
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11-21-2008, 06:50 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,424
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Learn to spell, then learn to write something worth reading, but one thing you're right about, is that it's not morbid, it's just you going:
"BLAH BLAH BLAH GORE BLOOD BROKEN HEARTS AND HUMANS BLAH BLAH BLAH REPETITIVE IMAGERY AND ANGELS BLAH GORE NOW IM GOING TO TRY AND BE DEEP AT THE END."
__________________
“Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients; sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps.”
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11-21-2008, 07:04 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 35
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ahh thank you for your views
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11-21-2008, 07:15 PM
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#6
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you need to work on your grammar as well.
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11-21-2008, 07:19 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 182
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i thought it was sweet in the beginning ;P
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11-21-2008, 07:47 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 35
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thank you once more for your views
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11-22-2008, 03:21 AM
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#9
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Greece
Posts: 23
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"Little angel
Your world can be so cruel
I set your wings on fire every night
I die for you every time I see you cry"
That's what it bombed in my head at the very beggining of your poem (lol)
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11-22-2008, 04:38 AM
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#11
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Greece
Posts: 23
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Tralis
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Chop Suey - System Of A Down
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11-22-2008, 04:54 AM
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#12
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by littlemoonfox
Is this Morbid?
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No, just not very good.
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11-22-2008, 06:03 AM
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#13
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,721
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by tekajo
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Good to know someone read it. Everybody should.
__________________
All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs
Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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12-02-2008, 01:26 PM
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#15
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 20
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Reply
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Sir Canvas Corpsey
Learn to spell, then learn to write something worth reading, but one thing you're right about, is that it's not morbid, it's just you going:
"BLAH BLAH BLAH GORE BLOOD BROKEN HEARTS AND HUMANS BLAH BLAH BLAH REPETITIVE IMAGERY AND ANGELS BLAH GORE NOW IM GOING TO TRY AND BE DEEP AT THE END."
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I agree. A wee bit cliche.
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12-08-2008, 01:54 PM
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#16
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: An imaginary world
Posts: 103
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Haha, my god it took me 5 whole minutes of staring, reading and rereading to realise that "has" is actually "as", made a lot more sense afterwards xD the poem had a nice beginning and good potential, but try not to rush the ending, please make the sentences there contain fewer words, the poem then gets more aesthetic.. structure?
And remember, the normal world's threshold for "morbid" is very, very, very, very low. 
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12-09-2008, 06:02 AM
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#17
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: i live in the middle of nowhere north carolina
Posts: 19
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I did the exact same thing. XD I thought they were questions. lol
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12-11-2008, 07:41 AM
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#18
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: An imaginary world
Posts: 103
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LOL xD and then you're wondering where the hell is the question mark and who is doing some of those actions..
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01-06-2009, 12:04 AM
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#19
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 38
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The grammar/spelling is rather atrocious...
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