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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
06-08-2012, 10:18 PM
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#1
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 650
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Madness At Last
The leaves have dried on the trees
of my weathered mind
What once was beauty
Now is what beauty left behind
I watch the moon drift overhead
The mountain tops
Poking into the sky
I dream of a day I can awake
And know truth from falsity
Is there a way to embrace
the clouds so fluffy in their charm
With magic dying softly
In your arms, we dress
We wander often in regress
do not worry, my dear
For I am the mockingbird
At last, I am mad here
A great cry, it was had
For I have lost all that could be
My heart at least can flee
These aching dreams can rest
These wings now bested
What was that? A memory
Now what's left of me
A prism for the world to see
Madness at last
A world that I could be
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06-09-2012, 05:10 PM
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#2
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,700
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"Women hold up half the sky" -Mao
"God always picks the strangest things to get angry about. Get an abortion or gay married and he'll aim a tornado right at you.
Rip off a million poor people and Wall street has no problems. " -Rebecca B
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06-10-2012, 03:45 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 650
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ok then? You're an illiterate jerk.
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06-10-2012, 04:40 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 2,044
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Your poetry still sucks after all this time.
No constructive criticism here.
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06-11-2012, 06:21 AM
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#5
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,700
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Can anyone tell me if there's any lines that they immediately remember or any idea or image they can recall from this poem?
If not. That's why it's bad.
__________________
"Women hold up half the sky" -Mao
"God always picks the strangest things to get angry about. Get an abortion or gay married and he'll aim a tornado right at you.
Rip off a million poor people and Wall street has no problems. " -Rebecca B
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06-11-2012, 06:44 AM
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#6
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 2,044
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I don't know...
The clouds so fluffy in their charm
That line really speaks to me.
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06-11-2012, 07:46 AM
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#7
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: A ship called Dignity
Posts: 1,919
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Xombie, you quoted my favourite line. Clouds are motherfucking boss.
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I am your slice of pie
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06-11-2012, 08:33 AM
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#8
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 132
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If you want your poem to come off as serious (this goes for whatever tone you are aiming for actually) avoid words that don't fit the tone. So "poking" and "fluffy" would have to change, and maybe "charm" too. Think about using a thesaurus when you write.
You may want to keep a theme in mind too while you write. What are you trying to get across? Sure madness, but what about madness?
I haven't written a poem since my early teens. They were all pretty bad like early teen poetry is, and now I never have the inspiration to write anything. So, don't give up. Just don't post them on Gothic.net either.
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06-15-2012, 03:40 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 650
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I dunno. Other people really love them so that confuses me. Most poems that I write that people like the most, get hated the most on this forum.
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06-15-2012, 04:16 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 2,044
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What sort of people like them?
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06-15-2012, 04:34 PM
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#11
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 650
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the ones who graduated hs and aren't internet trolls
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06-16-2012, 05:32 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: northcoast california
Posts: 31
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Does not liking your poem make me an internet troll?
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06-16-2012, 06:16 PM
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#13
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Dude, I don't even know where I live anymore.
Posts: 1,276
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So I color coordinated your poem in what seemed relevant to each other. Orange being this withering mind concept. Blue being this dream state concept. Red being... I don't fucking know what this has to do with anything. And then later a green, where I thought maybe you were bringing two concepts together.
The leaves have dried on the trees
of my weathered mind
What once was beauty
Now is what beauty left behind
Okay, So I am assuming you are symbolizing Fall. Your mind is edging a desolate and bleak existence.
I watch the moon drift overhead
wait... what does this have to do with anything? Are you watching nights go by?
The mountain tops
Poking into the sky
WHAT THE FUCK!? I don't even... MOVING ON!
I dream of a day I can awake
And know truth from falsity
Okay by this I am assuming that your mind is withering because you exist in a fantasy world. You want truth. Okay.
Is there a way to embrace
the clouds so fluffy in their charm
With magic dying softly
Wait, I thought you wanted truth? Now you want to embrace dreams? Make up your fucking mind!
In your arms, we dress
We wander often in regress
do not worry, my dear
For I am the mockingbird
At last, I am mad here
Okay, so now your talking to someone and you refer to yourself as the mockingbird. So your cunning and cruel? Or is this more symbolic to singing in the night?
A great cry, it was had
For I have lost all that could be
I don't even know what the hell your talking about! What did you lose? The dream? The reality? The pursuit of either? The mysterious person you were talking to? WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU LOST?
My heart at least can flee
These aching dreams can rest
These wings now bested
What was that? A memory
Now what's left of me
A prism for the world to see
Madness at last
A world that I could be
Okay, I think I get it. You feel free because all you have left is to run from everything. You decide to leave your dreams behind, because you were defeated by something. Time and the world, I'm assuming.
But, does it not feel real? because you question if it's a memory or not. Nope must be, because now your talking about what is left.
A prism? So you see all the colors now? But you abandoned your pursuit of truth for madness! How can you see now?
Then it ends with you being happy in a dream world you were supposedly defeated to give up.
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Caution, I may bite.
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06-16-2012, 10:06 PM
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#14
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Detroit, Michigan USA
Posts: 102
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Damn Murder.Of.Crows I wish you'd disect my writing like that!
And and another "daaaaamn" to AshleyO for summing up quality poetry in a snap.
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