Almost 18 years

[Renatus]

The government says that after 18 years a child has full matured into an adult and is ready to go out on their own. The government also says that after 18 years a child in a juvinile mental health unit is ready to move into the adult portion of the mental health facility. These two options are what I have to choose from in less than 3 months. I either stay where I am and go insane from following my feelings that will drive me past a point for which there is no hope, or I leave my life behind and run off up north and never look back. For 17 years I've witnessed constant argments and sometimes physical fights that are fit not for man but for two male animals fighting it out during mating season. I can't find peace anymore, can't find silence, not even in sleep. I know I'm already partialy insane as it is, people everywhere have trouble understanding me. I spent 30mins to an hour two weeks ago ranting out one word endlessly. I did a health evaluation (mental social emotional physical and spiritual) of myself for one of my classes and ended up having to hide it. I sometimes catch myself thinking of the possibility of slaughtering real people and finding peace in it. I'm afraid that if I stick around here who knows how much blood will be on my hands not just counting my own. I'm afraid the problems in my life will soon if not already my fault. Like I've absorbed all the negative energy of my childhood and am now radiating it to an almost lethal level. It's not a good thing when the only thing a person has to fear is themself. I don't want to be insane, I don't like the thought of being pitied by everyone. I'm tired as it is with how much people pity me. I never wanted this I used to have dreams of being a train conductor. I used to have dreams, now I just have nightmare after nightmare. Worst part is they've started comming true. Everywhere around me is another reminder of what a freak I've become. I'm just soo tired. I can't truely feel anything anymore, because when I do on rare occasions feel anything I end up hating myself for it. I'm a walking joke. I hear my name being used as an example of what bad little boys and girls will become if they don't behave. I do't even know if the possibility of killing myself is open without me having to kill somone else first. I don't want to go back to the mental hospital, trapped strapped and tied in with my own mind. That is really all that they leave you to in there is your own mind. That is why I have to get away, from my life my past and myself. I don't even know why I posted this here, have I devolved to such a primitive level that I must do such a thing. I don't really know what to do. Through the advice of somone close to me I've tried to change myself but the world around me keeps pounding it into me. Or am I really even trying is it all just me, maybe it's all just one of those good ole figment of my imagination things. Maybe none of this is real, maybe really every thought in my head isn't real like the matrix. I'm sorry I shouldn't post this here but somehow I feel I must. Maybe once I press submit it will all look rediculous to me and I'll cure myself somehow. I have 5 mins to decided if I want to delete this, 5 mins before this whole train of thought will become a solid fact rather than just the word of my own mouth to myself.

[Romantic Raven]

I'm really sorry to hear this, Renatus. Only you can decide whether it's better to stay in a mental health facility or continue your life in the real world, but after reading your post I'd suggest the second option. Maybe it would be better to leave it all behind and start anew, because, although the real world can be really harsh sometimes, at least you won't be have to put up with the problems you're facing now. A change of scenery would be good for you, and it might work as a cure. Anyway, whatever your decision may be, I wish you good luck.

[Drake Dun]

My instinct is to agree with Raven. You might be better off making a go of it in the wider world.

I'm saying this based on the assumption that you have been in the mental health facility for some time. If you've only been there a short time, I guess you could just be going through a rough phase and eventually the place will work out for you... but if they've been trying to make you better for an extended period of time, and you've gotten worse instead of better, it's probably time to move on.

Anyway, the truth is you've already decided to leave, and you basically came here for confirmation. Let your commitment follow your judgment.

The essence of my response is above. Since I am a terrible windbag who always writes long posts, I wanted to comment on a couple of things you said, too. Skip the rest if you want.

Some of these comments are to the effect that maybe stuff isn't as crazy as you think. One thing I've dealt with a bit in terms of my own (relatively less extreme) depression is making things worse myself. Everytime I thought to myself that I might be making things worse, I countered myself with a thought like "No, I have real reasons to feel this way." It took me a long time to figure out that I did have real reasons to feel that way, *and* I was *also* making it worse than it needed to be. The point of this spiel being, the following is supposed to be comforting - not my way of pretending you don't have real problems.

Originally Posted by Renatus

I know I'm already partialy insane as it is, people everywhere have trouble understanding me.

I think that makes you unusual, more than insane. You may or may not also be insane, but you don't need to sweat this particular experience.

I did a health evaluation (mental social emotional physical and spiritual) of myself for one of my classes and ended up having to hide it.

If it's a psychology class, I recommend you get the hell out. I feel very strongly that people with mental health problems belong nowhere near those classes. They make things worse, not better. And sometimes the fact that you can't tell somebody something is more because of a shortcoming on their part than because of a failure on your part.

I sometimes catch myself thinking of the possibility of slaughtering real people and finding peace in it.

Okay, this is key. That *is* a problem, but it is a normal human problem. You're going to make yourself really miserable if you beat yourself up over it. The way to deal with it is to get at its causes, not to read it as proof that you are insane and evil. Suffering can turn you or anybody else mean. So attack the suffering, and not yourself.

I don't want to be insane, I don't like the thought of being pitied by everyone. I'm tired as it is with how much people pity me... Everywhere around me is another reminder of what a freak I've become.

This might sound silly, but fuck it. That's the type of stuff that goes away surprisingly fast once you get yourself straightened out. And anyway, it's just people being people. And if they really won't let it go, you can always go find other people.

I don't even know why I posted this here, have I devolved to such a primitive level that I must do such a thing. I don't really know what to do... I'm sorry I shouldn't post this here but somehow I feel I must.

There's nothing to feel guilty about. You posted it here because you wanted to express and be heard, and if at all possible to hear something helpful. You've been successful on the first two counts (no promises on the third count). It was a meaningful exchange, and no harm to anybody. If anybody here digs up some reason to bitch about it, it'll be a stupid reason. But I don't think they will, anyway.

Through the advice of somone close to me I've tried to change myself but the world around me keeps pounding it into me. Or am I really even trying is it all just me, maybe it's all just one of those good ole figment of my imagination things. Maybe none of this is real, maybe really every thought in my head isn't real like the matrix.

You have got to keep trying, dude. Not because you have a duty or something like that, but because that's what it means to be alive. This is real. If you think about it, even the matrix was real, in the more important sense. The experiences the people had inside it were based on a computerized physics engine instead of a real world physics, but they were still experiences. They were still interacting with each other and living their lives.

That's life, and it's what you are doing right now, regardless of whether you're a dream in the fancy of some cosmic butterfly, a computer rendering, or a cluster of atoms. Don't feel bad about bending your energies toward it.

Drake

[HumanePain]

Renatus,

If you stay in the hospital after 18, it will be through a legal procedure called conservatorship, where you will lose your adult rights. It is best to get out now into the real world because then you can seal off your public record as a minor, getting a fresh start under the eyes of Big Brother, and starting with a clean slate is a liberating and peaceful feeling in itself.

I have followed the lives of kids from 5 years to adulthood and beyond who have been poorly processed through an overloaded system, and you have nothing to gain but assaults by other patients, poverty and being told what to do by others for the remainder of your life. Get out now while you can. Yes, it will be rough in the world, I will not lie to you, it isn't easy, but in comparison to what life on the inside will offer, you will be far happier and at peace.

Message me when I am online and I will be happy to talk to you about it.
HumanePain@ H O T M A I L . C O M on messenger or HumanePain on AIM.

I hope you read my advice before you make your choice.

[LadyLucretia]

Originally Posted by Renatus

I know I'm already partialy insane as it is, people everywhere have trouble understanding me. I spent 30mins to an hour two weeks ago ranting out one word endlessly.

I sometimes catch myself thinking of the possibility of slaughtering real people and finding peace in it. I'm afraid that if I stick around here who knows how much blood will be on my hands not just counting my own.

It's not a good thing when the only thing a person has to fear is themself.

I can't truely feel anything anymore, because when I do on rare occasions feel anything I end up hating myself for it.

I do't even know if the possibility of killing myself is open without me having to kill somone else first.

Honestly, based on these statements I have concern for your safety and the safety of others if you leave the mental health hospital. However, having worked in a public mental health hospital, I know how complicated individual cases can be, and don't think any of us really have enough information to make an informed recommendation. I think this is more a matter to discuss with your treatment team. What sort of outpatient services do they offer? Would you be able to live in a group home with psychological services? Do they offer job training and placement, and assistance getting disability services? It sounds like you're still working on your self-concept and coping skills and would need a lot of support. You can change your scenery, but it won't change you. Whatever you do, just make sure it's an informed decision and that you remain open to getting help.

[LadyLucretia]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

I have followed the lives of kids from 5 years to adulthood and beyond who have been poorly processed through an overloaded system, and you have nothing to gain but assaults by other patients, poverty and being told what to do by others for the remainder of your life. .

Do you work in research?

I worked with people who'd been in the public mental health system for anywhere from 5 to 50 years, and I learned two things: there aren't often adequate resources out there, but things have definitely improved in the past 3 decades. Though the public mental health system is flawed (at least in MA), the alternative - releasing people and leaving it to them to get private treatment - is certainly not viable either. I've seen schizophrenics who were involuntarily committed after being noncompliant with meds and not bathing and barely eating for 6 months or more, and they definitely had more to gain by being hospitalized.

[HumanePain]

No, I do not work in the field nor am I a professional, and I completely agree that young people who are diagnosed as schizophrenic should remain in the system as opposed to being left to their own, limited and unguided resources. I work in charity and this is where I see what I am reporting in these posts.

Renatus seemed lucid enough, that he may fit the category of patients who through past circumstances may not have been needed to be put in the system in the first place. There are a significant number of young patients who are doing worse in conservatorship than in families or otherwise on their own, and are there only because they were minors and had incompetent parents who did not want to invest any more time in raising them.