My New Poem... Please comment

[Tragedia_Sinistra]

Betrothed, to this exhaustible terminating madness

This atrophying disease known as life

I yearn to embrace not colorless sadness

But to dispel this emptiness and strife

Yet, I've abandoned these fanciful aspirations

Inexorable lessons of desperation, agonizingly taught

Are root bound, lifelessly strangling the light and the hope

From this withering existence, resolute to disappear into naught

The grey walls of this thorn ridden garden, collapse as if with intent

Stone after stone of sorrow, ensnare me under their force

The pressure restricts my motion; lack of air stifles my speech

Horrified with shame, Im too weak to alter life's course

Anhedonic, Enured I've become, a statue in this dreary Eden of death

The weeds, the thorns, still they climb my base towards the grey sky

Persistent in their charge, to enshroud me forever once and for all

To suffocate what brightness adorns me, forced to collapse and die.

[Fae-wolf]

I like the imagery of the poem.

However, it doesn't really stand out to me.

[Tragedia_Sinistra]

I sit in this graveyard
With the moon high above
It’s quiet here
Quiet as a fallen dove

I lean back
On this cold, grey tombstone
I realize, that someday
Ill call this place my home

Life seems so fragile
Like the crystal that holds the wine
All things will shatter
And turn to dust in time

In my hands I held
The rose so precious to me
Even that has ashed
I’m on bended knee

I try to save
This flower now turned weed
But when I reach out
The thorns make me bleed

Is it too late?
Can it not be revived?
Should I just feel fortunate?
That this long it's survived

I look at it there
On it, tears form from dew
So confused over this
A rose that’s lost its hue

Even though it’s dying
And to touch it makes me bleed
Im still drawn to it, for
The thorns bring pleasure indeed

How could something so beautiful
Hurt so much beneath its disguise
With each drop of blood it draws
I’ve come to realize

When the rose has wilted
Left withered in the rain
Once the petals have fallen
Only thorns remain

[Apathy's_Child]

It's cliche as hell - you should really try to get away from over-used images like roses, flowers and graveyards. I seem to wind up saying this to almost everyone who posts their stuff here, but try writing about something real, like a small event or anecdote from your own life. Don't try to move onto abstracts until you've mastered the concrete, or the end results will be a poem about roses and beauty and pain. Glasses shattering. SNORE.

[Bete Noire]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

It's cliche as hell - you should really try to get away from over-used images like roses, flowers and graveyards. I seem to wind up saying this to almost everyone who posts their stuff here, but try writing about something real, like a small event or anecdote from your own life. Don't try to move onto abstracts until you've mastered the concrete, or the end results will be a poem about roses and beauty and pain. Glasses shattering. SNORE.

So what you're saying... is that bad stereotypical goths write bad stereotypical goth poetry and post it on a goth site....
How intriguing.....

[Mir]

No surprises considering the whole subculture is one big stereotype.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Bete Noire

So what you're saying... is that bad stereotypical goths write bad stereotypical goth poetry and post it on a goth site....
How intriguing.....

Some call me a visionary, others just call me a freethinking pioneer. But the truth is I'm just plain, ordinary, garden-variety awesome.

[Tragedia_Sinistra]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

It's cliche as hell - you should really try to get away from over-used images like roses, flowers and graveyards. I seem to wind up saying this to almost everyone who posts their stuff here, but try writing about something real, like a small event or anecdote from your own life. Don't try to move onto abstracts until you've mastered the concrete, or the end results will be a poem about roses and beauty and pain. Glasses shattering. SNORE.

Well I guess you could see look at it as stereotypical, I choose to look at it as the things that define gothic literature.

Gothic architecture for instance, is defined as the great arches, the stained glass windows, gargoyles and the painstaking detail put into every over the top church. If the gothic architecture lost those defining or "stereotypical" elements, it would no longer be considered gothic architecture.

Just as my poems may be stereotypical to you, I choose to look at my poetry as having the classic defining elements of gothic literature. If I didnt put those elements into my poetry, then I wouldn't define it as gothic literature, it would be something altogether different.

Thanks for reading

[Solumina]

Um...no your poem does not fit into the category of gothic literature, it fits into the category of shit that mallgoths write all the time, these two things are not the same.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Tragedia_Sinistra

Well I guess you could see look at it as stereotypical, I choose to look at it as the things that define gothic literature.

Gothic architecture for instance, is defined as the great arches, the stained glass windows, gargoyles and the painstaking detail put into every over the top church. If the gothic architecture lost those defining or "stereotypical" elements, it would no longer be considered gothic architecture.

Just as my poems may be stereotypical to you, I choose to look at my poetry as having the classic defining elements of gothic literature. If I didnt put those elements into my poetry, then I wouldn't define it as gothic literature, it would be something altogether different.

Thanks for reading

Well, if you prefer regurgitating established tropes and parroting stereotypes to actually using your imagination and maybe even having an idea of your own, then do enjoy.

[isobel black]

Originally Posted by Tragedia_Sinistra

Well I guess you could see look at it as stereotypical, I choose to look at it as the things that define gothic literature.

Gothic architecture for instance, is defined as the great arches, the stained glass windows, gargoyles and the painstaking detail put into every over the top church. If the gothic architecture lost those defining or "stereotypical" elements, it would no longer be considered gothic architecture.

Just as my poems may be stereotypical to you, I choose to look at my poetry as having the classic defining elements of gothic literature. If I didnt put those elements into my poetry, then I wouldn't define it as gothic literature, it would be something altogether different.

Thanks for reading

That shit might fly somewhere you won't encounter literary scholars. Or anyone who might google the characteristics of gothic literature.

[HavelockV]

I must concur with others who have responded in saying that your style seems very much recycled and based on overused 'goth' stereotypes that do not generally feature in what is historically considered to be Gothic literature. The work itself is not terrible, but it suffers from your misinformed definition of the genre.

[Mr E Nigma]

Tragedia_Sinistra - Try looking at the other poems posted on this site... by other goths other than yourself, as it is apparent you consider yourself one.

I guarantee a decent amount of it won't sound nearly as repetitive or boring as what you just posted. Not to mention you can't stay on topic or make sense for more than 2 lines.

"I yearn to embrace not colorless sadness"

So you yearn to embrace colored sadness?" I mean I know there's artistic license and metaphors and analogies and what not... but seriously? Colored sadness? What.. you yearn to feel blue? O_o

And you are an absolute champ at contradictions.
One second you say you want to dispel the emptiness and lack of harmony, then the next thing you know your dead set on disappearing into nothingness...

And the concept in general, you're numb to pain, pleasure, feelings in general...? I'm going to guess that this isn't actually how you feel, so I can't give you any respect for having a passion or relaying your emotions into words because it's sort of contradictory again to be passionate about talking about how you are numb and desensitized to everything. If that was the case you wouldn't be writing a poem. So my only thought is that you thought it'd be cool and awesome to write about life sucking or some other clichéd idea in that general area that didn't really apply to you, and because you don't actually feel that way.. neither does the reader.

There, there's some constructive criticism. Go take a creative writing course or something. Granted an artist can drop paint on a canvas, but true artists try to learn everything about their art or skill. You don't see professional photographers who don't know how to adjust aperture or focus correctly or use various lenses and for specific reasons. Just like you don't see a good writer simply throw down some "big" words hoping their writing is so obfuscated that no one realizes how much you just butchered the context of a couple dozen words. I could easily write something way more powerful and enjoyable in probably 1/10th the time it took you to construct that horrible idea....

Actually... I feel like I just challenged myself... here we go.

"One More Ding"

Could you please move left
I cannot see the TV
A level is reached

(Haiku style, rpg fans, please enjoy)

[Nexiah]

Hey, just out of curiosity, what exactly was the poem about? Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but I got the impression that the first poem was about a sentient garden statue that was like "Oh my god, I'm a statue, how the hell did this happen to me? Aaaargh!!" and gradually gets torn asunder by the relentless disintegration by nature....? Or should I even give a fuck?

[αρнσтι¢ єι∂σℓση]

I find it quite interesting.

[lazthor]

I love all these poems. I'm auctually working on a poem myself but nothing as good as this.

See my blog http://darkartistcolony.blogspot.com/
You can submit your poems and if they are approved they will be posted.

[vindicatedxjin]

...it didn't grasp me...at all.

[αρнσтι¢ єι∂σℓση]

I would like to take the first poem and post it on my site.
If you disapprove please simply say "Take this out,"
on
www.immortalwords.wetpaint.com
On Random Poems.

Thanks.

[ShadowxMakerZ]

Your first poem didn't allow me to fantasize to much about it...
All I got was life sucks, we're forced to live it and death is inevitable. It's a unique poem and it can be said that a poem can have much more meaning to the writer than the reader.

It was still good though +