The Dead

[Gothic Piano]

The dead of night can be so cold
Wondering things in the moonlight
Vampires kissing the necks of their prey
Killing them one by one
Just so that they can live again
Will the sun ever arise?
Untill sunrise the shadow of death will be present
Killing whomever it desires
Untill the next sunrise

Pleading and bleading that death won't knock on my door
Only a luster untill it will go away
It goes when the sun arises from its sleep
Vengeance will be mine
Untill the next sunrise

Can anyone here me?
Or is all dead?
"Awake!" I scream.
But none breath a breath of life
I'm now alone waiting for its death's shadow
Untill the next sunrise

The sun wakes
Everything comes alive again
Restlessly I wonder
Is it all just a mask to cover what's underneath....

[raggedyanne]

You are quite the literary genious. I like it.

this is awful compared to the Billy Collins' one.

as such: http://mypoetry.wordpress.com/2007/0...billy-collins/

you also lack spelling skills.

[Skade]

Your poem could be alright, but you need to work on some things. I've picked it apart to show you what needs improvement - if you seriously want to be good at writing poetry then consider reading all of the below and think about my advice. I'm not picking your poem apart to be mean to you, I'm doing it because I like giving criticism and because I think you have the potential to become good, if you work at it.

Originally Posted by Gothic Piano

The dead of night can be so cold
Wondering things in the moonlight

Did you mean "wandering?" "Wondering" doesn't make any sense in this context, so if that's what you meant you should reword it. "Dead of night" is a cliché, but it isn't a really bad one, so you could keep it if you like it. I would advise you to avoid any clichéd imagery in the first stanza though. You want to get your reader's attention by giving the impression that your poem is original and interesting, and clichés in the first line isn't exactly the way to go about this.

Originally Posted by Gothic Piano

Vampires kissing the necks of their prey
Killing them one by one
Just so that they can live again
Will the sun ever arise?

When you write poetry always think about whether you are using clichés or original language. Vampires is a cliché subject in itself, especially in dark poetry. So if you want to write about vampires, the most important thing to do is to make sure that you are using words and imagery as original as you possibly can.
"Kissing the neck of their prey" is very clichéd. Describing a vampire's bite as a kiss has been done to death (no pun intended). I'd strongly advice that you come up with a new description.

Originally Posted by Gothic Piano

Untill sunrise the shadow of death will be present
Killing whomever it desires
Untill the next sunrise

Again, watch the clichés. If you're ever in doubt about whether something is cliché, try googling it. Try googling "shadow of death" and you'll see how over-used that line is. It doesn't mean that you can never use words like "death" or "shadow", but if you want to use them well, you'll have to put them into a more original context.
Ending each stanza with the same line, "Untill the next sunrise", works well. However, I'm almost positive that "untill" is spelt "until". I'm not a native English speaker, so I could be wrong about this, but my dictionary agrees with me.

Originally Posted by Gothic Piano

Pleading and bleading that death won't knock on my door
Only a luster untill it will go away
It goes when the sun arises from its sleep
Vengeance will be mine
Untill the next sunrise

"Bleading"? Did you mean "bleeding"? If you meant "bleeding" it doesn't make any sense. It's also too simple a rhyme to sound good.
By "luster" I assume you meant "lustre". You need to work on your grammar.
I also think the rhythm would be better if you rewrte it to: "Only a lustre 'till it goes away". Try reading each stanza out loud. When you hear it spoken out loud it can be easier to hear if a line is a bit too long or awkward.

Originally Posted by Gothic Piano

Can anyone here me?
Or is all dead?

I'm assuming that you meant "hear" and not "here". Seriously, I can understand misspelling "lustre", but "hear"? At least try to make an effort.

Originally Posted by Gothic Piano

"Awake!" I scream.
But none breath a breath of life
I'm now alone waiting for its death's shadow
Untill the next sunrise

First line is ok, but "breath a breath of life" doesn't work at all. You'll need to rewrite it to: "But none breathes a breath of life". Personally I don't like "breathes" being closely followed by "breath". It seems like a bit of a childish alliteration in such a dark and serious poem. If you intended to use alliteration, it would look better if you did it a bit more consistenly. "Death's shadow" needs to stop reappearing in this poem. It's bad enough to use a cliché once, make sure you don't use the same one twice.

Originally Posted by Gothic Piano

The sun wakes
Everything comes alive again
Restlessly I wonder
Is it all just a mask to cover what's underneath....

I like this last stanza well enough. Like I said before, your poem has the potential to be quite good. You need to work on your grammar. If you mispell words all the time it will distract the reader.
Also, take my advice on clichés, I promise that it will improve your poetry a lot.

You are disgustingly passive about this critique. Why don't you give them oral sex while you are at it? Be honest, and brutal. There is no need to reward shitty work.

[Tin_Lizzie]

Wow. It didn't take long for the old you to resurface, Bloopie.

Gothic Piano, interesting theme albeit a bit overwrought. The cliches detract from what you're reaching for here. Try to write without using the word "vampire," let it arise naturally from the images. There seems to be a point-of-view shift here, are you writing as prey or vamp? That needs to be clarified, because in the beginning you seem to fear dark but by the end you long for the day. Overall, the poem is quite atmospheric and it's worth a rewrite. Skade made lots of good suggestions. I second her comments.

[Lykaios]

Too many cliches. It's annoying.

Oh, and might I note that title is also the title of one of the greatest short stories ever, written by James Joyce? Thought I'd throw that in.

It will never end then. No one will ever develop their own sense of style, they will just keep writing like old and crappy poets forever as long as this kind of style is reinforced.

Here, let me give you a real critique. One that actually makes sense, and isn't a ton of LIES.

I will write my comments next to each individual line.

The dead of night can be so cold The dead of night by itself is a terribly overused cliché, and then to say "can be so cold," implies that there are OTHER times when it is NOT cold. Which is obvious, but it has an intended meaning that I hope you intend to follow.
Wondering things in the moonlight This is kind of strange. Wondering things in the moonlight. So there is no punctuation here, and yet it follows a completely different thought. Fail.
Vampires kissing the necks of their prey No punctuation to set off a different idea, and these ideas do not FLOW together. This sounds like very bad prose so far. It doesn't even sound disjointed in a good sense either. It just seems jumpy.
Killing them one by one This entire line is a cliché and you know it. Fail.
Just so that they can live again If I recall correctly, vampires are undead. It seems implausible that a vampire needs to feed to 'live again.'
Will the sun ever arise? arise sounds stupid, it adds syllables to a line, and does nothing but sound archaic, and bulky. This line is just horrible, and doesn't make any sense. This entire poem is one disjointed pile of nonsense so far.
Untill sunrise the shadow of death will be present Shadow of death? Cliché alert!
Killing whomever it desires at least you got whom right, but I suspect you write whomever for just about everything, so you can sound enigmatic and archaic.
Untill the next sunrise You cannot spell until, thus this is bad.

Pleading and bleading that death won't knock on my door Bleeding is spelled wrong, and I don't see what the relationship between pleading and bleeding have to do with each other. Since there is no comma to offset it, there must be an intrinsic relationship between the two. What is the relationship between these two actions? None.
Only a luster untill it will go away Again, bad spelling.
It goes when the sun arises from its sleep Oh God dammit. Why do you keep using the word ARISES?
Vengeance will be mine What do you have to hold your revenge for? WHAT THE FUCK EVEN HAPPENED? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS POEM EVEN MEAN? Nothing.
Untill the next sunrise Why do you have this quasi-refrain in here? Refrains are good things when they are used cleverly, not as word-filler, or nonsense.

Can anyone here me? a cliché that is misspelled. Nothing more annoying.
Or is all dead? How can you begin a sentence with OR? Better yet, how can you say something so...vague, and pedestrian?
"Awake!" I scream. Huh?
But none breath a breath of life None breath a breath of life? Did you perhaps mean breathe? Fail.
I'm now alone waiting for its death's shadow For what? What is this thing that you are referencing? Fail.
Untill the next sunrise Fail.

The sun wakes Stupid metaphor.
Everything comes alive again Trite phrase. Come alive has been said more times than the amount of seconds you've been alive. Which appears to be about 3.
Restlessly I wonder I am wondering, what restless wondering looks like. Two almost diametrically opposed words being smushed together by this would be poet. When we wonder, we gaze up at the cosmos, and find the universe pouring its beauty into us. Restlessly wondering is awful, it's the only original thing you might have said, but wondering is too weak a word to be placed next to the adverb restlessly. Perhaps restlessly thought.
Is it all just a mask to cover what's underneath.... What is this mask? Why this crappy metaphor? Why this poem? Fail.

All in all, this has no redeeming qualities. Your intended effect (whatever it was) is not here, and I cannot find it. This poem reads like disjointed prose, rather than poetry, and is filled with trite phrases, clichés and other things that give no impact or life into poetry.

Vampires are DREADFULLY boring to write about. Fascinating to some, yes, but all in all, BORING. If you can put us into the head of a sophisticated, intelligent, seductive vampire, then that would be FANTASTIC, and INTERESTING.

You have only shown us some blood-sucking monster, and nothing else. This is just a hollywood vampire prose poem.

Originally Posted by Lykaios

Too many cliches. It's annoying.

Oh, and might I note that title is also the title of one of the greatest short stories ever, written by James Joyce? Thought I'd throw that in.

Quoted for truth.

[Skade]

Originally Posted by Bloopie

It will never end then. No one will ever develop their own sense of style, they will just keep writing like old and crappy poets forever as long as this kind of style is reinforced.

Here, let me give you a real critique. One that actually makes sense, and isn't a ton of LIES.

Here's some information for you: You're making yourself look like a complete twat. The criticism you posted was exactly what I said, only you said it while sounding like a teenager who thinks that using curse words makes them cool and that typing in all caps makes them intimidating or brutal.
I'd tell you that criticism needs to be constructive, not a screaming match, but unlike Gothic Piano, you're beyond hope.

Gothic Piano - almost everyone has the potential to write something decent if they work at getting better. I hope you won't let this idiot bother you, he isn't worth it.

I actually know how to write, as I've proven. We shared some of the same ideas, but not all of them. I picked up on other things that you just weren't picking up on, or addressing at all because you're a fucking moron.

I didn't even read what you wrote, because it was already sickeningly sweet. There is no redeeming that poem.

Let's say she does finish it, and fixes it up, and yadda yadda. The intent and the idea is stupid to begin with, so how can the poem be any good? A good poem needs a good idea.

[Skade]

Bloopie, usually the only reason why I'd get myself involved in a flaming match would be if my opponent had any kind of actual wit. I'll have to make an exception in your case though, as someone is going to have to point out to you that the word "fuck" is clichéd.

I've really never read anything you've written before as I always assumed you were a troll. The fact that you have to spam someone else's thread about how YOU can WRITE makes you look rather desperate, and doesn't make me any more inclined to look up your work. Nor does the additional fact that you have an extremely infantile vocabulary. It might get your mom's attention when you say dirty words, but strangers will, at best, roll their eyes at you and move on. If you're really lucky you might meet someone on your own mental level some day, who might chuckle when you say things like "fuck" and "oral sex".

I have to admit that some of your responses in this thread did make me laugh though - I have this mental image of you snarling and drooling in rage as you furiously pound away at your keyboard and show us all how brutal you can be. Don't bother making any more replies though, prolonged arguing with someone underage or mentally disadvantaged isn't really my style. Then again, if you make another reply you get to feel like YOU WON. (I can't wait to see you fall for that bait)

Why should I listen to someone as uneducated as you, who approves of doggerel writing as if it has the qualifications to be even perused by even the most impressionable pissant. Your reductio ad absurdum, ad hominem, and otherwise numerous logical fallacies are not going to affect me, but perhaps someone less wise would find that you have presented a semi-intelligible argument.

I find that it's hilarious that you presume that a keystroke implies emotion. WATCH THIS i can type in ANYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy way I FUCKIGN WANT OGMSFDSKFDSJ...isn't that amazing? I guess being projecting your own insanity on me, must be the only way you can reason things out.

The only bait you've fallen for is a false persona; I assure you, that you know absolutely nothing about me, and it's going to be quite fun breaking you down to where you really belong. You've crossed a line, irrevocably so, and I cannot allow you to turn back on your initial postulation: that I have an infantile vocabulary; albeit, it's apparent that is indubitably incorrect.

The only person baited, was you.

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Originally Posted by Skade

Bloopie, usually the only reason why I'd get myself involved in a flaming match would be if my opponent had any kind of actual wit. I'll have to make an exception in your case though, as someone is going to have to point out to you that the word "fuck" is clichéd.

I've really never read anything you've written before as I always assumed you were a troll. The fact that you have to spam someone else's thread about how YOU can WRITE makes you look rather desperate, and doesn't make me any more inclined to look up your work. Nor does the additional fact that you have an extremely infantile vocabulary. It might get your mom's attention when you say dirty words, but strangers will, at best, roll their eyes at you and move on. If you're really lucky you might meet someone on your own mental level some day, who might chuckle when you say things like "fuck" and "oral sex".

I have to admit that some of your responses in this thread did make me laugh though - I have this mental image of you snarling and drooling in rage as you furiously pound away at your keyboard and show us all how brutal you can be. Don't bother making any more replies though, prolonged arguing with someone underage or mentally disadvantaged isn't really my style. Then again, if you make another reply you get to feel like YOU WON. (I can't wait to see you fall for that bait)

Chopin's Funeral March

A Ballad

Forgotten

Pendulum

If there's one thing that can be said about Bloopie, it's that he can write.

That's just the crappy stuff I wrote in metrics... I like my newer stuff better...like...

Gotta Work

[Gothic Piano]

Okay! Whoa! I wrote this poem without even revising it. I know it's shitty. Duh! But I will have to say that (1.) everything that I did was intended to have a meaning of some sort. YOU (I know this is hard) have to use your own imagination. (2.) yes, it not have an ending, but it's supposed to be like that. Does evil really go away, or is it just covered by the day? (3.) Vampires kissing is appropriate, but I will say that vampire doesn't despribe what I was trying to say.

Thank you all for the suggestions. I will take them all into consideration while revising.

SL

Your intention is completely lost. You need to clarify it, and perhaps find a different subject.

[Gothic Piano]

Originally Posted by Bloopie

Your intention is completely lost. You need to clarify it, and perhaps find a different subject.

Okay, I'll do that. Thanks.