Felicia

[Signe]

Copied from my blog:




This is a story that I wrote when I was in the psychiatric clinic, it might, ehm, show that a mental patient wrote it. Anyway, it was something I spontaneously and quickly wrote down, so it stinks, the language is lame, the grammar sucks and it is a stupid story. Anyway, it is a stupid story by me and this is my blog, anyway, the people in the psychiatric clinic, both patients and people working there and also my father and brother liked it, though my mother said it was scary.




"Felicia" by Signe Robertson, 2007


"Do you recognize any of these young men?" The police man holds up two photos in front of Felicia.
"Uhm, yeah, but I do not know them."
"But you recognize them?"
"Yes, I will tell you the story."

The day before, Felicia had taken a walk. Then when she was on her way back to school to work on a school project, she accidentally spilled her coffee on a red car.

"I am so sorry, I did not mean to do that."
"Hey, girl, this is an expensive car, I call her Daniela, she is my precious baby, don't go spilling stuff on her."
"Yeah, don't go spilling stuff on my cousin's car, what are you going to do to show how sorry and guilty you feel?"
"Yeah, how about a kiss, sweet heart?"
"No, no, don't kiss my cousin, kiss me, you know you want me, baby."

"Then I walked to school and... ...Ehm... ...Yeah... ...The school project."
"Do you remember if you ever saw the boys again?"
"Ehm, yeah, they followed me."
"How long did they follow you?"
"Hmm... ...Well, after they were flirting with me, I told them to fuck off, but they followed me to school and into my classroom and kept on harrassing me."

"Do you remember what happened next?"
"No, I guess I worked on my school project."
"Miss Carter, seventeen year old Efran Jacobs and his sixteen year old cousin Nicolas Victorson were found killed in your classroom yesterday."
"Are you suspecting me?"
"Now, we're not pointing any fingers, we're just trying to rule out possibilities."
"I see."

"Did anything violent go on in your classroom yesterday?"
"No, the boys left... ...Except, I did break some stuff."
"Break some stuff?"
"Yeah, there was like a cooking pot and a flower pot."
"We did not find any such objects on the scene."
"But there was a cooking pot and a flower pot and I smashed them."
"Why?"
"Well, the cooking pot with the brown shoes kept calling me 'baby' and harrassing me."
"Brown shoes?"
"Yes, the same as the boy."
"Mister Jacobs?"
"Yes, they were wearing the same shoes and the flower pot was harrassing me too."

"Miss Carter, why are you referring to the boys as a cooking pot and a flower pot?"
"No, no, you do not understand, the boys had left when this happened."
"So now objects talk?"
"Yeah, I know, it doesn't make any sense, does it?"
"Are you on some kind of medication?"




This story was written by me and me alone, it is not some story I picked up on the internet, this is my original work that I made in a psychiatric clinic in September 2007. Nothing in the story is real, my mother was a bit worried, since in the psychiatric clinic, I was once accused of hallucinating, though, even if the character in the story hallucinates, it is not based on my own experiences.

[Signe]

now that i think of it, in the clinic i actually wrote "Yeah, don't go spilling crap on my cousin's car" crap, not stuff... ...the other guy said stuff... ...well, well, not a very big difference.

[StasisInDarkness]

The dialogue in this piece is trite and contrived. People don't actually sound like this when they speak, and seeing as the story is so inherently based on language, on what Felicia is telling the police officers, the dialogue must be realistic.

Additionally, there is no conclusion, and although it is obvious where you are going with this, there must be some form of denouement.

[Rotting Corpse]

It reminds me of a "Twillight Zone" story!I like it...I just wish you could tell us what happened to the girl.

[Torrey Pine]

felicia, wrist cutter waana' be grl wafer, in welfare, yur si lame, ee mak yo sick ta me stomach, we doant u git ee reel life, woking it, att am-pamm dis nit cut it in moomy's wrld is oo jok ta me, why did u help sambody wit thee hungry in af''rica er som'thing???? UUU-jok--thread, must bee kid'ing wright????

[StasisInDarkness]

Originally Posted by Torrey Pine

felicia, wrist cutter waana' be grl wafer, in welfare, yur si lame, ee mak yo sick ta me stomach, we doant u git ee reel life, woking it, att am-pamm dis nit cut it in moomy's wrld is oo jok ta me, why did u help sambody wit thee hungry in af''rica er som'thing???? UUU-jok--thread, must bee kid'ing wright????

Please. For the love of some divine being. Use English.

[L'Oiseau Noir]

I couldn't really immerse myself in this piece. I found the dialog, though in some manner realistic (in speech at least), dull and lame. It also skipped around a lot, so I often found myself wondering what the hell exactly was going on. Also I found the description (what little there was) too short and concise, to the point it made it utterly boring to read on. Suck your readers in, set a scene--show, don't tell. Furthermore and finally, there was far too much dialog piled into this story; it's okay to have a bit, but don't overuse it like you did. You hardly used speaker tags for half of them either, which is fine in certain cases, but not as a continuous thing.

[Torrey Pine]

Originally Posted by StasisInDarkness

Please. For the love of some divine being. Use English.

i'm tweaker trash, dis whow wez tic...git it on up

[Signe]

Well, yes, it is a crappy story, it was something I spontaneously wrote down, without editing a bored half hour in the psychiatric clinic.

Hmm... ...I have this story, that is longer than this one that I wrote a few years ago in school.

I do not have that one right now, I have it on one of those floppy-discs, the thing is though, this computer can not take floppy discs.

Well, well, if I would put it in my computer, I would have to translate it to English in case I actually want to show it to anybody who is not fluent in Swedish=D

[StasisInDarkness]

Originally Posted by Torrey Pine

i'm tweaker trash, dis whow wez tic...git it on up

Get what "on up," exactly? My plummeting respect for you? Because, I assure you, my dear friend, there is no need to worry about that.

And what the hell is "tweaker trash"? Perhaps you should consider frequenting another online community if you intend to continue talking as such.

[Signe]

Well, I did not start this thread to fight about language. Yeah, I do not get any of what this individual is saying either, but maybe they have an explanation...?