Gnet Buddhakai

[ssj_goku]

So i totally got inspired by Aparthy's Childe and OI wrote a gnet sstory of my own. My mom even let me us her computer (which has micro$oft word with SPALLCHECK and my bro helped me edit it )

I jusst finished and now I ned to go to bed so READ AND COMMENT PLZ.

GNET Buddhakai (C)

by Travis Jacobsen

Chapter 1: Prologue.

I didn’t want to fight this bull *pan to image of a totally gnarly fist flying into the jaws OF A BLACK BULL (you can see bull spit flying from it’s mouth)* but I had to…

*Blackout cue loud meat punching sounds*

But I had to…

*Zoom out. Awesome flute music plays that makes you think of epic battles in the dessert, with some lady moaning in the background maybe*

I had to…

*cut to a man’s eyes. They are the gray weathered eyes of a hero, the eyes of a hero who has seen too much…knows too much…and is totally over everything*

BISHAAASH! Says the bull. The Bull’s eyes are red. Red like the Red Red blood running down it’s chin from where it just got totally checked in the jaw a minute ago. The Beast stamps it’s hoofs into the dirt causing blowing clouds of dirt to go swirling into nothingness. The bull is mad, it’s about as mad as bull can be: it’s muscles are flexing and rolling over each other flicking sweat off into the air to be highlighted by the dessert sun like some kind of Beef Earthquake.

The man stands challengingly. The bull charges it charges so hard the ground splits under it’s charge. The sunlight pings off it’s horns and then the action totally slows down like in the matrix. The man jumps to the side and does a bad-ss karate chop to it’s horns totally breaking one off and then with his other hand he makes a fist and he straight punches it in the dick like Rocky to a speed bag.

The man stops. The bull stops. Then the background goes completely red and the bull is just a black shape and all you can see is a flash of light coming from the man’s grey eyes as the bull wreaks it’s face into the dirt. The Bull rolls over onto it’s back and tries to grab it’s crotch but it can’t because it has hooves instead of hands

You were a worthy opponent says the man. I didn’t want to fight you but

…I had to. The wind blows solemnly.

Then Underwater Ophelia came out from behind her rock and looking at her mobile ipad.

She yells: YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH Travis!!! According to my calculus your readings are off the chart!

Travis says nothing…

I mean it says Ophelia. Your strength level must have gone up at least 15 points!

Travis looks at his fist it is worn and weathered like old leather and there are black scratches all over it.

15 points? It won’t be enough…

What do you mean it wont be enough? Do you remember that I am a scientist?! I Know these things and your readings are off the chart!

Readings? Says Travis. You may know everything about math and science but you know nothing about the sweet science…can your calculus measure the heart of a man? The will to survive? The fight for what’s right?

Travis says Ophelia. Tears start to well up in her eyes and she looks kind of like sailor mercury but without the glasses. I don’t want you to hurt yourself, if you keep training so hard you’ll fall apart!

I can get strong now…or fall apart trying said Travis. Ophelia is going to say something but then Travis feels something.

GET BEHIND ME OPHELIA!

Ophelia screams as a whole bunch of shadowy rotten ninjas jump out at them screaming like a million tin monkeys. Travis flexes his vinery mussels with veins running through them like bolts of lightning in a lightening storm and gets into a fighting stance.

I can sense their power Travis says to himself as the zombie ninjas attack. I could straight beat the tar out of them but there are too many…

HELP ME TRAVIS!!! Yells Ophelia and Travis grabs the nearby zombie ninja who was going to bite her. Travis grabs it by the head and squeezes and yells. The head crushes like a rotten papaya. Guts and brain matter and eyeball goop explodes all over Ophelia while black blood sprays all over Travis accenting his muscles.

BACK UP OPHELIA…

You can beat them right Travis? Says Ophelia backing up while travis breaks another one straight in half over his knee and then takes those two haves and smashes them over another zombie ninja’s head.

*Pan to an scene, there’s at least 100 zombie ninjas coming in. Cue heavy metal music

Goku starts punching and kicking and using every fatal move he knows. He snaps 20 necks and punches 14 kneecaps in and breaks 36 arms. Black zombie ninja blood falls from the sky like they’re fighting in an oil field during a dessert storm. Travis fights until his moves become ragged and he is breathing hard and his side really hurts but there’s still at least 20 left.

You can beat them right Travis? Says Ophelia backing up while Says Ophelia backing up while travis breaks another one straight in half over his knee.

I told you fifteen points weren’t enough…

Thinks Goku as he punches one zombie so hard it explodes like a mushroom cloud.

Darn it we’re going to lose…

*Start tens moment. Ophelia clings tightly to Travis’s reapply arm. The zombie ninjas close in. Goku knows they’re going to die but doesn’t act afraid because he’s not afraid, just really mad. THEN:

All the ninjas explode and a black man wearing a black coat and a black shirt and black pants with black eyes appears. His hair is black with silver tips and blows in the wind. Cue somber western music. His skin is pale white and shadowy. The strange man looks travis in the eye. Travis looks back.

Good thing I found you…Travis.

I could have Tekken then Travis says with a smile, but he is tired and his eye is closed.

Sure you could have…says the man, except you couldn’t…not without my help.

I’ll let you know when I Ned your help…Apathies’ Child…

Apathies’ Child laughs lowly: You’d better train harder Goku. Kumbiah’s going to be…in the buddahkai.

Travis doesn’t even flinch. His face goes hard like a rock made of steel. The

buddahkai…

Ophelia, Apathies Child, and Travis walk away together toward the sunset. The bull is still trying to nurse it’s wreaked junk with it’s boney hooves.

End chapter one

[KontanKarite]

Oh.... my... god.

[Despanan]

What is this? I don't even

[Apathy's_Child]

A black bull getting its shit ruined? Zombie ninjas? Dammit, UNEXPLAINED LADY MOANING?

I...... have been bested.

[Despanan]

Wow...a Beef Earthquake.

I thought that I'd hallucinated this story while I was Duckman Drunk.

I see I was wrong.

[Underwater Ophelia]

You capture me so well.

[Underwater Ophelia]

"
Ophelia, Apathies Child, and Travis walk away together toward the sunset. The bull is still trying to nurse it’s wreaked junk with it’s boney hooves.
"

I promise you guys I peed just a little bit when I read this.

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

You capture me so well.

"Like Sailor Mercury but without the glasses."

Wow.

[ape descendant]

I almost choked to death on my lunch, laughing. <3

[Apathy's_Child]

I like how I'm just as awesome in this as in mine. When Goku & I gain well-deserved recognition, the crossover fanfiction will practically write itself. I wonder who I'll fuck when the inevitable slash starts. Pretty guys always get slashed I'm told.

[PortraitOfSanity]

Shit stop bashing it, if you do that he'll stop writing! It's so hilariously awful, I want more!

[Apathy's_Child]

Nah, genius of this magnitude is an involuntary process - it's clear that the Muse is riding his junk all the way to narrative paradise like the nasty, nasty whore she is. He won't stop. He CAN'T stop.

[ssj_goku]

r u guys maekig fun of me?

[korinna5555]

Originally Posted by Despanan

I was Duckman Drunk.

That's pretty fucking drunk..


Dear SSJ, I'd like to appear in this story. Fer teh lolz.

[Murder.Of.Crows]

i Have to say, wow. There are barely any spelling mistakes.

[Angelic Dissonance2]

Oh my fucking god this is amazing goku plz let me be in the fucking story

[ssj_goku]

I've been busy working on the chapter, it took me a long tim butt i'm done. Hppy hoildies new year, remember Jesus is the reason for the season!

Gnet Budhakai ©

By Travis Jacobosen

Chapter 2: Neon Centurion Ultimate Battle

Pop *Zoom in on a goblet of champagan in a totally gnarly hand, it is the hand of OUR HERO and he is totally wearing a spiked glove and a bow-tie* Zoom out Epic music is playing everyone is insanely buff.
This wedding is totally formal.

Ssj_Goku looks over at Ophelia, she is looking totally sexy in a really sexy wedding dress and is kinda sexily muzzled, but not so much that you think she’s a man. She see’s Goku and runs to him and gives him a hug and her boobs totally brush his arm but he knows she’s some other guys girl so he totally plays it cool and doesn’t get a boner or anything.
I’m glad you made it travis! Do you like my dress? Ophelia asks Travis and she turns around.

Travis looks at the spikes and the letter. He looks at the metal hanging off of the big leather collar which looks stupid at first but is really super hot if you think about it. Its okay…says goku totally being cool about everything. Can I see your ceremonial side sword?

Ophelia laughs and covers her mouth. My husband bought it for me as a wedding present, here you go. It’s very much like other things like him that are philanthropic.

Goku blushes a little bit and Ophelia hands him her sword. It is kinda long, but not super long and thin and it has a long handle but not so much that it looks STUPID like part of a hickey stick. There is a gem on the bottom and it’s purple ‘cause girls like things to match for some reason. The steel is black black like the coat of a charging bull and it has black roses engraved on the handle and the blade and the edge and when she draws it it totally cuts the air but not with a pussy SHING: It’s totally screaming heavy metal with a BAHDADANAHANAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! BAHDADANAHANAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! BAHDADANAHANAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH! It’s totally metal like a giant metal horse that makes you think about a horse with red eyes and black metal nostrils with meta mufflers spitting out flames, and those flames came from heck. It sounds like God’s horse if god listened to metal instead of angel’s harps dressed in robes. (But still God is totally cooler so that’s okay)

Oh and there’s ghostly green fire coming off of it.

It was crafted by Elvis Dwarves, who made it from menstrual steel, Ophelia said, do you like it?

It’s okay says Travis trying to act proper and serious holding a family hair loom. I could totally break it with my fist but I won’t because it’s sacred to your family and I like you. This is a cool wedding.
Here are all the people who are at the wedding:

Sir Canvas Corpseh

Onyxbat

Fruitbat

Korrana

Human pain

Anarash

Apathy’s Child (but he’s off to the side being all mysterious)
Ape Decent

Angelic Despondence II

Apathy’s child

Versus cracking his badass knuckles

Saya

Proletariat Sanity (his armor is totally covered with blood, he must’ve killed
some fool, don’t mess with porch insanity)

Murder of Cows (Who’s black like a bull)

Pineapple juice

Zombie

And the rest.

…and Alan.

Oh and I forgot Honey Thorn. She’s there too.

Now check this out:

Travis is winging around the sword playfully and Alan stops it with his finger. Alan is a twelve foot mountain of God defying (even though god still gave it to him) Mussel. The veins on his body are like a road map; totally rope-looking they look like they could totally strangle a beeyotch if they were used as rope. But he doesn’t have to because Alan is a cop: He grabs people. He is a red blooded American cop who loves communalism. He has a tattered American flag which he wears as a cape. He has an epic beard like Leonitis except his is more epic: like a hair bicep.
“It would ameliorate circumstances if you would not be so callus with my wife’s nuptial rapier” Alan tells him. This is not a toy.

Alan’s eyes are sharp, like a clash of thunder, but being that Travis is so awesome and has trained so long HE DOESN’T BACK DOWN.
They both acknowledge each other’s power but Goku is still a little stronger so he lets this slide, but it’s totally okay BECAUSE THEY’RE BOTH MEN.

There’s even a roll of THUNDER.

“Even the gods try to elevate the tension” says Alana

“its cool, I’ll let you have this one says Travis Seeing as it’s you’re wedding day.”

It is my wedding day says Alan. And I’ve spared no expanse. Communists spend so governments can’t tax.
“Power to the People” says Travis.
Alan points at the pulpit.

KENT HOVIND?! Says Goku flabbergasted.

“I let him out, because he’s not guilty, he’s a man of God and because I’m a Cop” says Alan (and all of you should write your cops so they’ll let him out ‘cause he’s a man of God”

Kent Hovid is decked oout in heavenly armor made of light and crystal: We are gathered her for this b*tchin’ union between Allah and Hemophilia says Kent Hovind. If anyone here that want’s to object is gonna get an f-in knuckle sandwich (Kent Hovind is clearly the boss)

RIGHT ON! Says David Ike from out of the crowd and Kent Hovind totally cocks back his hand but it’s a joke like Moe in the three stooges. But his hand still has holly light coming from it like there’s holes of light pouring out. It looks like porcelain but it’s hard, like the ivory the gates are made out of. In fact his fist is ivory like the ivory gates.

Everyone laughs, and not in a mean way.

When am I gonna land a man? Says Pineapple Sauce

First you have to get a man in a headlock says Salmonella, then you have to check him in the face and drag him to a cave, but this will be really hard because he’s a man.

“I don’t like men because I’m a vegan says Saya” everyone laughs.
Saya then serves up pigs in a blanket but they’ve been seen by a rabies so they’re totally vegan.

“everyone has to love God” says Kent Hovind.

Immediately after that everyone does.

“I love God because I want to get saved” says Saya “but I think Buddah is okay too so I’m Vegan”
That’s pretty much okay says Kent hovind. Clothes enough.

“God is my homie says Saya”
F-in yes says Kent Hovind.

Everybodies rolling with the Holy Sprite now and Ophelia puts her hands on the side of her face and says: I’m getting married. D-right you are says Travis.

“I plan on putting it on Alan on our honey moon!” Says Opelia.
“D-right” says Kent Hovind, like a gangster. When an I gonna get a man says Saya?

And Salmonella says: “Done already told ya beach, gotta get gangster with a dude!”

Punch ‘em in the mouth says Ophelia, They like that. Alan kinda looks at her funny and she cocks back her fist and he flinches JUST A LITTLE BIT but only a little bit because he’s a MAN and he can totally take that shit.

“I guess I’ll never find love” says Travis, “because no one has ever punched me in the face, not even Matt from Chemistry class even though he told people he hit me and I cried. That’s a lie. No one’s ever really hit me.”

“No one’s ever really hit me either” Says Apathy’s Child and he stands there all mysterious and powerful looking. Lightningish fog is around him.

“I now pronoun you man and wife” Says Kent Hovind “You may kiss the Bride”.

Alan is about to kiss Hemophiliac but out of nowhere a Zombie straight bites
HIS FACE OFF.

Holy Sh*t says Alana!

Alan tries to put his face back on his skull, but he dies.

[ssj_goku]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!T

RAVIS screams into the sky with his muscles looking more like molten steel than actual mussels. He looks freaking spring straight ready to flip out and kill some B*tches . Then he takes his knee and straight breaks that zombie’s throat and that zombie totally pukes Alan’s face up on top of Goku’s Rippling muscular, and it’s muscles are so crazy that each and every freaking fiber of the muscle are freaking swollen TO THE MAX and there’s LIGHTINING COURSING THROUGH HIS VEINS and Chest and Travis goes:

JUSTICE PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And he punches the Zombie so hard that it straight punches an hole through it’s chest and that Zombie gets hit so hard that it doesn’t even move and that piece that it punches totally disseminates into plasma and goes down a black hole.

Travis tells the Zombie: “You weak pathetic fool” and the Zombie explodes into weak pathetic fire.
This is how the battle insues:

Human pain gets eaten by a zombie. The zombie straight flosses it’s teeth with his guts, but then Apathy’s child strangles the Zombies teeth with those guts. A zombie bites a chink out of Korranna’s brain and so Travis bites a chunk out of the zombie’s head AND SWITCHES THEIR BRAINS AROUND making her Zombie Korinna and she hangs out with Travis and Alan for the rest of the story except Travis has to kill Korrina later because she’s really a zombie and it’s really sad. Sad violin music is now playing TRAVIS doesn’t care because he’s a man and he doesn’t cry and neither should you.

A zombie Kills Sir Canvas Corpsey and stretches his corpse into a canvas and paints a masterpiece. He gets knighted from a Dreadlord, but that doesn’t matter to Apathy’s Child: Because Apathy’s Child KNEES HIM IN THE HELMET denting the HELMET back into his FACE causing putrid FACE goop, to seep through the Helmet’s grill. Then he rips off his ARMS, slaps his face off with his ARMS and then RIPS OFF HIS DICK AND SHOVES IT UP HIS @$$ and then he snaps him over his knee and bends him into the shape of a pretzel and then breaks his legs.

Then he throws him into the garbage and stings him up by the spine.
Apathy’s Child and Travis take a moment to slap hands with their Mussely forearms slapping together like men.

“Lets be friends” Says Apathy’s Child

“The Best of Friends” Says Travis.

Onxy bat and Fruit Bat have their heads slammed together by a HUGE ZOMBIE who is like the Tank in left 4 dead but looks cooler. They are now dead, and the same person, because you can’t tell one from another. ALL BATS LOOK THE SAME.

Then a big Zombie pokes his thumbs through Angelic Descendant’s face, through his head and peels him like a banana. His guts fall on the ground and everybody wants to puke but they don’t because it’s a formal event and they’re HARD.
Then Ape Decent gets peeled like a banana and gets her head ripped off like a banana when an ape tries too eat it.

“Still think people are monkeys says Kent Hovind?” as he does a Holy bolt into a totally sweet zombie with bone spikes coming out of it’s muscles and blood seeping out of it’s pours and Heavy Metal leaking out of it’s ocarina’s. It explodes into Heckish fire and Apathy’s Child puts his sunglasses on because he’s too cool for it (not because it hurts his eyes)
Every body else kinda gets their @$$es handed to them, or sorta survives or wins. You won’t know until chapter 3. Out of nowhere, who we thought was dead ALAN comes out of NOWHERE with SWEET LAZERS on his shoulders, rocket launchers on his chest, a chainsaw on his hand, and a HAMMER AND SICKLE fist and he straight F-‘s up EVERYBODY.

“How did you survive ?” says Travis?

Alan flexes his mussels. They sound like every kind of steel scraping and screaming together. He looks totally like a metal dragon with bad-A chicken legs kind of like ED 209 in Robocop but cooler, with rocket launchers on his chest and SWEET LAZERS COMING OFF OF HIS HEAD.

“How did you survive?” Says Travis.

“Through Ophelia’s science” Says Alan.

“Cyborgs are cooler than cops” says Ophelia.

“Lets go get Kahmehameha” says Travis.

“First we have to train harder says Apathy’s Child, with wind blowing through his black leather trench coat mysteriously” we have to train
with…Deadmanwalking_05!

To Be continued…

End scene, cue epic star wars soundtrack, roll credits

To be continued

[Still Jack]

This shit is the shit. Proletariat Sanity and Hair Biceps. Mate this shit kills. Hahahahahahaha

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by ssj_goku

When am I gonna land a man? Says Pineapple Sauce

First you have to get a man in a headlock says Salmonella, then you have to check him in the face and drag him to a cave, but this will be really hard because he’s a man.

“I don’t like men because I’m a vegan says Saya” everyone laughs.
Saya then serves up pigs in a blanket but they’ve been seen by a rabies so they’re totally vegan.

I think you captured Saya to a T.

[ssj_goku]

Originally Posted by Still Jack

This shit is the shit. Proletariat Sanity and Hair Biceps. Mate this shit kills. Hahahahahahaha

Thank u! I worked really hard on it oover the break ^___^

my Brothter helped a little too.

Sorry about the typos though. Spellcheck diesn't always work right.

[virtualruffy]

I think I shat myself. This is really the Wayan Brothers writing it, right? All I can say is, how about a podcast of a full reading with sound effects? Absolute gold.
Can I pop up out of the catacombs in chpt 3? You need Mole people too.

[CuckooTuli]

Originally Posted by ssj_goku

Ophelia, Apathies Child, and Travis walk away together toward the sunset. The bull is still trying to nurse it’s wreaked junk with it’s boney hooves.

I just snorted out loud at work.

Genius.

[KontanKarite]

What. The. Fuck?!

[BlackBlood]

Lol.

very entertaining hihi..