Time for a bedtime story.....

Rotting Corpse · 01-04-2008, 09:32 AM

This is the story of a young girl was killed by the one she loved & decides to hunt him down.....

Feeling so cold,I lie in the dark
Deep within I know you stopped my heart
My love turns to sorrow,
my sorrow to hate.
A tombstone can't stop me
you'll to meet my fate.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Soon your iron heart in your blood shall rust

I am the monster under your bed
I am the one crawling deep in your head
I am the one lurking deep in the dark
I am the one that shall tear out your heart

You act so suprized
"What happened" you ask
but we both ca see
what's under the mask.
You're begging for mercy.
Oh babe don't you know?
Death's made me deaf
I can't hear you at all!!

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
now your iron heart in blood it shall rust

I am the monster under your bed
I am the one crawling deep in your head
I am lurking deep in the dark
I am the one that will tear out your heart....

lostintranslation · 01-04-2008, 11:13 AM

I like it!! I don't think you really needed to explain it though, the content is relatively obvious.

Alexander IV · 01-04-2008, 07:27 PM

I agree it very nice
but it didnt put me to sleep :]

Rotting Corpse · 01-05-2008, 02:42 AM

Thanks.It's just that I based it on a story I made and took just part of it so, I wasn't realy sure if it maked any sence(damn I need a dictionary).lol Sorry Alexender, my bad loooooooool...... :]

StasisInDarkness · 01-06-2008, 03:13 PM

As a poem (which I assume this is, given the structure) it's painfully cliche-ridden. There are more original ways to say "I am the monster under your bed", ways that engage the reader more deeply. Moreover, the allusion to Genesis is unnecessary, and even deleterious, to the poem. When you make reference to one of the most well-known pieces of literature in human history, your piece must live up to it. This, I'm sorry to say, does not.

Rotting Corpse · 01-09-2008, 05:49 AM

This is one of my first poems (No 2 I think).I started a year ago so I know it's not good.Still I want to thank you because I'm trying to keep in mind what you guys say so that my next one will be better.I ask for your opinion cause,I don't really like anything I do.lol.

Signe · 01-09-2008, 01:22 PM

Ooh... ...I think I kind of love this poem. Do not know you, Rotting Corpse, maybe you are a bitch, most people I ran into here were, but anyway, this poem is nice. It is very gothic. I think gothic is a GOOD thing. Well, obviously.

bleedingheart344 · 01-09-2008, 01:27 PM

Signe, please. People rarely make me angry here but you are most certainly getting on my last nerve. Please stop creating a melodramatic scene and blatently insulting everyone here for something you brought upon yourself.

0_Cothurnatus_0 · 01-11-2008, 03:29 AM

I like it! Thanks!

Solumina · 01-11-2008, 10:35 AM

Not bad for an early poem, needs a bit of going over but not a bad start

Signe · 01-15-2008, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bleedingheart344

Signe, please. People rarely make me angry here but you are most certainly getting on my last nerve. Please stop creating a melodramatic scene and blatently insulting everyone here for something you brought upon yourself.

What? I didn't do anything. All I am doing is being myself and you accuse me of making things up or making scenes. So if I have opinions different from your I am making a scene? Yeah, reeeally mature attitude.

††BlackRose†† · 01-15-2008, 06:27 PM

I like it.

JCC · 01-16-2008, 09:05 AM

Join a Nu-Metal band?

bleedingheart344 · 01-16-2008, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Signe

Do not know you, Rotting Corpse, maybe you are a bitch, most people I ran into here were

Blatently insulting us for things you've brought upon yourself isn't causing a scene? You have some very flawed logic, if any at all.