MURDER SUICIDE (To my rapist)

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

If I fly into the sun.
Burn my life out, in some tragic way.
A life of quite sadness, and screaming rage.
Die in an instant, A blaze of glory.
I want to be known.
All my wounds to be shown.

MURDER SUICIDE!

I want to take your life, hear you scream and cry.
My bullets are to good for you,
They would be far to kind.

DIE DIE DIE!
You should die a gory death.
wanna to stab you till there’s nothing left.

MURDER SUICIDE!
I bet you wont think its funny anymore.
To make my heart ache,
my whole body sore .
Leave me bleeding on the floor.

You started this with the **** of a child.
My whole body defiled.
MURDER SUICIDE!
Now that’s a great Idea

MURDER SUICIDE!
You should die a gory death.
I wanna stab you till there’s nothing left.

[maggot]

You were *****, huh?

[HumanePain]

Wow, very intense but the reader is distracted by:

"My bullets are to good for you,
They would be far to kind."

Which should be:

"My bullets are too good for you,
They would be far too kind."

Changing that would leave the reader in the intensity you intended.
In my humble opinion.

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

Originally Posted by maggot

You were *****, huh?

more like Mol ested..

[Dancing_in_rain]

Awww...poor you. I'm sending over a hug.

[Vako]

There is a place in the Literature section for this sort of thing. It is called "Reincarnation of the Poetry thread".

As for your poem, it is pedestrian at best. Sounds like a teen moping in his/her room.
And I should add that I have also been R*A*P*E*D.

If you want to write poetry that will get people's attention, use the K.I.S.S. principle. (Keep It Simple, Stupid.)

Here is an example of how you could have expressed the same experience more efficiently, and reached a more diverse audience;

Down in the water
See the creatures swim around
Down in the water
A little boy was found
encased in concrete
The untimely tomb shall know no sound
Down in the water
The sociopath hid his kill
He chose to abuse his own free will
He will not be rewarded to walk the Earth again
For on his dying day, Nature will delete his soul.

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

Well I like my poem....

"Sounds like a teen moping in his/her room."

Well I am a teen. I dont know if im exactly "moping".
And i've been confined to my room for three weeks except for school...

I think you drink way to much HATERAID.

[Vyvian Blackthorne]

Good goth...I'm sorry you endured that molestation. I had a horrid violence sexual encounter when I was growing up...Guess I feel your pain...the only reason why I wrote 'I guess' is because I don't wanna sound like an arsehat who knows everything. Gee, but then again I've probably already done that....

Goth forever

[Vako]

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

Well I like my poem....

"Sounds like a teen moping in his/her room."

Well I am a teen. I dont know if im exactly "moping".
And i've been confined to my room for three weeks except for school...

I think you drink way to much HATERAID.

As a teen, you will need to learn how to take constructive criticism. You put your work on a public site and left it open to criticism. I gave my honest response. Part of growing up is learning how not to be hyper-reactionary and unnecessarily defensive when a person offers (whether unsolicited or not) a critique of your work.

And what the fuck is a "HATERAID" ???

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

Vyv I've never seen you be an arsehat.. you've always seemed Great to me.....*Kisses!




Vako How do you not know what HATERAID is ???!!??
If some one is being a hater you say they need to chill back on how much HATERAID they drink. Its Like Gatorade. Its what HATERS drink . It makes you a bigger hater hence spelling it with aid in stead of ade.


was I hyper-reactionary ? I don’t get much CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. So I guess maybe I am a little defensive. Sorry if I came off over sensitive. Although you did tell me to "Keep It Simple Stupid". And you posted a poem that I guess you think is better than mine? “pedestrian at best”, what the hell does that mean?


Do you guys think my Writing is at least getting better?

[Vako]

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

Vyv I've never seen you be an arsehat.. you've always seemed Great to me.....*Kisses!




Vako How do you not know what HATERAID is ???!!??
If some one is being a hater you say they need to chill back on how much HATERAID they drink. Its Like Gatorade. Its what HATERS drink . It makes you a bigger hater hence spelling it with aid in stead of ade.


was I hyper-reactionary ? I don’t get much CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. So I guess maybe I am a little defensive. Sorry if I came off over sensitive. Although you did tell me to "Keep It Simple Stupid". And you posted a poem that I guess you think is better than mine? “pedestrian at best”, what the hell does that mean?


Do you guys think my Writing is at least getting better?

I see I will have to hold your hand through this one. You just made the same mistake twice. The K.I.S.S. principle is a well known saying that people use. The word "stupid" is part if it. No one was calling you stupid. And my purpose was not to suggest that my poem was better than yours, but to give an illustrative example of how to be concise when expressing an experience through poetry.

If this is how you interact with your parents, no wonder they have you cordoned to your room. I would do the same. Learn to take CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and stop acting like an idiot.

Keep working on your writing. It needs work.

[Lucretia_my_Reflection]

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

more like Mol ested..

im very sorry this happened to you, my farther is an Abusive Pedifile, so i understand where your coming from, if you ever need someone to talk to im here i have seen and been through almost everything. Beautiful deep poetry btw.

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

* Smacks self with a can of Anti-idiot
Still can I get a definition on what you mean by pedestrian?

“expressing an experience through poetry.”
I thought I did express it I mean the poems is what I felt…hate, sadness, like screaming, dead, suicidal, just plain efffffing loud uncontrollable psychotic confusing rage.




Actually no I don’t interact with my mom “like this” all I say to her is yes ma’am/no ma’am and maybe the occasional mindless “how was your day” , could you sign this permission slip? etc. If we talk all hell breaks loose and we end up wishing death on each other.

And I happen to be confined to my room because she heard me talking on the phone and I told the person on the other line “ the only reason I go to school is to get away from her, she never stops yelling about nothing. Now I just tune out when she talks. ”
When I’m off the phone and I come down stairs she says :
HER:“ What the hell is wrong with you, you go to school to get away from me? Why do you act like such a bitch?
ME: “ I guess being a bitch is hereditary?”
HER: “You need therapy to deal with your issues, cuz I don’t need this!”
Me: “yeah and I do ? This is exactly why I don’t talk to you! I’m ain’t going to no therapy , you should go!”
HER: “ Your going to no matter what! Go to bed, as a matter a fact you don’t deserve a bed sleep on the fucking floor.” Then under her breath she calls me a cunt.

So I went up stairs glad to be done talking to her and I went to sleep on the bed. The next day she told me I wasn’t to talk to her or leave my room except for school.

And now its 3 weeks later and she hasn’t sent me to therapy she never will because it cost to much money.
Right now she’s at her friends house or something.

And im wondering why this is the only place where people say that my poetry Is just out write bad.

[MollyMac]

Pedestrian is a way of saying something is common, expected and over used. It also refers to things that are not self propelled.

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

Murder and suicide are expected?? I guess I should go meet those expectations.

[Tin_Lizzie]

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

Actually no I don’t interact with my mom “like this,” all I say to her is yes ma’am/no ma’am and maybe the occasional mindless “how was your day,” could you sign this permission slip? etc. If we talk all hell breaks loose and we end up wishing death on each other.

And I happen to be confined to my room because she heard me talking on the phone and I told the person on the other line “ the only reason I go to school is to get away from her, she never stops yelling about nothing. Now I just tune out when she talks.” When I’m off the phone and I come down stairs she says:
HER:“ What the hell is wrong with you, you go to school to get away from me? Why do you act like such a bitch?
ME: “ I guess being a bitch is hereditary?”
HER: “You need therapy to deal with your issues, cuz I don’t need this!”
Me: “yeah and I do ? This is exactly why I don’t talk to you! I ain’t going to no therapy, you should go!”
HER: “ You're going to, no matter what! Go to bed, as a matter a fact you don’t deserve a bed, sleep on the fucking floor.” Then under her breath she calls me a cunt.

So I went up stairs glad to be done talking to her and I went to sleep on the bed. The next day she told me I wasn’t to talk to her or leave my room except for school.

And now it's 3 weeks later and she hasn’t sent me to therapy she never will because it cost to much money. Right now she’s at her friends house or something.

This is excellent. Seething with dramatic tension. Go with the flow. I suggest you start with this and write a short story, which I'll be happy to critique.

[MollyMac]

Oh, please.

They are not expected in real life, they are expected in poetry of those with a certain mindset (young, upset, need to lash out, writing for attention, you name it.) Murder and suicide are common themes. Read more work in the poetry thread. All people really write about are the people that hurt them, why they cut, and who should die.

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

Originally Posted by Tin_Lizzie

This is excellent. Seething with dramatic tension. Go with the flow. I suggest you start with this and write a short story, which I'll be happy to critique.

Yeah I think I will make it into a story...