Cruel Compassion

deathbycherries · 11-26-2010, 08:00 PM

"You have no idea how many sociopaths are really around you. Literally 70 percent of the people I know are sociopaths. I'm not exaggerating. It's hard to find real friends in this world when everyone is a sociopath."

"Misfits aren't misfits among other misfits."

Lauren woke up screaming. She had had another nightmare; it had been about three years since they started. It seemed that, once or twice every month she would have tactile sensations of **** and murder in her sleep. She couldn't combat the nightmares with anything, because when she had them she was rendered paralyzed. So she got up and tried to shake the hollow chill from her soul.

It was a dismal morning, and leaves lay dormant across the rain soaked earth. Above her, the oil smeared sky poured torrents of angry rain. Lauren believed sometimes that she was cursed. Lately, she found herself caught between a rock and a hard place. Her father, her therapist, her friends, even the local nutcase she met at the bar, all of them knew so well that she was in love with the wrong man.

None of them knew him, though, not the way he spoke to her and the way he made her feel so ok. Sure, he had had his share of troubles and this was no excuse for anything. But, real love isn't selfish, she would plead with herself.

"You two-faced bitch!" Nathanial stammered. "You piece of ****, why don't you ever think for yourself? Huh? I told you the boy was trouble. Didn't listen, did you?" Nathanial slapped Lauren full across the face.

Damian was one of the oddest people Lauren had ever met. So unlike everyone else, unlike those who sat in their comfortable slippers sipping coffee, watching Fox News and agreeing with O'Reilly. And God knew, she was damned near sick of the mundane life.

Yet what was there to do but fuck? He had asked her one day, "Do you see me as the devil?"

Lauren laughed innocently and asked why?

"Because some people see me as the devil," he said.

"Like the impersonation of the devil."

And sometimes Lauren got paranoid. You see, Lauren had a condition that caused her to spiral. She couldn't think clearly sometimes. When she became manic, and her mood was in full swing, she flew from one thought to another and then slipped into a frenzy of confusion.

"Do you trust me?" She begged him between sobs over the phone.

"I trust you, babe." He said, with a trembling voice, "But you need to stop listening to everyone's lies. I'm not a bad person."

Damian had served in the Iraq war before he chose to fake an illness to leave. At least, that's what he said the second time. He didn't like the military, but sometimes he talked of returning. He was busy sharpening his tools when he got a frantic call from Lauren.

"Damnit, you don't love me do you?"

"Hold on Honey, calm down, please tell me what's wrong?"

"I can't tell you..."

"Tell me what's the matter."

Damian wasin the old beat up Subaru singing along to a Dead Kennedy's song as he sped toward Lauren's house. He knew that he was not welcomed there by the family, but that he had to see Lauren. He was willing to take the risk, no matter what. He had to be there for his girlfriend, he had to prove himself a better man. He had to cure himself of his disease...he had to climb into bed and erase all the bad memories so that they could share a life-time of better times.

She wondered if he was trying to fix himself with her.

When he got there, Lauren was outside while her father was screaming like a lunatic.

"Hey! You don't speak like that to a woman, let alone your daughter!" Damian yelled and ran to Lauren. He held her in his arms. "Honey, it's going to be alright. You can come live with me if that's what you want."

Even if his arms were cold and his words were flat, even when his disregard for her welfare sometimes seemed to run deeper than the protective alpha male stance he took now, she wanted him to protect her then.

"Let's go. I never want to see that bastard again." The two drove off racing toward oblivion. Damian started saying that it would all be OK, that she didn't have to have an abortion if she didn't want to. That they could start a life together. Then Lauren looked at him and stopped sobbing, "Let's get married," she said with tears in her eyes.

They had a special wedding; a unique wedding. During the summer, the friends and family set up tents and planted flowers. They had picked a hillside in the Mountains, the view that each had seen for most of their lives, all the while growing up so close together but never knowing the other existed until the past three years.

They decided on a wedding to honor the Norse Pagan Gods of old, since Damian was a Pagan and Lauren had also a deep love for the earth and a deep connection to Celtic spirituality, to the otherside.

Damian had gotten Lauren a beautiful garnet ring that wove in a knot, and he wore his necklace she had gotten him for his birthday the month of the beginning of their relationship, when things had already shown that it would be a rocky ride with her family and friends saying that he wasn't to be trusted.

You see, Damian might have had a rough life, but he brought not only the kindness but the reality out of Lauren. And more than anything in the world, Lauren needed a true mate. Someone who would bring out the reality in her, not the lies, not the facades, not the passive acceptance of life that others had shown throughout her life.

He was a big fan of Punk Music, and she was introduced to the style through him. She learned more about herself with him than anyone, because he was pure...so pure that she realized sometimes how impure others were, because he had proven to her that he would do anything to keep them together.

She didn't know at first what was driving him to her or why he liked her. Then she realized, it was not just him but his fate to be with her, and hers too. She loved him, but she didn't want to be afraid to love him.

When they exchanged their sacred vows, there was a clap of thunder and it began to rain. Thor was clapping with joy. Not before long, the clouds parted to reveal a beautiful rainbow.

"We'll named her after the rainbow." Damian said through a smile.

But things didn't last for long, and although Damian wanted to be a good father, he couldn't stop his outbursts. Late nights with the guys, jamming, drinking until drunk, and coming home to fight with Lauren almost every weekend. And what Lauren didn't know, was that Damian was also the world's worst womanizer, going to strip-clubs when Lauren thought he was just out with his friends.

Fucking whores and spending his last hard earned money for his egotistical sex-drive. What had Lauren gotten into, spending nothing but her love on this worthless piece of shit? She'd thought she could fix him, change him from a sociopath into someone who respected and appreciated the world. She learned sooner or later that he didn't want to change, for her, the world or anyone. And he never would change, not even for his daughter Iris.

Bruises slowly replaced by make-up, but there wasn't enough foundation or powder to cover up all the marks. One day Iris decided that she'd had enough of seeing mommy getting beat up, and the disgusting sex sounds she'd hear from the otherside of the wall.

Iris packed up all her things, then ran away. When Lauren realized Iris' disappearance, she called Damian. He didn't sound panicked, but calm and as usual, the same damn emptiness echoed between the line. "We'll find her," he said.

He didn't care. She knew.

And when they found Iris' body in the river, the only thing running through Lauren's mind was how she was going to get revenge on the man who ruined her life, and killed her daughter. One night as Damian was sleeping, she crawled into his bed with a knife..he woke with a jolt and suddenly she was pinned to the floor of the room.

"Bitch! You've broken my heart, and now you'll have to pay."

With her mouth gagged, Lauren saw him then for the true person he was. The uncaring hidden monster behind the mask.

His split off piece was coming to life. As he twirled the knife in his hands, Lauren prayed to God that it would be a quick kill.

Then he spread her legs and ***** her, breathing in her ears and whispering..."hush now sweetheart. It'll be over soon." He didn't stop ****** her, and then with one quick flash Lauren felt the knife stabbed between her ribs. Blood was oozing from the wound as Damian kept on fucking her and fucking her until she lay cold, like a fish out of water.

He cut up a piece of her skin, and began to eat it. Then he took the blade and cut a scar across the chest. He was cursing her under his breath, fucking her again, the dead lifeless mutant that he never understood.

Oh my sociopath, come to me my psychopath. Murderous lips like ruby sunburst dreams, as my hopes fall apart at the seams. Nothing is as it seems. Look, my sociopath, look at how I scream.

And it was then that he was in his true power, his natural state.
He had a clean slate again before he would move onto his next victim, and believe me, he'd have another one.

He wiped her hair from her eyes, and he was the same man he'd always been.

Saya · 11-26-2010, 09:22 PM

Dude, if you're going to rag on published lit for being crap and trying too hard to fit a certain aesthetic, maybe you shouldn't do the exact same thing only ten times worse. But, to be helpful, it was crap, but why was it crap? Lets examine a few things. This is going to be long but trust me, you'll find it useful, its in no way to discourage you from writing, it shit I wish people told me when I was writing really bad crap.

Firstly, the story is a mess and extremely rushed. The opening nightmare scene, for example. Its not scary, and completely unnecessary. When a story opens with such a scene it is to set the mood. Its cliche, but usually a horror story isn't scary from the get go, it takes time to build up mood and atmosphere, such scenes assure the reader that scary things are to come, just be patient. So if you're going to use that cliche, it has to be quick and painless because people reading are going to know its a cliche, but it should also do the job of foreshadowing. Yeah you said she dreamed of rrape and murder, but big whoop.

After that you leap from scene to scene with little transition, we go right from the nightmare to the morning, and then her father is slapping her across the face. Is it the same morning? At home? Its disjointed and hard to follow. Where is the setting? What did the nightmare have to do with all that?

Its a mess because its rushed. You had an idea for a story, hurray! But take your time. A story needs more than "and this happened then this happened then this happened." You can use this as a bare bones outline but its not finished work, you didn't even fix typos. You can write this way again, as an outline, but you don't stop there. Now you rewrite it, if its longer, its longer, flesh it out. I have read fantastic stories that were simple, but it never stopped at the outline. And rarely have I read good simple stories with this kind of plot, its unoriginal, so all you can do is lay on the atmosphere thickly and scare the crap out of your audience so they don't notice the flaws it does have. Stephen King has made a career of this! And no one cares if your character dies at the end because nobody cares about them. We never spent much time with Lauren!

Now, to the point that this is worse than the things you complained about in your other thread. Pagan ceremonies? Forbidden love? Evil boyfriend? A character being told "you're stupid," that character saying "You don't know him!" and then it turns out they really were stupid? Sounds like everybody who ever died in a bad horror movie! And if Damian is evil, and you're trying to hint that he is the Antichrist...Why does he believe in Norse mythology? If he is the Antichrist, he knows the biblical God is real, and I would imagine he wouldn't particularly care for paganism. And thats why this story is screaming pathetically "I'M SO GOTHIC HORROR", you're adding details like that which make no sense, somewhat contradictory, or just do no matter at all. You're trying to appeal to a certain aesthetic.

And, to reiterate an earlier point, no one cares about a grisly death scene if we don't care about your characters. It wasn't even that grisly, what piece of Damian was cut off? I assumed penis but then he gave her the old in out. Which reminds me, don't do a rrape scene just to shock. It shows. I would never jokingly refer to rrape as the old in out in any other case, because anyone here will tell you that I am a bleeding heart feminazi and rrape scenes really, really, really bother me, normally. But that one had me yawning, it was clear you only added that detail to make the death more grisly, it was purely manipulative, and it was extremely lazy. And possibly the one thing you gave some attention to, which makes it seem the crescendo of the story, and somewhat seemed like it was almost being eroticized. Its in seriously bad taste, but again it wasn't that emotional to begin with so all I end up feeling is annoyed you'd try to pull that one, not horrified that a woman was rraped by her husband who is missing an appendage that doesn't speak its name.

And SHOW, don't tell. Thats a huge thing for you as well. Don't tell us no one approves of Damian! Let her have conversations where this is revealed! Let Damian talk about the war! Let these details be uncovered gradually. Laying the cards out in front of us blatantly does not compelling stories make.

deathbycherries · 11-26-2010, 10:22 PM

You know what really screams pathetic? Writing a post as long as my story ranting about all the cliche' parts when you don't know why I wrote what I wrote. You try to appeal to the same aesthetic you trash, the masses. Fuck the masses. The whole point of my writing, which you will learn soon, is that it doesn't give a fuck about mass appeal, or what the reader thinks.

It draws on a scenerio and paints a picture. It's actually very close to my relationship with someone. I did have nightmares for three years about a man ****** me and murdering me. And then I met this guy randomly who portrayed exactly the kind of person in my dreams that plagued me. I was so afraid of him, so no I'm not drawing on some gothic horror cliche. I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. If you're saying "It's been done" well everything has been done before, big deal. I didn't know it was that cliche'. I wasn't thinking of a book I read or horror movie, this was based on my life.

So before you trash something, why don't you actually read the story and let it generate and experience, actually be open to someone else's point of view. I can deal with constructive criticism but this is not constructive, sure you wove bits and pieces of advise through long stupid rants about how overdone it seemed. In the end, you don't get it. And of course, you tried and failed to choose a weak point by referring to a previous post. How very literate of you.

See, what you will come to understand as you mature is that writing is what you make of it. You made it sound like crap, well that's your opinion. And the part about him saying he thought he was the devil was actually a quote from the real person. I may not be good at death scenes, or vivid graphic writing. But at least I have some depth to it, that you obviously missed.

Saya · 11-26-2010, 10:49 PM

Priceless. You said in your intro you came here to get help with your writing, and when I go out of my way to be nice, not only to identify the shitty writing but outline exactly where you are going wrong, you get butt hurt.

Quote:

Originally Posted by deathbycherries

See, what you will come to understand as you mature is that writing is what you make of it. You made it sound like crap, well that's your opinion. And the part about him saying he thought he was the devil was actually a quote from the real person. I may not be good at death scenes, or vivid graphic writing. But at least I have some depth to it, that you obviously missed.

As I mature? We're probably around the same age. Most people here would've just told you its shit, and went on their merry way.

And no, as you mature and you know, learn shit, you will learn that writing is NOT what you make of it. Things can be interpreted in different ways, but good prose is objectively identified. As you can't slap together some stick figures and call it a work of art, you can't make a mess like you did and tell me its complete and its good. Its not a matter of interpretation. I have already outlined and justified why its terrible, these are facts.

Quote:

You know what really screams pathetic? Writing a post as long as my story ranting about all the cliche' parts when you don't know why I wrote what I wrote. You try to appeal to the same aesthetic you trash, the masses. Fuck the masses. The whole point of my writing, which you will learn soon, is that it doesn't give a fuck about mass appeal, or what the reader thinks.

It draws on a scenerio and paints a picture. It's actually very close to my relationship with someone. I did have nightmares for three years about a man ****** me and murdering me. And then I met this guy randomly who portrayed exactly the kind of person in my dreams that plagued me. I was so afraid of him, so no I'm not drawing on some gothic horror cliche. I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. If you're saying "It's been done" well everything has been done before, big deal. I didn't know it was that cliche'. I wasn't thinking of a book I read or horror movie, this was based on my life.

It doesn't make your story better, its still garbage. So you hate a nightmare, so? It doesn't make it DEEP. In fact, I think it makes it more shallow. You're very self centered if you just had a night terror and expect us to pity you enough for it to excuse something so bad.

It doesn't so much paint a picture as shit all over the floor and tries to justify itself by saying it was inspired by a bad meatloaf.

Quote:

So before you trash something, why don't you actually read the story and let it generate and experience, actually be open to someone else's point of view. I can deal with constructive criticism but this is not constructive, sure you wove bits and pieces of advise through long stupid rants about how overdone it seemed. In the end, you don't get it. And of course, you tried and failed to choose a weak point by referring to a previous post. How very literate of you.

Its not a weak point, it was an excellent point. I did read the story, and again, its TERRIBLE. With caps! You should praise me for gleaning what I could, its utterly unreadable at times and confusing at other times. You're supposed to be doing mass communication in college? I suggest you learn to communicate effectively before writing, then, its your tuition on the line.

deathbycherries · 11-26-2010, 11:05 PM

You're such a hypocrite. Don't even reply to my posts. You don't have a mind of your own. Who said I wanted you to pity me? I feel more sorry for you than anyone, because you look like a royal bitch. I'm sure it makes you feel superior but it just makes you look immature.

"And when I go out of my way to be nice." If this is you when you're nice, that's pretty sad. Before you trash my writing, look up Nice in the dictionary.

I must have missed something....LMFAO. You don't even prove any points to anyone but yourself. It's like your talking to yourself, because you haven't changed my mind at all. If you're expecting me to appreciate your in depth criticism then here's my MIDDLE FINGER. You're not trying to help me, obviously, you're trying to look good.

Epic Fail.

deathbycherries · 11-26-2010, 11:07 PM

Btw. I didn't say published books were shit, I said Mainstream Twilight crap was...

Saya · 11-26-2010, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deathbycherries

You're such a hypocrite. Don't even reply to my posts. You don't have a mind of your own. Who said I wanted you to pity me? I feel more sorry for you than anyone, because you look like a royal bitch. I'm sure it makes you feel superior but it just makes you look immature.

So, effectively, you never want to receive any criticism, you want people to pretend that when you do a shit job, that its wonderful? You criticize me for being sheeple apparently, but you want people to be sheeple to you?

Quote:

"And when I go out of my way to be nice." If this is you when you're nice, that's pretty sad. Before you trash my writing, look up Nice in the dictionary.

I must have missed something....LMFAO. You don't even prove any points to anyone but yourself. It's like your talking to yourself, because you haven't changed my mind at all. If you're expecting me to appreciate your in depth criticism then here's my MIDDLE FINGER. You're not trying to help me, obviously, you're trying to look good.

Epic Fail.

I hope that you can recover from this injury I have evidently given your soul.

Murder.Of.Crows · 11-26-2010, 11:52 PM

Deathbycherries, listen to saya on this. The first story you posted i told you the same things. Don't rush, don't tell, show, and draw the reader into the characters and story not just the idea of the story. When saya said it was crap, don't take offense, figure out why. And, she did give you a more pleasant comment than most people would here. She tried to help you, not merely criticize you. So breath, read a published book and compare it to your story. A true artist can see their flaws and strive to perfect them.

deathbycherries · 11-27-2010, 07:37 AM

Murder of Crows, thanks. Personally, it felt more like Sanya was trying to upset me but I understand. I never asked people to like what I wrote, and to assume I want people to just applaud my efforts is wrong. And when you criticized me, you made the effort not to trash everything I wrote. I get this a lot from people, so I'm used to it, and of course it struck a nerve because I am being honest. It was inspired by my life and if that's cliche then I'll work on that. But to trash it and expect me to agree is a little bit inappropriate. She could have been constructive without the name-calling. So I'm some petty self-centered cliche loser, gee thanks. I don't really understand how that could be helpful....

Saya, enlighten me.

Saya · 11-27-2010, 04:20 PM

Murder Of Crows summarized my first post already, only I went in depth on each point and was more particular. It was amazingly constructive.

Alan · 11-27-2010, 04:34 PM

Jesus fucking christ, cherries, she didn't fuckign call you any names in her first post and you called her pathetic.
How could one person be so pitiful? How old are you?

Apathy's_Child · 11-27-2010, 05:00 PM

Deathbycherries, what Saya was trying to say constructively is that your writing is weak and the overall effect is therefore that of sucking harder than a whore sat in a sucking chest wound. You also have a shitty attitude and an heroic overestimation of your own talent. No one's saying it's the worst shit they've ever read - just that it needs work. Quit crywanking over your Vision and you might learn something.