What the hell.......Judge me.

[Tea and Cake or Death]

I am so fucking fed up with being disrespected by people I come into contact with. I am constantly being criticized, and rejected. All I ever do is try to be nice and please people, and in return I get tossed to the side for all of my efforts. I feel ultimately disposable. And I dare not complain. Then people will call me a bitch for expressing my displeasure. I am constantly alone because I have ALWAYS not been like others. I just don’t know how to connect with people. I am not sure if it's due to having a mental handicap or what. Everything about me seems to be met with an instantaneous wall of dislike, even when I'm trying to be nice, and giving. I’ve done it all. I’ve spent more money on people than I have. I've spent a lot of time on people too. All in the hopes that someone will see how much I have to offer, and give, but nothing ever comes from it. I have spent my nights listening to people complain about their lives because they needed an ear, then nothing. I don’t hear from them again until they have something else to confess. I’m like a fucking Catholic Priest in that way. I’ll listen to your sins, but that’s as far as our relationship goes. I’ve done everything I can to connect with people. I’ve written letters, gifts, money, time, helping people move, teaching people how to drive, loaning my car, all just in hopes that in return someone will say “you aren’t so bad. Let’s go see a movie together.” I’ve been “ditched” so many times that I am almost not really hurt by it anymore. It’s usually along the lines of someone telling me they have tickets for a concert, and they know I like these people would I like to go. I say yes, save up my money, contact these people a ton of times to let them know I have the money to pay them for the ticket, ask about details on the trip, and they never get back to me. And then I come to find out they took someone else, but only asked me because I was there at the time, and they wanted to talk about “something” with me. I’ve had that happen. I’m sick of people thinking they can do that shit to me. I’m so damned tired of being alone. I’m so sick of feeling put down upon that I now get images in my head of stabbing people who hurt, or use me. These thoughts actually make me laugh. Seriously. Like, I literally laugh out loud. I get a feeling of relief at the idea that I could do that. It would be easy. However, I realize that there would be consequences, and I am the only one who really cares what happens to me, so I don’t. Besides, how many people would be THRILLED that I were out of their way. Fuck them. If they hate me so damned much the best way to punish them is to MAKE them deal with me. I’m not going anywhere. I haven’t ever told people this, because I am sure that this is the part where people acknowledge that I must be fucked up to think like that, then choose to antagonize the person who has just admitted to you that they aren’t quite stable in the first place about the fact that they aren't stable. At least, that’s how it’s gone every time in the past that I’ve told people of my other problems. I haven’t a real friend in the world. Well, I’ve got two people online, but that’s about it. I can’t make friends with people I work with because they HONESTLY think because I wear black that I worship Satan. This is not a guess, I know this to be fact because one of them told me this, then tried to “save” me. They didn’t believe me when I said I already do believe in God. They thought I was telling them that so that they would be appeased. One time we had to work a holiday, and my manager bought coffee for everyone but me. So that’s the kind of people I work with. I’ve gotten so used to going out by myself that I now get annoyed when people, like if a family member, should decide to go do something with me. I am in a relationship with a man who has similar problems. We are both so full of anger, and alone all the time that we cling to each other for dear life. But I’m not sure it’s really a love relationship. I think it’s more like we have found someone with whom we are accepted just the way we are, and will listen to us, and not judge us for a change. But perhaps it is love. I don’t know. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if I can love. I don’t mean it to sound as dramatic as it is. I guess what I mean is, is it possible for someone to be so full of pain, and anger, and hatred, and removed from feelings of warmth for so long that they forget how to love properly? Both he and I have some weird, fucked up relationships with our parents. I guess you could do some dime store psychology there. When I was young they put me in the classes for retarded children, so I am super sensitive to having my Intelligence, no matter how weak I really am, questioned. Yes, I have learning disabilities, and dyslexia, but I’m not fucking retarded. How do you think I felt, being in junior high school and being made to listen to fucking HOOKED ON PHONICS! I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO FUCKING READ! I WOULD GET IN TROUBLE ALL THE TIME FOR READING BOOKS INSTEAD OF PAYING ATTENTION IN CLASS! How could they not make that connection? Also I have now gotten to the point where I am overly paranoid. I take everything way to personally, and I don’t know how not to. I have asked people who are pleasant to be around how they do it, and I think they are just feeling complemented...but I really want to know....HOW CAN YOU NOT HATE EVERYONE? HOW ARE YOU SO NICE? I WANT TO BE HAPPY TOO! What are you doing, and how can I do it? Oh! And if someone DOES complement me on something, I instantaneously think they want something from me. I know I’m not smart, I know I’m not creative, I know I’m not nice, I know I’m not pretty...but I can’t be all that bad. There has to be SOMETHING about me that is a good quality. I don’t deserve this. I know this post will probably be met with a lot of “God, this chick is fucking crazy, and throwing a pitty party. Let’s not talk to her because of that fact.” But can’t you see.....that’s how I got this way. I didn’t make myself crazy on my own. I had help. Now I want help to change whatever is broken. Ignoring me further isn’t the answer. What’s wrong with me, and my mind? Can I be fixed? I just want to find something that will help. Something that will work. I’ve tried to fix it before. I have a religious faith. Also, I’ve taken myself to three shrinks, and spent $40k on “specialized help.” They really told me nothing, but tried to put me on meds that made me more paranoid. I hate being this whiny bitchy thing. I feel trapped within my own mind. I just want to not be so fucking depressed. Fuck it. I'm doomed.

[Noirette]

I feel like I was the one to write it.
I honestly have nothing I can say to that will give you hope, but you are not the only one.
I want to believe that somethng can change, that I can be happy without feeling guilty or like I'm not myself anymore, but I can't bring myself to believe in it.
I want to believe that people can accept me as I am, but the more I try, the more rejected I get.

I had a relationship with a person who had a lot of problems which were similar to mine, and it ended in a really fucked up way, caused too much damage that can't be restored even now, because we couldn't help each other. All we could do is to get depressed because our lover was depressed and we were useless one for each other. We only made our beloved one drawn eve more within herself.
Damn, it's the first time I tell a word about that to another person. It's not easy, I must confess.
It's not a good thing to ask a person how to deal with a problem if he has the same problem. It's even worse to have a lover or a partner who deals with your problem. You both get depended on each other, you can't move forward or change anything or help each other.
Maybe you never met a person on ahom you could count to respet you ar you are, a person who is worth your respect?
I don't know what to answer to you, if I try to be honest.

The only person that I respect has taught me thisL
The most important thing, is to remember to take things lightly, in apathy, or just laugh at them. Even if it is a bitter laughter. The fact that you are able to laugh shows that life continues, no mater what happens, until the day you die. Which can be any day.
Besides, if you are mentally strong enough to laugh, that's great. It show you that you can go on, one day and another, until maybe one day things will change. Nothing lasts forever.

I don't know if I believe in the things I wrote on the upper paragraph, if to be honest.

[Solumina]

Tea I wish that there was some great sage wisdom that I could give you but there isn't. It seems as though you have been rejected and taken advantage of that you have started to see yourself as having no worth. I wish that I could see you in real life, give you a hug, look you in the eyes, and tell you how wonderful you are. You are intelligent and more importantly you are kind. I'm sorry that the people around you can't seem to see this.

[Jaye Jang]

Tea, you're not alone. As they say in my home state, "Been there, done that, seen it already." And I go through that every day. Get the same treatment at work. The best thing I can think of to tell you is to just be true to yourself -- and don't let the turkeys get you down. You will be accused of being rude, arrogant, etc., but like the old saying goes, "It's hard to soar like an eagle when you work with turkeys", so ignore all that garbage. Misery loves company and the people who have hurt you are miserable people who are trying to make you miserable. Forget that stuff. Find something that you do well and do it, find something that you like to do and do it, and just try to ignore all the buttheads out there, because believe me, duckling, there are a lot of buttheads out there.

[Tea and Cake or Death]

Originally Posted by Noirette

I feel like I was the one to write it.
I honestly have nothing I can say to that will give you hope, but you are not the only one.
I want to believe that somethng can change, that I can be happy without feeling guilty or like I'm not myself anymore, but I can't bring myself to believe in it.
I want to believe that people can accept me as I am, but the more I try, the more rejected I get.

I had a relationship with a person who had a lot of problems which were similar to mine, and it ended in a really fucked up way, caused too much damage that can't be restored even now, because we couldn't help each other. All we could do is to get depressed because our lover was depressed and we were useless one for each other. We only made our beloved one drawn eve more within herself.
Damn, it's the first time I tell a word about that to another person. It's not easy, I must confess.
It's not a good thing to ask a person how to deal with a problem if he has the same problem. It's even worse to have a lover or a partner who deals with your problem. You both get depended on each other, you can't move forward or change anything or help each other.
Maybe you never met a person on ahom you could count to respet you ar you are, a person who is worth your respect?
I don't know what to answer to you, if I try to be honest.

The only person that I respect has taught me thisL
The most important thing, is to remember to take things lightly, in apathy, or just laugh at them. Even if it is a bitter laughter. The fact that you are able to laugh shows that life continues, no mater what happens, until the day you die. Which can be any day.
Besides, if you are mentally strong enough to laugh, that's great. It show you that you can go on, one day and another, until maybe one day things will change. Nothing lasts forever.

I don't know if I believe in the things I wrote on the upper paragraph, if to be honest.

Well, my current boyfriend is awesome. He's so much better than my ex. My ex was a man who was so fucked in the head he tried to kill himself with a shot gun, and instead just blew his face off. He became blind. The accident made his mental issues worse. I didn't now him before the accident. I never really wanted to be with him. He managed to guilt me into being with him. He was abusivewith me, & controlling. I wasn't allowed to see my mother, or anything like that. Once I said I was going to visit my mother for a half hour, and after 45mins he called me at my mothers house to tell me he was leaving me, and that I broke my promise to take care of him. So of course I had to run back home and beg him to stay. I couldn't face the idea of being the girl who failed the "poor blind guy." That's the real reason I stayed with him. How evil would I look, if I were to break his heart? This poor guy who had been through so much. And he needed someone to take care of him. There were other things too. I couldn't take a nap without his permission. When I went to a new room in the house I had to let him know. I lost my virginity to him in what basically amounted to a blackmail/R@pe situation. So yeah, my new boyfriend is amazing. He understands I'm a little off, but he has the patience of a saint. I'd say the biggest problem we face is my fear of loosing my mother. My father died the year I graduated high school. He was sick, and that was my main concern. I would stay up late at night with him trying to milk every second I still had left with him. I was very superstitious about things, and buried my head in the sand. I refused to pay attention because I was always afraid. I didn't want to know about his decline. After he died I was riddled with guilt. So now that I have my mother I obsess over her health. I obsess/agonize about my one remaining parent. The only person on this planet other than my boyfriend who I can talk to. The other half of my universe. He deals with my constant obsessive worry like a champ. Constantly telling me that she is okay today, and she has a few years left in her. I need him for stability. He keeps me from loosing my mind altogether. And for him, I'm there. I am a person who exists so he doesn't have to be alone. His parents lost him and his siblings because they became druggies. No one in his family would take them in. No one wanted them. Then his grandparents said they would take them in return for the state to pay them. So he felt betrayed by his family which gave him abandonment issues. So his only request of me is that I don't abandon him. Which I couldn't do. As I said before, I need him for stability. I know it seems insane, but we are just the right kind of crazy for each other.

[Tea and Cake or Death]

Originally Posted by Solumina

Tea I wish that there was some great sage wisdom that I could give you but there isn't. It seems as though you have been rejected and taken advantage of that you have started to see yourself as having no worth. I wish that I could see you in real life, give you a hug, look you in the eyes, and tell you how wonderful you are. You are intelligent and more importantly you are kind. I'm sorry that the people around you can't seem to see this.

Thank you. Your post made me cry. Really. Thanks.

[Noirette]

My relationship with my ex-girlfriend sounds like a fairytale compared to yours.
She was(and as far as I know, is) schyzophrenic(sorry for rhe misspelling), ans tried to suicide twice before we became partners. I was the one to stop her. I couldn't leave her because I feared she will suicide. She could "become" someone else who tried to hurt herself and a few times me too.
At that time, things in my home bacame even worse and I really needed help, but she could never help me, Her false promises of help kept me alive, but I seemed to lose myself with every day of the lie of our love and relationship. I've done many things which I regret until this day.
I couldn't bring myself to ignore the miserable girl that is not really crazy, but the hospital makes her take her pills by using force, and the pills make her crazy and lose herself.

[Noirette]

I'm glad that you found somone stable to rely on. I'm glad that you found each other.

[Tea and Cake or Death]

Thank you. I am glad you are free from your own relationship prison.

[Solumina]

Originally Posted by Tea and Cake or Death

Thank you. Your post made me cry. Really. Thanks.

I'm glad to help, I just wish that there was more that I could do.

[Noirette]

Thank you.
The consequences still haunt me, but I won't let it bring me down.
It's calming, to tell someone about it. Like exposing a shadow into light.

[Tam Li Hua]

*hugs Tea*

I know how you feel, girl. All I can tell you is that yes, it -does- get better. I had the same problem when I was in high school; it just seemed like no one was really interested in me. Things got better in college, and after I read How To Win Friends and Influence People. It's kind of an older book, and it isn't religious, but it did help me to understand things a great deal better. Also, Boundaries: How to Say Yes, How To Say No, How to Take Control Of Your Life helped a lot. And moving to a completely different area where I could start fresh.

I don't know if these things can help, but just know that there's folks out here who've been through that before, and come out of the other side alive and well.

[Catch]

Often feeling misunderstood comes from a lack of understanding others. Personally, I hate most people and have tried positive thinking to no end in attempting to correct that. Oh well. I am religious, uptight and would rather not be involved. However, I don't feel like people don't understand. In fact, I do. In fact, I think that is probably why they leave it in my hands to talk to them first, which was stupid of all of them. Almost like they took the bait.

Anyway, if you are feeling like others don't understand you, trying sympathizing and empatizing more. If you feel up to it you could try meditating on the green chakra. That chakra represents heart. You can get to the link through my sig, Chakra somethin'

[Crying_Crimson_Tears]

I know this may not be a lot of help, but remember you ARE a great person. And I know a lot of us here on this board like you. You're a sweet person and no one should make you feel the way you do. If you want to talk my AIM is journeyrocks1109.