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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
04-06-2011, 04:49 AM
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#1
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 71
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Not sure what this is yet
If this is total rubbish, please tell me and I won't post anything ever again.
(bear in mind it is unfinished)
---08/05/2011---
The anger, like blood, flows through the veins of the addicts denied.
A fix, a shot, a scar
Their daily dose,
The drug. The blood.
And so, through the screams, through the flesh
The pleads will come,
For this picture speaks of a thousand violent, broken words
All crying, pleading, screaming, begging us for mercy.
Disapproval your reply
to the cries of my broken soul,
Lost in your honest lies, a tribute to the fallen stars
Your sacrifice
Ripping me apart today, just as every other day
where they wouldn't let the blood stay in the veins.
Is it my insanity that keeps me sane
or your cruelty that makes you vain?
Does it hurt for your golden heart to beat
or is it the blade that makes me bleed?
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04-06-2011, 03:26 PM
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#2
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: In this really weird and caothic place called reallity
Posts: 17
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Nice work, for "idk what this is" it's actually pretty good.... the structure you use seems kinda random, but that's not necesseraly a bad thing
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04-06-2011, 09:46 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 71
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Thanks, I couldn't really remember how it started out because I had it written on a very narrow piece of paper
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04-06-2011, 10:39 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 16
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I don't think I got the right meaning...But I feel the power in it, especially in the last four lines, though I dont understand quite well the last two...
Ya I agree that although seems random, the poem is of great power and beat.
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04-07-2011, 03:26 AM
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#5
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 71
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Thanks for the input.
@Vilentina: Do you think I should change it?
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04-07-2011, 03:43 AM
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#6
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ami
Thanks for the input.
@Vilentina: Do you think I should change it?
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I may need some explanation...or see other people's comment... That could do help, I think. I like the rhythem so if you were to change, keep it that way...
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04-07-2011, 03:57 AM
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#7
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 71
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Throughout the entire piece, you're dealing with 2 "threads" or themes (for lack of a better word) it starts with the simile "like blood" and from the the 2nd line onward, it takes on it's own thread, I'll highlight the secondary theme:
Quote:
The anger, like blood, flows through the veins of the addicts denied.
A fix, a shot, a scar
Their daily dose,
The drug. The blood.
And so, through the screams, through the flesh
The pleads will come,
For this picture speaks of a thousand violent, broken words
All crying, pleading, screaming, begging us for mercy.
Disapproval your reply
to the cries of my broken soul,
Lost in your honest lies, a tribute to the fallen stars
Your sacrifice
Ripping me apart today, just as every other day
where they wouldn't let the blood stay in the veins.
Is it my insanity that keeps me sane
or your cruelty that makes you vain?
Does it hurt for your golden heart to beat
or is it the blade that makes me bleed?
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Does that help?
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