Forgettable mediocrity-- now with 50% more apathy!

Porphyria · 07-31-2007, 08:21 AM

I came entirely too close to starting my droning with "Hi all!" Good thing the bovine tranqulizers are starting to wear off. First of all, there are questions that must be answered. I'll do that first so when you lose interest around number 5 or 6, you won't have wasted too much of your time reading my lackluster attempt to encapsulate myself with prose.

1. What do you do? (Hobbies, job)
I am a professional toddler tamer. My job requires mastery of both mind and body, copious amounts of caffeine, a roll of duct tape and a variety of noisy plastic toys. My other hobbies include draping myself over furniture and sobbing about the horrid cruelty of the human condition, gaming, graphic design (people inexplicably give me money for this), pretending to be an artist, making babies, procrastinating, fussing over de poh weedle titty tats (!), playing house with a man who claims to be my husband, sewing and various other crafty-type activities, expressing my disdain for nearly everything and appearing to be far more intelligent than I really am.

2. Where are you from?
I grew up in western North Carolina, traveled aimlessly for a while and landed rather awkwardly on the east coast of Florida.

3. Who is your favorite author?
Franz Kafka.

4. What are your favorite films?
I love Mario Bava’s work, among others.

5. What music do you want played at your wedding?
I already did that. We agreed to the whole thing for the sake of my conservative Catholic family and I believe the organist played Pachelbel's Cannon in D. Later, we had a private party and someone played Apoptygma Berzerk's cover of "Nothing Else Matters." I usually think of that when people want to know what "our song" is.

6. At your funeral?
"Treasure" by The Cure. I'm not a huge fan of Fat Bob et. al., but that song moves me to tears for some reason. That’s assuming people actually attend my funeral and someone actually cares what kind of music I wanted to be played there.

7. This IS a gothic website, so... how do you want to die?
I want to live to be 107. I want to be the horrid old woman who lives on the corner in a cat piss-soaked house. I want to terrify the neighborhood children and put a "NO TRESPASSING!" sign on my front lawn. Then maybe a blood clot will find its way to my heart or lung while I’m sleeping and I’ll die quietly. Maybe it will take weeks for the neighbors to notice the smell. In the meantime, maybe my horde of feral cats will eat my fleshy bits. Maybe it'll be so gruesome that the coroner will vomit on my carpet. Hopefully no one will miss me much.

8. What kind of casket would you want?
Burn me, baby.

9. What's your FAVORITE outfit?
I don't understand this question. Did you mean my favorite outfit that I wear or my favorite outfit as a general fashion thing? I'm 4 months pregnant. There’s a rubber band keeping my pants on me right now. When I'm not packing an extra 10 pounds and looking like a large-breasted melon thief, I’m drawn to vintage or reproduction pieces from the 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. I like to mix them with modern elements like jeans or platform shoes. I guess the most-beloved things in my closet right now are an unusual black mesh dress from around 1935 and a pre-war Japanese kimono.

10. What's one thing you miss about being a little kid?
I miss the utter lack of anything resembling responsibility.

11. What's your favorite band?
I can’t answer this properly because I have extremely fickle tastes in music and acquire a new “favorite” band about once a season. I’ve been obsessed with just about every music genre at some point, but Nick Cave, The Dresden Dolls and The Sisters of Mercy seem to have found permanent homes on my playlists.

12. What kind of education do you have? What is/was/will be your major?
I studied literature and fine art at the University of North Carolina and the Atlanta College of Art before I decided to take the practical route and earned a BS in graphic design from the Art Institute in 2003.

13. Why did you join?
Don’t tell anyone, but I think my old forum is going the way of the dodo.

14. If the first 13 questions didn't give it away. What is your gender?
I am a man. I’m a pregnant, dress-wearing man with swollen, furious breasts.

Now that I’ve answered the mandatory questions to the best of my ability, I’d like to cover the important things about me not addressed above. I am a vegetarian and I believe in Jeebus. I’m 25 years old, I’ve been married for 5 years, I have a 21 month old son and I am expecting a baby in December. Despite my best efforts, I’ve become extremely suburban. I recently purchased a vehicle known as a “sport wagon.” Later that day, some men came to the door. They took my goth card and cut it up in front of me. I didn’t try to stop them because their scissors looked pretty sharp.

We covered what I like. Here’s what I don’t like: I don’t like it when people write melodramatic, self-serving novels about their problems with the sole intention of getting attention from strangers. I don’t like people who start every sentence with “Actually…” I hate it when people blame all their flaws on mental problems or make excuses to avoid taking responsibility for their mistakes. I can’t stand it when people lie about things to make themselves seem more interesting when it’s really obvious that they’re lying. I find it terribly irksome when people do and say things simply because they’re expected to behave a certain way. I despise labels and generally dislike people who are overly fond of such things, especially people who are convinced that they are the first, last and only goth to ever walk the face of the earth. Elitism is for individuals who are critically lacking self-esteem. I’m also a little bit frightened of dogs.

If you actually read all of that, then I admire your dedication to reading things. I’m new and nothing I can say will make me less new and I expect, nay, anticipate some degree of abuse. So… hello.

Methadrine · 07-31-2007, 08:24 AM

I read it all, and tip my shades for you. Welcome.

Raptor · 07-31-2007, 08:39 AM

No flaming from me. Welcome, hope you like it here. A far more in depth introduction than usual.

Undead_Stagehand · 07-31-2007, 08:39 AM

Wow. Welcome. You've already earned my admiration.

delicti · 07-31-2007, 09:12 AM

More sarcasm is always welcome; good to have you aboard.

Underwater Ophelia · 07-31-2007, 09:13 AM

What was your old forum?

Renatus · 07-31-2007, 10:26 AM

Welcome, I'm a bit curious about the whole goth card incident. Also be ready for the resident elitist to chime in.

psyches_reflection · 07-31-2007, 11:03 AM

Hello and welcome! If I weren't too lazy to live to 107, I would also love to be a crazy cat lady- it is an admirable goal.

Lapin · 07-31-2007, 11:10 AM

Wow. That was quite an introduction.

Very, erm, descriptive.

Pregnany a bit annoying with the little one trying to stick his tongue in the light socket I assume?

Underwater Ophelia · 07-31-2007, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Renatus

Welcome, I'm a bit curious about the whole goth card incident. Also be ready for the resident elitist to chime in.

...that was a joke.

Saddiction · 07-31-2007, 11:19 AM

This is one of the very few introductions that I actually enjoyed reading. I'm rather fond of your humour, and the fact that you appear to be educated and well established.

Renatus · 07-31-2007, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

...that was a joke.

Yeah I suppose I should add another warning for you, I'm not good with sarcasm so bear with me if I over react somtimes to it.

Aaroneet · 07-31-2007, 02:19 PM

A very well-written introduction. Welcome

.

Porphyria · 07-31-2007, 04:38 PM

Thanks for the welcome.

I want to change my answer to number 8. My husband informed me that even corpses bound for the furnace have to have a proper casket (or a cardboard box, depending on the situation). If that's the case, then I want a squeaky casket-- a really horribly rickety one that may or may not fall to bits when the pallbearers pick it up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

What was your old forum?

I'm going to have to decline any further comment on that forum since I haven't offically abandoned ship yet.

biohazard · 07-31-2007, 10:35 PM

Welcome. I read most of your introduction, very detailed. My mother is pregnant at the moment, so right now I am kind of familiar of the whole process. Last time she was pregnant was 14 years ago, and I was only a small child back then.

raggedyanne · 07-31-2007, 11:28 PM

I read your whole introduction and can truthfully say that at no point in the process was I the least bit bored. I love your description of motherhood. You remind me of my cousin when she was pregnant. : )
Becoming a suburbanite doesn't mean relinquishing your goth card! According to a good friend of mine, scaring other mothers while dropping your kids off at school is half the fun. I wish you luck and a peaceful stomach during your pregnancy and look forward to reading your posts. Welcome.

KontanKarite · 07-31-2007, 11:49 PM

Actually, I think it would be best if I were the first to offer you a big hug for being so interesting.

Welcome to G.net.

deafasadoornail · 08-01-2007, 07:32 PM

Oh crap, you mean I need a card?!? Shi....I mean, welcome. It's always delightful to meet someone else who doesn't think pregnancy is the shiznit.

Lapin · 08-01-2007, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deafasadoornail

It's always delightful to meet someone else who doesn't think pregnancy is the shiznit.

I'm sorry, what pregnant women have you been talking to, that actually enjoy being pregnant?

deafasadoornail · 08-01-2007, 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lapin

I'm sorry, what pregnant women have you been talking to, that actually enjoy being pregnant?

My friends, the ones that have been drinking the Stepford koolaid and are becoming these scary suburban uber-moms, but I don't want to break up with them because I still kind of like them.

raggedyanne · 08-03-2007, 12:31 AM

Was it purple koolaid? Just get really gothed up next time you go out and revel in the confusion. It's what I do with my preppy friends,

Smile · 08-03-2007, 07:17 AM

I hope your baby will be a healthy one! You're very funny, without the least bit of corniness, so welcome.