Graveyard Lust

[Suicidal Love Theory]

I'm not a great writer; in fact, I'm not even a good writer. Nevertheless, this is something I've started to write, it still needs a lot of editing, and people here seem like they know their shit so I thought they'd be able to give me some pointers with my writing or what not.

It's only a short story that isn't even finished yet, I just thought I should get some tips or feedback before I even attempt to finish a story. xD

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A lone tear ran down his face as he hid inside the cubical, the screams tore his head apart, her last words still echoed in his every thought; she’s been dead for the past twenty-something decades, but it was a nightmare that only happened yesterday.
“I’m stronger than this!” he shouted as he kicked down the door and bared his fang-like teeth.
The soft florescent glow from the overhead light made for the perfect setting for a horror movie murder. The walls were bone white, but marked with vandalism from teenagers. The gravedigger startled by this sudden outburst, fumbled his wooden stake as the vampire tossed him around like a rag doll, the bone white walls were now blood red in selected parts.

The gravedigger looked up at the vampire and cowered in fear, his vulgar display of power made the gravedigger come to terms with his strength.
“You can’t run away,” the vampire stated “now get up!”
The gravedigger lay still until the vampire struck under the ribs with a strong left kick that lifted him 30 centimetres of the ground. The gravedigger groaned as he rose up, “Gerard,” the gravedigger said nervously “why do you torture me so?”
The vampire laughed and commanded that the gravedigger leave the toilet block.

The gravedigger started to walk out of the toilets as the vampire grabbed him from behind, in a tight embrace,
“I’m no longer Gerard, and” he whispered into the gravediggers’ ear “I’m bigger than that now.”
The vampire shoved the gravedigger out of the toilet block, and watched him fall to the group helplessly.
“A graveyard with toilets for the dead, they even have little fresh-smelling things to make it smell all nice. Why do dead people need this?” the vampire laughed at his own remark.
The vampire bent over and lifted the gravedigger off the ground almost effortlessly. The vampire brushed the dirt off the gravedigger’s shoulders.
“Don’t fuck with me again, okay? Now lead me to the morgue.” The vampire demanded.
The gravedigger was puzzled, but obeyed the orders none-the-less.
“Gravedigger, remember the old days? We use to live together. We were friends! You betrayed that. A vampire that hates their own kind, you’re such a cliché. I mean, seriously gravedigger, it’s almost movie like. The vampire turns a man, the man takes the vampire’s daughter as his bride, and they both die in a fire. Wow. Do you think I can get a movie contract?” the vampire continued to monologue, “Why did you kill your own daughter? Why did you kill your own creation – me? I’ve got so many questions gravedigger, and you will answer them all!”

They arrived at the front of the morgue, the vampire pulled some chains and duct tape out of his pocket and chained the gravedigger out the front to the railings.
“Now stay doggy,” said the vampire in a teasing tone of voice.
The vampire walked down the bare corridors of the morgue, a comforting place for a vampire. Surrounded by the dead, the dead don’t kill your love, the dead don’t talk, and they lay there, stone cold, dead to the world. The vampire reached room AB11/12-Medical Records. The vampire kicked down the door and started searching through the cabinet files to find the final resting place of his love. A pathologist entered the room just as the vampire found the file he was looking for. The vampire spoke aloud,
“Name: Jayde Lee. Location: Heavens Valley. Row: 13. Column: 3.”
“What are you doing here?” the pathologist demanded.
The vampire grabbed him, threw him up against the wall, bared his teeth, and sunk them into the pathologists’ neck. The vampire drained the blood, his source of life, from the pathologists’ neck until he stood there stone cold, just like everyone else in the morgue.

The vampire emerged from the darkness of the morgue’s corridors, blood dripping from his chin.
“Gravedigger, we’re going to make an exchange.” He said in a frenzied tone.
The vampire tore the duct tape off the gravedigger.
"You will show me where Heavens Valley is, and I will let you live" explained the vampire.
The gravedigger nodded to show that he agreed, as the vampire removed the chains tying him to the rail.

[Alaizabel Cray]

Definately not bad. Have some faith in yourself, bud. x) What I would do with this, would be first off, finish it. I always finish things before going back to edit and make it "pretty". It just works easier for me to get the ideas out while they're still fresh. Then, I'd go back and work on the description a bit. I don't have a clue what your vampire or the gravedigger looks like, however that may not even be important to your story at all. You've got a good start though. My adivce would be to keep at it and you'll do great. x)

[HumanePain]

Awesome! Good hook into the reader from the start, very important. At first I thought the Gravedigger was an incidental character, but from what the vampire said, he had a significant role in the creature's origin, so more character development is perhaps needed for the Gravedigger? But good, I like it. Please continue.

[Crying_Crimson_Tears]

Please, please continue. I don't think you should get down on yourself. This is a very good start to a story. You should keep going. I am anxious to see what will happen next.

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Originally Posted by Suicidal Love Theory

I'm not a great writer; in fact, I'm not even a good writer. Nevertheless, this is something I've started to write, it still needs a lot of editing, and people here seem like they know their shit so I thought they'd be able to give me some pointers with my writing or what not.

It's only a short story that isn't even finished yet, I just thought I should get some tips or feedback before I even attempt to finish a story. xD

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From one amateur writer to another, all I can say is this: finish it. The more you write, and the more you read, the better your writing will become. This is a good start, but more than that, it shows a great deal of potential.

I'm not sure I like how blatant your vampire reference was, though. It might have been better to be more subtle, giving your vampire a name and referring to him mainly by that, or describing his features and leaving it up to the reader to infer his true nature.

If you'd like more critiques, and if you're good at taking constructive criticism, I'm an English major with a focus on Literature and I love looking over the work of budding writers. And since your stuff has definite potential (as I said before), I'd love to contribute anything I can to your growth as a writer. Feel free to email me at darkhearteddemoness@************

[the_ink_bleeds_faster]

That was very very good! The way it is writen makes me want to read more. How could you say that you think you aren't good at writing? You are!