A little help, please?

[Your Darkest Secret]

From the ages of 12 to 14 I was bullied so badly in school that I eventually had a nervous breakdown. It was hell. I had the absolute shit kicked out of me by ignorant dickheads day after day after day, just because I listened to The Sisters of Mercy instead of Akon or Green Day or whatever. I didn't even dress goth back then, I just loved the music. My belongings were stolen, my friends were turned against me - one girl was punched in the face just for talking to me - and once, a boy who I'd never even spoken to tried to set me on fire with a lighter and an aerosol can. (Thankfully, his aim was terrible, or even today I'd look like toast with a nose ring.)
After my breakdown my parents took me out of school. This was almost two years ago, and I've been home-schooled ever since. But I've lost my confidence. I won't even go to the shops on my own. Also, not long ago I broke my ankle in two places, which was my first serious injury, and which (thanks to my already 'timid' state) has given me 'a heightened sense of my own fragility' (doctor's words, not mine) thereby increasing my fear.
I want to regain my confidence and my independence. Please can you give me some advice on this?

[Drake Dun]

Step 1) Get away from any environmental factors that are likely to continue making things worse. In other words, get away from the original cause of the problem.

Step 2) Realize that having a problem doesn't make you evil or worthless. In other words, make sure you aren't bringing the problem around with you in your head.

Step 3) Beat back the demons one step at a time through real life action. Start with tiny things and work up. Go to a store once. Then try to turn it into a daily pattern. Then work out to real social interactions, etc.

That's what I would do, anyway. The problems sound bad enough that continued help from a counselor is in order too.

Drake

[Minyaliel]

I was harassed for years at school, and know how it feels, although the kids were more about mental rather than physical violence in my case (they knew I'd hit back). I, too, ended up as a mental and social wreck. Please don't give up. Tell yourself that you're going to show them. Not by going down onto their level, but by urpassing them in everything. That was what got me up where I am. Also, find yourself a good psychologist whom you feel you can connect to and who really understands you. I was lucky enough to have one available to me for free, paid by the commune, but I don't know if this is the case in England. Please be strong. It is going to work out, if you're willing to work on it, even when it gets tough. Stop for a while when you feel this is too much for you, have a break, then try again. Never give up. Ever. As for your social problems, one thing that helped me immensely, was to figure out my interest and join a group. In my case, I joined a choir, and was able to open up with time. If this is too much for you at the present, just joining a group of people you know somewhat and participating as either an active listener or actually participating in the chat and discussion itself is a great start and should be considered a triumph.

But the most important, which is worth repeating, is: contact a psychologist. There is no shame in going to one, I know a good many people who're what you'd consider normal folks who go there because it feels good to talk to someone about their feelings and their everyday life. Cherie, lift that chin of yours and go for it. The past might haunt you for a long time, but you can make it past, perhaps even turn it to something good, even though it might seem impossible or even unthinkable today. I was where you are now years ago. With some help I struggled out of it. It took years, and I still have trouble trusting and connecting to certain kinds of people, but I can live as a person instead of a scared animal. If you want to talk to me, you can find my contact info in my profile.

When I was 12-14, I got picked on too. But...I beat the shit out of them. Really badly.

My suggestion is to take fighting lessons, like Muay Thai, and Jujitsu. If you learn those two things, you will wreck just about anyone. Even Wing chun is all right for street-fighting.

Then when they come around, you can knee them in the face, shatter their skull, then roll them into a triangle choke and knock them the fuck out.

Just a suggestion. A psychologist is going to send you to a psych, and pump you up on drugs. What you need to be is a lion, not a sheep.

[MollyMac]

First of all, do what you can to remove yourself from the poisonous situation. But I do have to agree with Bloopie on the fighting lessons, although my faves were grappling and boxing, I think that the psychological as well as physical benefits of a more set martial art (something more passive, liek Aikido, maybe) would do wonders for you.

All the same, how are these kids in a position to do these things to you? Who is not paying attention?

Fighting lessons teach you a lot, plus it gives you confidence as indicated by Molly. You will feel better from doing it, and when someone DOES attack you, you can drop them. After you beat the ever living shit out of someone, no one comes after you again.

Trust me, the real tool in a fight is intimidation. I've won a lot of fights just scaring the shit out of the person by acting totally off my rocker, or explaining to them how I am going to dismember them once we got alone for the fight.

Just act totally bonkers...it also works.

And yeah...how is no one paying attention to these acts of douchebaggery?

[Drake Dun]

Originally Posted by Bloopie

What you need to be is a lion, not a sheep.

Here here. That one took me a fucking long time to figure out for myself, and you're lucky to get it in plain English from someone else. Weakness is not an ethic. Not a worthy one, anyway.

Fighting lessons do sound like a good idea.

Drake

[eternalcrimson]

Me and you had almost the same identical situation.

I was always bullied in school and one day when I was in the bathroom taking a shit somebody tried ignite lighter fluid to set the bathroom on fire.

First off I’m going to suggest that you read “Fearless Living” by Rhonda Britten. She specializes in people who have debilitating phobias and anxieties and if you find that book helpful she also did a book called “Change Your Life in 30 Days” which I found just as helpful.

I also find that just talking about my experience with people helpful. I also agree with the others that some sort of physical activity to be helpful as well (e.g. karate, kenpo, boxing, etc.) even beating your pillow helps to get all of your hurt and angst out if that's what you want to do. Also when you need to cry, I used hold in all of my emotions pretending that nothing hurt me and it ended leading me to my nervous breakdown.

As someone who has went through the same experience I know you won’t heal over night. I’m 30 and I’m just now getting over being bullied, molested, r a p e d and abused when I was younger. Take your time and don’t let anybody rush you.

If you need anybody to chat with or if you need emotional support my email address is

[email protected]

Originally Posted by Drake Dun

Here here. That one took me a fucking long time to figure out for myself, and you're lucky to get it in plain English from someone else. Weakness is not an ethic. Not a worthy one, anyway.

Fighting lessons do sound like a good idea.

Drake

My father used to tell me that.

[Your Darkest Secret]

Thanks for the advice, everybody. Much appreciated. *must remember, lion not sheep, lion not sheep...*

[MollyMac]

Well, you could be a carniverous sheep. It'd take some doing, though

Seriously, I am concerned that no one has noticed this happening to you. I got messed with when I was younger, but nothing like this. (Then again, I was bigger than most people my age). I cannot imagine your situation. I just hope that there is something you can do to improve it.

[Your Darkest Secret]

My school's anti-bullying policy just made things worse. It was the equivalent of a slap on the wrist. Except less effective.

[MollyMac]

The actions by these dolts is over-the-borderline misdemeanor aggrivation and possibly assault. Prosecute the snittiness out of them.

On the brightside of your situation-

Homeschool means you get a chance to educate yourself. Have at it.

Your parents obviously care. It sounds simple, but not everyone is so lucky.

As far as any more practical advice, I do recommend this small measure:

Ask yourself what you really want. Confidence, strength, a tootsie roll.

List them in priority.

Then ask yourself what are some workable means in small goals that you can utilise to acgieve them? And I say small goals, not large ones. Large ones feel better, but large goals are the end result of a series of small goals. Even the hardest calculus problem is a series of small steps.

Try self-competitive sports like martial arts, dance or yoga. You are competing with yourself, not anyone else. The atmospheres are more welcoming and less cliqueish than group/team sports. You build physical strength and confidence and also have some pre-set external goals (belts, performances, scorpion pose)... but you start to develop smaller goals (bette rstretches,...)

All the time, you are still in a social setting. Will people still be pissy? you bet. People will always have an assy quality. Their negativity towards you is simply something lacking in themselves. Leave them to wallow in their own issues, you know you have better things to do.

[KontanKarite]

*sigh*

Let me be the first to offer you a hug. I've been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

You sound like you have a lot of the same problems I do. One of the first things I read was that you need to remove the person from the things that ignite their phobias. Also, one step at a time, like everyone has said. You're going to have make things routine.

After a time, we all learn that there is a dividing line. As much as we wish others to never want violence on another person, not everyone is so benevolent. Find something in town where there is comradery(sp) for you.

And I know this is cheesy, but listen to Cruxshadows "Eye of the Storm" for something motivational. If you need to talk, I'm also here.

Bound_soul_reaper@h o t m a i l . com Look me up, I would always listen to what ever you need to get off your chest when I can and when I'm around.

*hugs* It will get better, you just have to regain some trust for mankind that I know is hard to do.

[Heatherzilla]

Counseling is a good thing, occasionally the counselors can get irritating but it does help. Just try to find one you can mostly get along with. Also dance, martial arts or weird as it might seem, drama. Drama is great if you are feeling stressed and it lets you vent your emotions. If you can find a nice small school it might help, I know it did for me, just learning to interact with people on a daily basis again. I don't think I've really helped but at least I tried. And hugs just coz you're awesome.

[GothPunkRock]

I'm in a similar situation, being nearly 15 and at high school, i often get tortured too, people are obsessed with trying to light my hair and make wrist slashing guestures at me whenever im around.
Fortunatly at weekends Im at my Dads in Alty, where almost everyone is cool and I have plenty of mates to support me, so I just have to bear it and wait for Friday.
So, I dont have much advise myself except hang in there, and like Heather suggests, do something to release your emotions and try to make some freinds who will help you through it. Form a band maybe?

Learn a martial art to the point of mastery level, and go into school and pummel the shit out of every bully imaginable. No mercy. Hit to destroy. Fight to kill.

Or give them lollipops.

[Kitten of the Catacomb]

Firstly: *HUGS TO ALL OF YOU* You poor souls. High schoolers are more immature than children, I've come to find, most unfortunately.

Secondly, I'm going have to disagree with WWWWWWWW up there. Hitting people will no doubt bring people to hit you back, only the pain will be three fold. Lollipops are also a bad idea because they can become projectile items. Dangerous at times.

I suggest talking, as we're all here to listen and help each other. Also, a routine isn't a bad idea. I think it wise to find someone you can walk around with to stores, someone you feel comfortable with, like a friend. Basically, everything that I wanted to say was already said. But I'm here to help, if need be. Just PM me, and I'll give you my email.

[Lapin]

Ooh, I remember when I was bullied.

Unfortunately for the unlucky bastards, I developed a nasty temper because of them. Word of (funny) advice: The first time you swing a baseball bat at one of your tormentor's head's, and make hard contact, the rest will fuck off very quickly. Not that I advise that course of action, ever. I could have really hurt the little idiot, and I might have felt guilty later. Or you know, aggravated because I was in juvie.

Thankfully, because I developed a sharp tongue as well, I was able to fight them off. I'm very sorry you never got that chance.

Now, listen:

If you feel nervous, just chant in your head: "I know they can't hurt me, because if they do, Lapin is going to get on a plane to England and take her Louisville Slugger with her. She's going to make me take her to the bastards, and then they're going to apolgize after she knocks the manners their mothers never gave them into their heads." I know, it won't really happen, but imagine some 5"5 stop-sign redhead beating them up for you. Good for a giggle at least.

*In case you English don't know, a Louisville Slugger is the best baseball bat in the world because it can knock in seventeen headlights and not get a scratch on it.

[Your Darkest Secret]

Originally Posted by Lapin

If you feel nervous, just chant in your head: "I know they can't hurt me, because if they do, Lapin is going to get on a plane to England and take her Louisville Slugger with her. She's going to make me take her to the bastards, and then they're going to apolgize after she knocks the manners their mothers never gave them into their heads."

Catchy. I like it.

Thanks again for the advice everybody.