I wish I could capture the moon

[Wormboy]

I wish I could capture the moon

I wish I could capture the moon,

Not its color, not its shape,

But the effect it has on our souls,

What is it about the moon,

why does its rays affect us?

Why are our souls quieted when we see it,

Our problems aren't so bad when drenched in moonlight,

When we stare at it, we become tranquil,

And we feel at peace,

The moon gives us courage of soul,

It gives us hope, it tells us what we want to know,

As long as there has been a moon to look at,

We've looked at it, and felt the same way,

All our hills seem a little smaller,

All our triumphs are a little taller,

The miles we have to walk don't seem as far,

And we appreciate who we really are,

That large rock in the sky,

Through science so dull and plain,

Has such profound efffects on our souls,

It never ceases to amaze me,

It fascinates me, and even though it is just a rock,

Even though all it really does is dictate the tides of water,

Even though it's light belongs to the sun,

Even though science tells us it's nothing special,

I can honestly say that I love it,

As I always have, as I always will

I wish I could capture the moon

[Apathy's_Child]

I don't really like it. For one thing, it's too long. It rambles and the only point is that you like the moon, you could do that it six or seven lines without sacrificing focus in favour of verbosity. It's also stuffed with cliche and presumptions that it affects everyone like it does you. I would change "us" and "our" to "my" and "mine" whenever they appear.

Anyway hopefully you won't take it personally... I assume you posted it for comments and constructive criticism which I've tried to give.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Yeah, this isn't so good. It just spells everything out. Show, don't tell.

[Wormboy]

Again, didn't write it for anyone but myself, just thought maybe other people might like to read it, wasn't looking for criticism, if i was, i would tell you

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Wormboy

Again, didn't write it for anyone but myself, just thought maybe other people might like to read it, wasn't looking for criticism, if i was, i would tell you

If you post it in a public place, people are going to criticize it.

[Wormboy]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

If you post it in a public place, people are going to criticize it.

duh but people keep implying i ask for it

[Apathy's_Child]

No, that's just what's done around here. People want to improve and the way to do that is to listen to criticism, no one's saying you have to take on board everything that's said to you but if you listen to what's said you may find yourself improving. If you don't want to listen it's your call, but the fact that you wrote it for yourself won't change the fact that sometimes people won't like your stuff. As Underwater Ophelia said if you post in a public place people are going to let you know what they think.

[Wormboy]

That much I accept, criticize away, just don't tell me I asked for it

[Apathy's_Child]

Never did.

Regardless, good luck. It's always good to see people writing. Literature is way undervalued nowadays. I'm people give a shit enough to want to create.

Anyway as I said, it's all opinion. If you disagree don't listen. The world would have missed out if everyone whose stuff was badly reviewed took the criticisms to heart.

[Wormboy]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

Regardless, good luck. It's always good to see people writing. Literature is way undervalued nowadays. I'm people give a shit enough to want to create.

cheers to that

[Apathy's_Child]

[insert "glad"]

You're welcome.

[Smile]

It's thoughtful, but it seems like it's more of something you'd write in your Hello Kitty diary. No offence, though, but your poem needs to have more layers. Something that would make people ponder over it more than once. The ideas are good, but the writing should be more subtle yet profound. I agree with Underwater Ophelia, "Show, don't tell.".