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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
05-27-2007, 06:44 PM
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#1
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 232
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Another Poem
The girl
Unseen is a girl
Unheard is her voice
Unhappy is her feelings
Untouched is her heart
Unloved is the reason shes gone
You may think that someone loves you
Some where in the world
All that stuff is made up of junk
Unseen is a girl
Unheard is her voice
Unhappy is her feelings
Untouched is her heart
Unloved is the reason she's dead
All could have been prevented
By that one special guy
So now shes resting in so called peace
Unseen is a girl
Unheard is her voice
Unhappy is her feelings
Untouched is her heart
Unloved is the reason she's hiding from the world
Regretting all she had done
Wondering why no one cared
Now shes hurt with in the heavens
Unseen is a girl
Unheard is her voice
Unhappy is her feelings
Untouched is her heart
Unloved is the reason she is haunted
She had only need one person
But that didn't happen
To bad she didn't see all who loved her
Unseen is a girl
Unheard is her voice
Unhappy is her feelings
Untouched is her heart
Unloved is the feeling of forever hurt
__________________
"The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy" -Jim Rohn
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" -Ernest Hemingway
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough" -Joe Lewis
"Insanity: a perfect rational adjustment to an insane world" - R.D. Lang
"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J. Lec
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
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05-27-2007, 06:51 PM
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#2
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 232
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Also more poems on my website. www.freewebs.com/firegoth
__________________
"The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy" -Jim Rohn
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" -Ernest Hemingway
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough" -Joe Lewis
"Insanity: a perfect rational adjustment to an insane world" - R.D. Lang
"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J. Lec
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
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06-06-2007, 05:58 AM
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#3
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 3,206
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Very melodic, however, the word "junk" should be replaced with one that's either more dramatic or more elaborate.
__________________
"Live for today, but know that tomorrow always comes- even if not for you."-MollyMac
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06-06-2007, 06:09 AM
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#4
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 794
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Beautiful poem, IMHO. The excessive spaces are unnecessary.
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06-06-2007, 03:28 PM
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#5
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 232
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I deleted them I though, opps and I don't know what to replace junk with.
__________________
"The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy" -Jim Rohn
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" -Ernest Hemingway
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough" -Joe Lewis
"Insanity: a perfect rational adjustment to an insane world" - R.D. Lang
"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J. Lec
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
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06-06-2007, 03:39 PM
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#6
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 3,206
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You would have to change the the line entirely. I don't want to put words into your mouth, but try this on for size:
"All of that stuff seems but nothing to her".
__________________
"Live for today, but know that tomorrow always comes- even if not for you."-MollyMac
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06-06-2007, 03:41 PM
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#7
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 232
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All that stuff is truly nothing?
__________________
"The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy" -Jim Rohn
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" -Ernest Hemingway
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough" -Joe Lewis
"Insanity: a perfect rational adjustment to an insane world" - R.D. Lang
"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J. Lec
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
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06-06-2007, 06:02 PM
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#8
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 3,206
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Just leave the line as is. I shouldn't be messing with other peoples' work.
__________________
"Live for today, but know that tomorrow always comes- even if not for you."-MollyMac
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06-06-2007, 06:03 PM
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#9
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 232
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Aw no your write I new before it didn't sound right but hearing what someoe else said helps alot with think of a new line for it.
__________________
"The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy" -Jim Rohn
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" -Ernest Hemingway
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough" -Joe Lewis
"Insanity: a perfect rational adjustment to an insane world" - R.D. Lang
"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J. Lec
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
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06-07-2007, 10:58 AM
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#10
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 3,206
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Then I will recommend this line: "All this stuff seems nothing to her."
It alters the connotation slightly, but I think that when you have a line like that, you have to make it an attention-catcher. "Junk" didn't do it for me.
__________________
"Live for today, but know that tomorrow always comes- even if not for you."-MollyMac
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06-07-2007, 03:27 PM
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#11
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 232
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Ok. But I think I'm going to do the one I said above it more of something that sounds me but thanks very much for pointing that out to me.
__________________
"The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy" -Jim Rohn
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" -Ernest Hemingway
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough" -Joe Lewis
"Insanity: a perfect rational adjustment to an insane world" - R.D. Lang
"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J. Lec
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
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06-07-2007, 07:29 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Aaroneet
Just leave the line as is. I shouldn't be messing with other peoples' work.
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I have wondered about this lately. There are times when someone posts a poem or story, and I offer constructive criticism, with an alternate version, you know, with an added or changed word here and there. What is the protocol or etiquette about "messing" with other's writing in terms of offering feedback?
I assumed that feedback was expected if posted publicly, but maybe not? O_o
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06-07-2007, 07:30 PM
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#13
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 232
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I agree I put it on here for peoples ideas and critismism, usually when i show it to friends or something they say it's ok but they could be just saying it cause there my friend.
__________________
"The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy" -Jim Rohn
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" -Ernest Hemingway
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough" -Joe Lewis
"Insanity: a perfect rational adjustment to an insane world" - R.D. Lang
"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J. Lec
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
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