Miss Black - please critique - be brutal if need be, I can take it ;)

[The Raven King]

The prickling sting on the back of your neck

merely an introduction

The metallic desert consuming your throat

a sample of her seduction

Skin so pale

Hair the abyss

Lips the color of blood

She glides never steps

And long fingertips

Without effort bring forth the flood

She commands never asks

She never repeats

Her voice wet silk ripping slowly

She knows what she wants

And thats just what youll want

Her methods are far from holy

She is dark and wet

She is sticky smooth

She is edible diamond hard

She fills you with pain

and plays with your brain

Come sleep on the crystal shards

You must not deny

You must not refuse

You must not bring down her wrath

Just do as she says and youll be just fine

Youll soon learn to follow her path

With pain comes pleasure

With pleasure comes pain

They are both the same

When your lesson is done

And you start to have fun

Then thats the end of her game

She leaves without words

She leaves without a glance

She simply shows you her back

As you sit in the dark you realize

Life is death when you meet

Miss Black



by Yehoshuah Young

[The Raven King]

Originally Posted by Super Spright

Who the fuck is Yehoshuah Young?

Who indeed?

[The Raven King]

Originally Posted by Super Spright

You're a dumb ass.

Read what you wrote.

"by Yehoshuah Young"

So now you're stealing other people's poetry? Or are you such a fart-sniffing pseudointellectual that you quote yourself?

the second choice sounds about right

[Underwater Ophelia]

I think this poem has some potential, because it has a lot of imagery, but the images...not so good. Don't call anything dark "the abyss." It's really cliched. And you probably shouldn't refer to lips as blood for the same reason. Roses are mostly out, too.

[The Raven King]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

I think this poem has some potential, because it has a lot of imagery, but the images...not so good. Don't call anything dark "the abyss." It's really cliched. And you probably shouldn't refer to lips as blood for the same reason. Roses are mostly out, too.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm still learning the art of the rewrite. I'll put your creative criticism to good use.

[Draconysius]

The poem flowed very nicely, going from short to medium, then long, and then back again. The only complaint I have is that the subject matter is quite overdone. If nothing else, you could hide it in metaphors. xD

[Vyvian Blackthorne]

I liked it, nice descriptions, though the imagery could be improved. Overall good. Also, I applaud you for taking Spright's shit so nicely-at least he's gone or at least, reincarnated holy.

[Aaroneet]

You're belittling yourself as a poet. That really wasn't bad. The themes seem a little hollow; make it come from your heart, as corny as it sounds. Strange as it seems, if you find that one thing that strikes a chord, your writing will eventually be THAT GOOD.