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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
12-23-2006, 10:52 AM
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#1
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 195
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Tiny poem: Andromeda
This is my tiny contribution to the world of the written word.
Andromeda:
The stars makes us
feel small
Is that why we hide them
behind the streetlights?
What do you think?
__________________
I'm not saying that stupidity should be a capital offence, but we could remove all the warningstickers and let nature run it's course...
"Nutrizone can kiss my pale, decayed ass"
-Draconysius
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12-23-2006, 11:07 AM
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#2
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Georgia
Posts: 797
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I hope you know we have a thread just for poetry.
Oh and "the stars makes us" should be "the stars make us."
__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord to tell everyone about that time at Ronnie's house when I smashed the beer bottle over my own head.
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12-23-2006, 11:08 AM
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#3
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,688
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I love you, just a little.
__________________
A SPIDER sewed at night
Without a light
Upon an arc of white.
If ruff it was of dame
Or shroud of gnome,
Himself, himself inform.
Of immortality
His strategy
Was physiognomy.
--Emily Dickinson
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12-23-2006, 02:22 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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It's actually very good. But if you add two syllables to the second line, it would be more melodic.
Try this instead:
The stars make us
feel small, pint-size
Is that why we hide them
behind the streetlights?
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
Quote:
Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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12-23-2006, 02:31 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,688
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Pint-sized is such a cliche.
The jar in rhythm there really emphasizes the words "feel small". It's a literary device, more commonly used in longer poems. Those two words are kind of the backbone of the poem, and are emphasized effectively.
__________________
A SPIDER sewed at night
Without a light
Upon an arc of white.
If ruff it was of dame
Or shroud of gnome,
Himself, himself inform.
Of immortality
His strategy
Was physiognomy.
--Emily Dickinson
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12-23-2006, 02:33 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 1,696
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I don't know, Jillian. The way he has it written reads as 4-2-6-5 Which is like 6-6-5 when reading through. Sure, you can add two more syllables, but that seems to take away from the poem in my opinion.
EDIT:
I also have to agree with Dark. Though as you know, Jillian, I don't use specific rhythm in my poem, but I do things just as Zen did to exaggerate the feeling.
__________________
"Don't ever let anybody teach you to think, Lance: it is the curse of the world." - King Arthur in T.H. White's The Once And Future King
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" The Bible (Matthew 7:12)
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12-23-2006, 03:56 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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I love this site: only Goths could pick apart a 15 word poem with the intellectual power that could end wars and cure disease.
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12-23-2006, 04:26 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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Haha, then maybe it's just me, but I don't easily find the meter in the first one.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
Quote:
Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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12-23-2006, 05:59 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HumanePain
I love this site: only Goths could pick apart a 15 word poem with the intellectual power that could end wars and cure disease.
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Please, their assertions are high-school level at best.
I'll give a small bit of information:
Since your poem is rather anticlimatic, I suggest you use syllabism to issue an anticlimatic poem.
6
7
8
3
Would be better, since it jars the reader, similar to Fire and Ice by Robert Frost.
Still, the imagery isn't powerful enough, and the diction is poor, it needs to be revamped.
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12-23-2006, 06:07 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
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Also, "makes" doesn't MAKE any sense, I understand you're using sibilance, and consonance (probably haphazardly), but yet again poor diction.
Feel small is cliche, it should be reworded to something fresher, and don't say like ants, or any small creature, come up with something else. The rest are fine, but master metonymy, and metaphors for more impact. Something this small should speak a good length of thought.
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12-23-2006, 07:03 PM
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#11
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: the eternal suburbs
Posts: 654
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I like it. Short, sweet, and meaningful.
__________________
According to an article in USA Today, children from single parent homes have much better verbal skills than children from two parent homes. However, children from two parent homes are far superior at bitterly sarcastic repertoire.
I'd love to see crowds of kids running away from a greased naked guy with Jesus hair.--c130
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12-23-2006, 09:48 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Or how about:
We cannot reach
the Cosmic heights
is that why we cover
the stars in streetlights?
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12-24-2006, 01:07 AM
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#13
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Bath, England
Posts: 6
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I like this. Such a short poem but with great meaning. I would try to keep it simple if you do any re-writing, to turn it flowery would be a shame.
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12-24-2006, 01:33 AM
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#14
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HumanePain
Or how about...
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The problem is that you would be changing the point of the poem, which is based in an inferiority complex.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
Quote:
Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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12-24-2006, 04:41 AM
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#15
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 195
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Ok, three things
First, this is a translation from a poem I wrote in Norwegian. It seems my translation is rather poor...
Second, I'm 17, and haven't got the faintest clue what metonymy is (will google it, I swear), and wouldn't over-analyzing a poem while writing it kill some of the spirit?
Third, I'm a girl
I'm pondering a re-write now, but all I've got is clichés...
And thanks om3gag0th666, it's flattering to be taken so seriously.
__________________
I'm not saying that stupidity should be a capital offence, but we could remove all the warningstickers and let nature run it's course...
"Nutrizone can kiss my pale, decayed ass"
-Draconysius
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12-24-2006, 06:49 AM
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#16
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenit
Ok, three things
First, this is a translation from a poem I wrote in Norwegian. It seems my translation is rather poor...
Second, I'm 17, and haven't got the faintest clue what metonymy is (will google it, I swear), and wouldn't over-analyzing a poem while writing it kill some of the spirit?
Third, I'm a girl
I'm pondering a re-write now, but all I've got is clichés...
And thanks om3gag0th666, it's flattering to be taken so seriously.
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Being a girl does not add or retract from your writing ability. In the case of your translation, and the fact you are not a native speaker of English, I commend you on a very good job, if you were a native speaker I'd say this is better than average.
Metonymy is the use of saying one thing but meaning something else attached, such as saying "count heads." Which means to count the people. Metonymy is much more difficult to master than metaphors in some respects, you should always strive to make poems that short powered with thought. I'd say at least 2-3 hours should go into that, if not extra.
I spend anywhere from 10-20 hours on a 4 stanza poem. Most of the time no one seems to understand why I spend so much time, or why it's important to, but diction is vital.
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12-24-2006, 07:34 AM
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#17
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,688
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Quote:
Originally Posted by om3gag0th666
Being a girl does not add or retract from your writing ability.
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Nope... But it does mean that we should use feminine pronouns.
I assume that's where the clarification came from?
__________________
A SPIDER sewed at night
Without a light
Upon an arc of white.
If ruff it was of dame
Or shroud of gnome,
Himself, himself inform.
Of immortality
His strategy
Was physiognomy.
--Emily Dickinson
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12-24-2006, 07:37 AM
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#18
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian
The problem is that you would be changing the point of the poem, which is based in an inferiority complex.
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Ah yes, I see. I changed the first part a little too much. Nothing is as good as the original!
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12-24-2006, 07:50 AM
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#19
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,688
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pyre
I don't know, Jillian. The way he has it written reads as 4-2-6-5 Which is like 6-6-5 when reading through. Sure, you can add two more syllables, but that seems to take away from the poem in my opinion.
EDIT:
I also have to agree with Dark. Though as you know, Jillian, I don't use specific rhythm in my poem, but I do things just as Zen did to exaggerate the feeling.
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See, Pyre referred to her as "he"... Thus the gender clarification.
__________________
A SPIDER sewed at night
Without a light
Upon an arc of white.
If ruff it was of dame
Or shroud of gnome,
Himself, himself inform.
Of immortality
His strategy
Was physiognomy.
--Emily Dickinson
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12-25-2006, 12:49 PM
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#20
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 195
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Thank you Demoness for being clear where I was not
And just to be sure, is the phrase "to carry coal to Newcastle" a metonymy for making things more difficult than necessary? (seeing that there is quite a lot of coal in Newcastle, unless I'm long way off)
I've been trying new twists on the poem, and I'll post a re-write now. just please keep in mind that this is a work-in-progress.
Andromeda (II):
Under the stars
We all feel minute
Why build streets, lights, cities
if not to forget?
I had an alternative re-write too, but I lost the question, and then it wasn't "Andromeda" anymore...
Better or worse than the original?
__________________
I'm not saying that stupidity should be a capital offence, but we could remove all the warningstickers and let nature run it's course...
"Nutrizone can kiss my pale, decayed ass"
-Draconysius
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12-25-2006, 12:59 PM
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#21
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: the eternal suburbs
Posts: 654
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I like the original (translation) better...
Speaking of original, can you post it in the original language? I'd like to compare it. Now I speak absolutely zero Norwegian, but the aesthetics of the native words sometimes adds to the beauty of the acquired translation.
__________________
According to an article in USA Today, children from single parent homes have much better verbal skills than children from two parent homes. However, children from two parent homes are far superior at bitterly sarcastic repertoire.
I'd love to see crowds of kids running away from a greased naked guy with Jesus hair.--c130
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12-25-2006, 01:00 PM
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#22
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 240
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Metonymy: a figure of speech that consists of the use of the name of one object or concept for that of another to which it is related, or of which it is a part, as “scepter” for “sovereignty,” or “the bottle” for “strong drink,” or “count heads (or noses)” for “count people.”
It's very fun to master metonyms, they are challenging, and are closely related to allegories.
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12-25-2006, 01:29 PM
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#23
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 195
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Challenging indeed... Well, I'll just read more, and try to aquire a sense of how to use them.
And off course, I will gladly post the original original Andromeda for you BlackButterfly Here:
Stjernetåke
Stjernene
får oss til å virke
små
Er det derfor
vi gjemmer dem
bak gatelyktene?
Hm, I've forgotten a bit of white space in the original post. Damn.
__________________
I'm not saying that stupidity should be a capital offence, but we could remove all the warningstickers and let nature run it's course...
"Nutrizone can kiss my pale, decayed ass"
-Draconysius
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