Happy Birthday. [Poem]

[MirrorsAndMonoxide]

Murder for the birthday boy
I'll do what I can
Anything you ask of me
I'm here until the end

Plot your kills
I'll follow them through
Plan your thrills
It's all for you

Cause you're my world
You are my life
Everything I have
To survive this strife

Murder for the birthday boy
I'll do what I can
Anything you ask of me
I'm here until the end

And when you feel
You'll lose control
I'll be right here
To keep you whole

How's your halo doing?
Is it still shining bright?
Of course you know I'm still here
But not for every night

Cause I murdered for the birthday boy
I did what I could
Everything he asked of me
I did what I said I would

I murdered myself for the birthday boy
The love I never knew
Everything I did was all for him
And now my life is through

Written by MirrorsAndMonoxide AKA Scarlet AKA Me

[Breathless Horror]

Delightfully dark. Harry likes very much. *thumbs up*

[MirrorsAndMonoxide]

Thankyah!!

[badteccy]

Oh man, that sucked.

[MirrorsAndMonoxide]

Bahah. How so?

[Kanedawg]

I thought it was very nice... in a Mortisha and Gomez sense of "nice." :^)

[MirrorsAndMonoxide]

I like it a lot. It reminds me of when someone says "I'd die for you" in a figurative manner, but thie poem takes it literally.

[Rotting Corpse]

Oooohhhh it was so sweet and beutifull!!!!!! Talk about true love (am I being romantic? OMFG!!!!!!!!) As for the boy, Have a killer birthiday,sunshine!Muahahahaha!!!! Lol...

[Crying_Crimson_Tears]

I loved it. That was beautiful and so dark.

Oooooo, it gave me chills.

[MirrorsAndMonoxide]

Thank you both. =]
It's my best poem.
Most of my poetry kind of sucks.

[Crying_Crimson_Tears]

You're welcome. I think you're quite talented.

Post something else, I would love to see what else you have.

[gothicusmaximus]

Like so much you see on the literature forums, this isn't truly a poem, but a glorified, gothy hallmark card. You have no metaphor, no figurative language, the piece operates on only one level- the literal. Furthermore, the rhyme scheme is inconsistent, haphazardly implemented in some lines but not in others, and finally, cliches are distributed liberally throughout, weakening the thing even further- the audience doesn't even register phrases such as "You're my world" and "I'm here until the end" because they're so commonplace and abused.

[Underwater Ophelia]

I don't think it's terrible...but you aren't really saying much. I feel like you're using a sledgehammer to knock on a door.
I also agree with Maximus--it doesn't really feel poetic.

[Godslayer Jillian]

The only thing I'm worried about is the seriousness of the poem.
It would be nice if it is camp, but to me it reads as if the story is sure of itself that it is in fact a poem.

[StasisInDarkness]

I think this poem could benefit greatly from some imagery...some visceral sights sounds, odors, and tastes to engage the reader.

[MirrorsAndMonoxide]

Is there something wrong with being too literal? And what's wrong with cliches? It gets the point across and it's not like it's difficult to understand what the poem is about. The only part in which the rhyme changes is in the second stanza and then the pathetic attempt to rhyme 'can' with 'end' but I still think it goes along well.

Poetry should not have to follow a rule. If it accomplishes what it was supposed to accomplish then I see nothing wrong with it.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by MirrorsAndMonoxide

Is there something wrong with being too literal? And what's wrong with cliches? It gets the point across and it's not like it's difficult to understand what the poem is about. The only part in which the rhyme changes is in the second stanza and then the pathetic attempt to rhyme 'can' with 'end' but I still think it goes along well.

Poetry should not have to follow a rule. If it accomplishes what it was supposed to accomplish then I see nothing wrong with it.

No one said it wasn't poetry...it's just not the best.
No, there isn't anything wrong with being too literal, but you're not even doing that. I'm sure you didn't murder anyone, so no, you're not being literal.
What's wrong with cliches is that they aren't interesting. Why write a poem if you're just going to use the same ideas everyone else has used a thousand times?

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by MirrorsAndMonoxide

Is there something wrong with being too literal?

If a piece is purely literal, and doesn't also operate on some figurative or metaphoric level, it isn't poetry. Can you not see that forthrightly saying "I feel this, this, this, and this" or "I did this, this, this, and this" without the use of any imagery or other literary devices isn't very poetic?

Let's make use of an example. Underwater Ophelia likes "First Fig" which reads as follows:

Originally Posted by Edna St. Vincent Millay

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends---
It gives a lovely light!

Now, let's remove all dimensions from the poem but the purely literal, and throw in a nice cliche for kicks:

Originally Posted by Bizarro Edna St. Vincent Millay

I'm self destructive.
But hey,
Live fast, die young, leave a pretty corpse.

Which do you prefer?

Originally Posted by MirrorsAndMonoxide

The only part in which the rhyme changes is in the second stanza and then the pathetic attempt to rhyme 'can' with 'end' but I still think it goes along well.

You also have a random ABAB stanza in the midst of a ABCB stanzas, which is jarring for the reader. Seems small, but I said the rhyme scheme was 'unpolished', not totally mangled. This still brings down the poem.

Poetry should not have to follow a rule. If it accomplishes what it was supposed to accomplish then I see nothing wrong with it.

The only real rule is that it has to be poetry. It must demonstrate depth, dimension, and operate on multiple levels. It must compare and juxtapose, uniting concepts. For millenia now, poets have been able to innovate and push the envelope while still managing to obey this one infinitely flexible rule- you can too.

[StasisInDarkness]

Originally Posted by MirrorsAndMonoxide

Poetry should not have to follow a rule. If it accomplishes what it was supposed to accomplish then I see nothing wrong with it.

Yes, but I'm sorry to say that your piece does not accomplish anything. A poem is supposed to engage the reader on a personal level so that they may derive meaning from it, and this poem, if it may be called that, sadly does not.

As I said before, my conception of poetry is that it is visceral above all else. Screw rhyme schemes and clever little phrases: if a poem does not grip the reader profoundly (through the use of original imagery, I might add), then it is essentially worthless.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by MirrorsAndMonoxide

And what's wrong with cliches?

EVERYTHING is wrong with cliches in writing. They're my pet hate - even minimal usage will always render what might otherwise have been an intelligent and imaginative piece trite and mediocre (and that's only if the rest is ok - if it's not then it will simply be too terrible for words).

Saying things that have been said a million times by others - and probably said better - is pointless. Creative writing is supposed to be about imagination, not rehashing and plagiarising.

If it's not original, then it's extremely likely that it's not worth committing to paper.

[Signe]

Hmm... ...I do not know what to say... ...It is a bit morbid... ...Very dark... ...Sad... ...A bit romantic, even, though in a very dark and kind of scary way:s