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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

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Old 11-27-2007, 02:42 AM   #1
Post Modern Girl
 
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Derry , Ireland
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My work

"Upon the scars of her twisted soul,
She cries for the love she lost,
And wanders through the life she stole,
Without a father, without a cost."


I like to keep it short.
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Old 11-29-2007, 09:19 AM   #2
CyberTiger
 
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I get a vamprish feeling from this.
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Old 11-29-2007, 10:09 AM   #3
StasisInDarkness
 
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I don't know, I'm not a big fan of rhyme-scheme (it always feels a bit contrived to me), but you've handled it fairly well, I suppose.
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Old 11-29-2007, 02:56 PM   #4
gothicusmaximus
 
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All right, what I'm going to write now will sound mean, but please don't be offended. I find that trying to be nice when I offering criticism compromises my ability to render that criticism effectively.

This is not a poem. What you've written looks like a poem and reads like a poem, but it's not a poem. It's a gothy hallmark card.
Poetry, above all else, must on some level compare, it must demonstrate layers of meaning and finesse in use of figurative language. This only operates on one level, and that level is the surface, the level which entails the literal denotations of the words employed and the most superficial significance of the order in which they're organized.
On top of this, it's woefully cliche. A four line poem demands such great economy of language on the part of the author that you can't waste a line on "She cries for the love she lost", the audience is so desensitized to every abused word in that sentence that you've basically said nothing.
Try rewriting this poem without using the words heart, love, hate, life, death, soul, or brain. It'll force you to be more innovative and, hopefully, poetic.
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