Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

[Catch]

Sometimes identifying an abusive relationship is difficult. I’ve had a few. It starts out playful, “Just messing around.” Of course, the relationship evolves and the line between abuse and playfulness is already blurred.

One relationship that I was in for several years never quite made it to the abusive point but it was getting close. First, it started with sparing. At first it didn’t seem like a big deal; however it led to spontaneous sparring, to which I had not agreed to when my boyfriend was angry with me.

Than you have stepping on the others feet or punching them in the shoulder when they say something rude, spiteful or tactless. Eventually, over a few years it came to the point were he would reach for my arm and I would start sparring. Though no bruises, broken bones or hospitalizations ever happened there had been more than enough times I got hurt and so did he.

So was it ever really ‘abuse.’ I stopped dating him. It was becoming dangerous and self-destructive. To this day, still not totally sure there had been any abuse at all, or if we were just play fighting. However, after not dating for several years, I have decided that it is completely unacceptable to touch another person out of spite. If they or I say anything rude, spiteful or tactless, the correct course of action is to talk about it.

[horrorgirl]

I was in two different emotionally abusive relationships. One right after the other. I have had to work out a lot of things going on in my mind, but now I am much better. I would never let anything like that happen to me again.

[Blushing Heliophobe]

Yeah - I was in one once that had us literally choking the breath out of each other's throats and leaving bloody marks. It was pretty bad.

It took a very long time for me to trust again, and it's still a work in progress.

What I hate the most about it is when you actually do find the most perfect person, and you're subconciously afraid that they're going to do exavtly what that *other* person did, which isn't fair at all.

Had this conversation the other night with my mr. I apologized to him for having to clean up the mess somebody else left behind in my head. He said...

"I'm not paying for what somebody else did. I'm helping you to feel loved and trust again, which is fine by me and doesn't bother me at all."

And that's the best thing you can hear.

[Solumina]

awwww it sounds like you have a really sweet guy.

I personaly have never been in an abusive dating relationship but I have had one extreamly emotionaly abusive friendship that lasted from the time I was in kindergarden all the way up to my freshmen year in highschool. This girl used me for all that I was worth and didn't do a damn thing in return but I didn't know any different. She was the first friend that I had and she manipulated me into distancing myself frome other people by convincing me that she was the only one that cared about me, which is exactly how I ended up with all of the trust issues that I have.

Thankfuly I didn't have any classes with her freshmen year and we had different lunch blocks. Being as untrusting as I was I ended up siting by myself but a girl from my 1sh period class sat down with me and I finaly found a real friend. Given it took well over a year for me to cut off my ties with Caitilin and I still don't completely trust anyone but I am doing much better.

[Pathogen.]

Hell yeah. One.

The abusive relationship was with my older sister Denise, whom I lived with for 1 year in Atlanta. Imagine living with an older sibling who loves you to death [or claims to] & her 4 rotten kids. In 3 different living spaces [2 apartments in the same complex & 1 suburban one-story house]. Also imagine this person being verbally/emotionally-abusive towards you at all times. Will force you to give up your lifestyle-choices [vegetarianism] for hers [meat-centred diet]. Will not pay you back for exorbitant amounts of money she's borrowed from you. Will give you a ride to work but not from work--except on pay day. Will take all of your money after cashing your pay-cheque from work every 2 weeks; then claim that it's all for rent, bills AND food, thereby leaving you with nothing. Also imagine leaving "Dear Jane" notes in the kitchen. Leaving your older sibling's house 1 cold November morning with your suitcase & backpack packed, only to be cornered a mile away from the house by a dark green car & ROBBED by your older sibling's 2 oldest sons. ON YOUR OLDER SIBLING'S ORDERS. JUST TO GET YOUR PAY-CHEQUE. Then have your luggage thrown into a car trunk & held for ransom unless you produce said pay-cheque. Also imagine having the lock on your suticase broken with your nephew's Swiss Army knife. Then cashing the pay-cheque at a La Raza-run cheque-cashing place & being forced to give your older sibling almost all of your money from you [$300], just to leave you with $81.

Imagine this being the last time you see your older sister, her 2 oldest sons & 1 of the oldest son's girlfriend.

I don't have to imagine any of what I described to you. This happened to me after living with Denise, a family member I haven't seen for decades. Someone who used me greatly. Someone who knew all of my strengths, weaknesses & quirks. Then exploited the hell out of my weaknesses. At the that time in my life, I wasn't her "baby bro". I was her cash cow. Her favourite victim.

I would've stayed in Atlanta for many years, but my experience living with Denise fucking ruined that for me. It was a huge part of why I left Atlanta [& the East Coast] for good. It also taught me a valuable lesson: Family will fuck you over worse than a stranger will.

Physically and emotionally abusive friendships.

Emotionally abusive relationships...

I don't want to have a physically abusive relationship... because I had to watch my Mom be beaten by my dad when I was younger and that was more than enough.

[winged_dreams]

Originally Posted by darkangel29

I don't want to have a physically abusive relationship... because I had to watch my Mom be beaten by my dad when I was younger and that was more than enough.

The same thing with me. Ever since I was young I knew I wasn't going to date anyone like my stepdad.

It's the choice in the matter though. Had mom stayed... I would have thought being hit meant he loved me. I know VERY differently.

[tenet_2012]

Originally Posted by Santarea

I had the snot slapped, shaken and screamed out of me for three years because I was fat, ugly, stupid and a waste of life. Then I snapped out of it and broke his nose. This began Santarea....

Abuse changes people, alot.

I would be willing to bet that most of the cooler people here have been abused in some form.

It makes you see a different side of life, I think.

[tenet_2012]

But seriously, Santarea, you are gorgeous (with a Brooklyn accent).

[lena]

Yes, I have at one point, with my husband. It was only for a period of 6 months or so after our first year of marriage (weve been married 4 years) I was about to leave him. After he talked to a doctor (to get a referal elsewhere for help) the doctor told him to stop taking a muscle building vitamin thing he was taking that contained either Phen Phen or ephedra (or is that the same thing?) because whatever it was caused anger management problems in some people. He stopped taking it and a couple of weeks later he was fine. It was really rough and scary while it lasted though. Especially since my daughter was only 2 at the time. I sincerely hope that any one who has a real problem with this gets out of the relationship and gets the help they need. Too many women (and men too i suppose) just deal with it and dont say anything.

[Kinflame]

Not physically abusive, but at one point last summer, before I became conscious of moral values and started thinking correctly, I was dating four girls at once and manipulating all of them.

I sure was a dick

Eventually I just stopped hanging out with any of them and cut off all connection. Be wierd if I ever see them around again.

[Wise Child]

Yeah... especially if they're all together, and descend on you in a screaming heap baying for your blood.

Hey, least you've moved on... I know plenty of twenty-year-olds who're still in the same midset.

[Catch]

Ya. It is a good idea to move on as fast as possible.

Verbal abuse is kind of bad, but really just wasting time breaking up. Better to just break up and move on fast as possible.

Not only do you get older, but also tend to let yourself go when someone is being mean to you all the time. Doubly difficult to find a new mate.

[An Eccentric Cellist]

Agreed it's a waste of time breaking up dramatically. Just move on.

I went to a private school when I was young. All the kids hated me. So about forty kids started to laugh when I went head first into a brick wall and started screaming in pain. Almost half of the girls manipulated me. The teachers witnessed and a couple joined in, I stayed very close to the ones that would do something at all times and learned how to become inconspicuous. I had one good friend, that probably kept me from going insane in such a hateful atmosphere.

The public school I went to, after the first half school year teased, tormented and made me the subject of ridicule. I closed in on myself for about five years opened a little for about three to four months was manipulated by a girl thirsting for popularity and closed for about half a year.

I became very smart, and mature by staying around my parents and their friends. I'm the way I am because my mom knows how to piece me back together and my dad taught me how to laugh at myself. I have made friends recently, they are mostly boys and tomboy-at-heart girls. I still have problems trusting people. I've started to cry twice, scratch that, three times while writing this. What does not kill you makes you stronger, I've always been different but going through the shit I've gone through I learned how to back my actions up and stand for what I believe. Mental and emotional abuse is just horrible and no one should be subjected to it because wounds will heal but the memories left in their places will debilatate you for a long, long time.

[Kinflame]

'If the reason you're whining is bullshit, though, we, again, reserve the right to make fun of you. '




So you're a pussy who doesn't realize that little children are generally assholes and that letting them get to you is weak?

GOD. I'm thirteen and have been abused, ridiculed, physically hurt because of my appearance, humiliated every day for years, and I'm not 'withdrawn' nor do I have trust issues.

Get a life.

[Catch]

It still doesn't make it right. Unfortunately, most people stop talking to their highschool buddies because of all the hurt feelings. By-the-time reaching adulthood, most figure out that it is nice to be nice and it isn't fake as much as caring about another person's feelings. But it is usually too late and the emotional barriers have already developed.

[Solumina]

Originally Posted by Kinflame

'If the reason you're whining is bullshit, though, we, again, reserve the right to make fun of you. '

So you're a pussy who doesn't realize that little children are generally assholes and that letting them get to you is weak?

GOD. I'm thirteen and have been abused, ridiculed, physically hurt because of my appearance, humiliated every day for years, and I'm not 'withdrawn' nor do I have trust issues.

Get a life.

what did that have to do with anything?

[Magpie_Tendencies]

The rude little so-and-so is reffering to Eccentric Cellist's post and saying that Eccentric Cellist is a 'pussy' because he is upset by people ridiculing him.

Kinflame was saying 'nyah nyah nyah, I'm not withdrawn so you shouldn't be either'. And he was using one of the rules 'If the reason you're whining is bullshit though, we again reserve the right to make fun of you.' to justify his attack on Eccentric Cellist.

For the record I think that Eccentric Cellist has every right to be upset and I think that Kinflame is an ass.

[Solumina]

oh ok now I understand

[Kinflame]

I'm sorry, usually people who are too weak to get over being called names by little children PISS ME OFF. And I was expressing my anger.

I wasn't aware expression of my anger towards foolish people was going to be snidely remarked upon by other foolish people who believe people have the right to senselessly bitch about how 'school ruined their life'.

I guess if the definition of ass was someone who finds it hard to tolerate idiocy, I'm top of the 'ass' list.

[Solumina]

who said that ec didn't get over it? It seemed to me that ec has grown and became a better person because of the experience, it isn't as if there was even a hint of whine to his post. That and being treated cruelly by your peers (of any age) creates an atmosphere that no one does well in, especialy a child who is still in the process of developing his personality. I doubt that you would have any idea what real emotional or verbal abuse is if you are so quick to chastise ec as you did.

[Magpie_Tendencies]

Originally Posted by Kinflame

I'm sorry, usually people who are too weak to get over being called names by little children PISS ME OFF. And I was expressing my anger.

I wasn't aware expression of my anger towards foolish people was going to be snidely remarked upon by other foolish people who believe people have the right to senselessly bitch about how 'school ruined their life'.

I guess if the definition of ass was someone who finds it hard to tolerate idiocy, I'm top of the 'ass' list.

1. It is not 'weak' to be upset when you are personally attacked by people. I'm glad that you were able to move on so well but some people find it a little harder to deal with. This does not make them 'weak'.

2. I don't senselessly bitch about how school ruined my life. I'm still in school and I happen to really like it.

3. My definition of 'ass' was personally attacking another member of this forum who went out on a limb to discuss a topic that affected them and meant something to them.

[Wise Child]

Originally Posted by An Eccentric Cellist

What does not kill you makes you stronger, I've always been different but going through the shit I've gone through I learned how to back my actions up and stand for what I believe.

Damn straight. I also think it makes you a nicer person when you know what it's like. I wouldn't give back a single second of it if I had a chance - I think so many of the good qualities I have nowadays come from being singled out and treated like shit as a kid.

[An Eccentric Cellist]

Thank you Catch, Magpie and Solumia. I wasn't going to answer, it would dignify his comments.
Kinflame I'm over it, have been for a while. Oh and I personally love/d the schools I am in and have gone to,they fulfilled their use of teaching me something.