I don't know if I can take this much longer.

[Minyaliel]

This is hard for me to write, and I hate to have to post this on the internet, but I feel that I have no one else to go to. I'm in desperate need for help - or just a hug.

I'm at the end of my nerves. I live together with my mother and brother. My mother has been all I've had ever since I was born; my biological father probably just wants to forget about me. He never cared anyway. The years went by, my mother married a psychopath and only after more than ten years of hell divorced him. He is still haunting us. But this post isn't going to be about either of these two men. It's only some rather relevant background information. This post is about my mother. In the last years of her marriage and during the last few years during and after the divorce, she changed drastically from the gentle caring and supporting mother I knew to a cold and cruel bitch. It has now come to a point where she treats me like an animal which has done something so horribly wrong that it's doomed to eternal punishment. But then, there are these few evenings when she turns into her old self again, telling jokes and stories from my childhood, telling me how much she loves me. And the next day she's bound to come home from work and shout at me for resting on the couch with my laptop on my belly being exhausted after a long day of rehearsals for my final practical exam. I'm not allowed to stay in the family's living room when she's home, unless I'm watching TV. I'm not allowed to practise my music when I get home after school, which is the only time I'm actually able to do so. She confines me to my room, a small nook of the apartment which is so little that I can easily pick up something from my desk when sitting on my bed (which is located at the opposite wall). And when I complain, and ask her why, she calls me ungrateful and tells me to "stop picking fights with me, or you can get the hell out of here".

I wish I could do just that. I wish I could just move, change my name and never have to speak with her ever again. But I don't have any money, I can't find a job, and so I'm imprisoned in this living hell. I don't know what to do... I can't take this much longer, or I'll go insane. And the worst thing is, I can't talk to her; I can't tell her all of this that I've written to you guys because she's only going to start screaming at me again. What am I going to do... *tries to wipe away tears in vain*

[Underwater Ophelia]

Maybe she's just under more stress; a rough financial patch?
Could it be she's taking drugs? I really don't know.
It's a shame, though. I hope there's a way you can make things work.

[Dancing_in_rain]

Poor sweetling. I'm sending over huge cyber-hugs because you sound like you really need them. I recenlty had a lot of trouble with a friend of mine who has trouble controlling herself if I tell her that I want her to stop being so critical. ANyways, I wrote out a long long long rant for myself and printed it out. Then I sort of "dropped" it in front of her locker one day. The next day, she apologised for being such a b*tch. She said she had found the document and had no idea I was so annoyed about it. I'm not saying this will work, because maybe it won't, but it may be worth a try.
Otherwise, just grin and bear it. So as little as possible to aggravate her and then slowly, when she's in a good mood, change your behaviour slightly, a bit at a time. That way, maybe she'll adapt to the change as it happens.

Those pieces of advice may not help, but I hope your situation will get better. *big hug*

[Lapin]

My mother did this for awhile too, after she "found God". She got really scary religious. It got on my last nerve. Then, thanks to the army, we moved away from the church that had sucked her up, and she became her old self again. Her tattooed, pierced, motorcycle-loving, diversity-loving self.

I hope your Mum morphs back.

[KontanKarite]

Sounds like your mother may be going through some rough financial problems or maybe she's gone mentally ill. It almost sounds like she's bipolar. My dad was the same way. She might have to seek help, seriously.

[Saddiction]

Perhaps she has some kind of PTSD. You mentioned that she married a psychopath. That could have alot of baring on a persons mental well-being. I'd say it's definately stress related.

[Senor_Sadomachism]

Go talk to a psychiatrist... isn't that what they're for? Poor guy, hope you work things out. Don't forget that here we love you this much (..........)
Just respond *I love you too*

[Renatus]

I know how you feel, my parents constantly threaten to call the police on me if I speak up anymore. Fortunatly I found out that they could never get rid of me for good, the state doesn't want me. Check with somone who knows your local laws. That way she won't be able to threaten you if you try and confront her about the problem.

As for you, just keep going, keep walking on nothing lasts forever, not even pain. Make an anti suicide pact with somone you care about who is going through the same thing perhaps, it has worked for me. How it works is if one person kills themself the other must do so, but it must be somone you are very close to so neither of you will want the other one dead. It may or may not help but it works for me.

Also I've noticed that this time of the year seems to be a bad time of the year for most people.

[maggot]

Could you stay with a friend?

[Vyvian Blackthorne]

Gosh, Min, I'm sorry *pats on the shoulder as she wipes her dreaded tears, then gives comforting hug* well, I wish I could say what you could do-maybe staying with a friend or family member. I'm sure It's a living hell living with somone who lacks care.

Goth Forever

[Breathless Horror]

It makes me really sad to hear of someone in such pain. I would agree with maggot's advice. Is there anyone else you can stay with, who won't tyranize you? Other than that, I can only send my support and care. If you ever need someone to talk to, add me on msn or send me an e-mail, it's in my profile. *Gives big hug and brotherly kiss on the cheek* Keep your chin up babe, we're here for you.

[Kitten of the Catacomb]

*HUG* Your mother is just under a lot of stress from work, and I think that stress, and the stress of the last ten or so years have affected her mental stability. I suggest getting one of your family members or family friends to talk to her and recommend her a psychologist. Just be patient, and try to do little things for her, such as doing the dishes, vacuuming, cleaning your room on a daily basis, so she doesn't have any reason to nag you. Try to make her happy. Perhaps make her dinner some nights. Find a way to destress her, if possible. Just have patience....*hug*

[Aaroneet]

I actually have a friend who lived with a mentally ill mother. I would, like many others have said, try not to upset your mother. Follow her rules with a nonchalant nod; when someone is on that mental edge, the last thing they need is more agitation.

[Cyntrox]

*hug*
I hope things works out...

[james"bloody tears"]

i kinda know how you feel. my real dad apandoned me, and my step dad was never a real parent he was either to drunk, stoned, or not there. my mom has never really cared for any one but her self. they stepped in two years ago and tried to raise me but by then it was waaaay to late. im sorry i hope things get better for you

[Minyaliel]

Thanks so much, all of you, I can't say how grateful I am for all your kind words and advice. I love you guys! I'm stuck here, unfortunately, as all my good friends have moved to other cities to attend universities there, and all my relatives either hate me or live just around the corner, but it is still a comfort to know that I'm not the only one with problems like these, and that there are some people out there who care. I'll manage somehow. An old friend of my mother's comes to visit us and stay for two weeks in the end of this month, and I'll be sure to talk to her about my concerns and ask if she could perhaps talk to my mother about it for me. I've joined an online support group now where I'll be able to talk to people with problems like mine, and I hope that this is also going to be of some help. I only have to wait until next August, when I'm moving to a boarding school type of institution to study. It still seems far too long till 21 August, when school starts, but somehow I'll manage, I just have to. As of now, something tells me I won't be spending much time at home any more... even staying at school until closing time sounds preferable to this.

[JuliaSeizure]

This sounds all too familiar to me, and I send you so much healing energy dear.

I grew up with a Mother who acted the exact same way. Some days she could be your best friend, but most days we sheer hell and I spent a lot of time in my room: sometimes my own choosing, but most times because I wasn't allowed to do anything or go anywhere. A lot of my youth, I would say at least 80% of it, was spent under her grounds for punishment.
I won't say I was the perfect kid and I am quite certain that I warranted someof those punishments, but honestly a lot of them were just her way of showing me who was in control.

her marriage to my father was not peaches n' cream. Far from it actually. My Dad did not spend a lot of time at home but was never abusive. When he was home, my Mother would harp on him about anything and everything which is why I suspect he avoided coming home.

It wasn't until I moved out thather and I were actually to have a relationship of any kind, but even that was bittersweet because if I wasn't doing what SHE wanted me to do, then she would shut me out.

I thought that her divorce fom my Father would change things but it didn't. She is a miserable lonely woman but she'd brought this on herself. She chooses to blame ME for all of her misfortunes. I suppose had I not been born, her life could have been different but it wasn't my choice to come into this world. Not my problem!

I believe she is bi-polar, to be honest but she refuses to see a doctor. Hell, she hasn't even gone for a physical exam in over 10 years. I believe she is afraid of what he might tell her.

We haven't talked in over a year. When I actually did talk to her last, she insisted on picking me apart and reminding me of all of my wrong-doings when I was a kid, like she's caught up in some hellacious time warp. I am nearly 38 years old now!

I think it's best that you understand that your mother might be suffering from depression. It sounds so similar to my own mother. It sounds similar to what I myself went through in my late twenties. It's hard to live with though but if you gain some kind of knowledge that she herself might not be able to control these outbursts, then it will make it a little easier for you to avoid sparking them. And the littlest, most meaningless things can trigger an attack.

Best wishes, doll!

[Valerius]

I can't say much, but I will say we love you!

[Tara Poison]

I'm not good at the whole advice thing but I want to say I hope things will work out for you and add to the hugs. Just stick it out - it sounds like you've got alot of friends backing you up here. It might not be ok now but it will be.

[Minyaliel]

*feels loved* I don't know what to say - thank you...

[prophecyofdoom]

Stress can wreak a terrible change on some people......just remember how your mother used to be, and that that person is still in there somewhere. Hang in there kid, things will change, for both of you.

[Vyvian Blackthorne]

Originally Posted by Minyaliel

*feels loved* I don't know what to say - thank you...

Great! Well, you should feel loved =) Because we love you, Min.

Goth Forever