I watched you deal in a dying day, And throw a living past away...

[Anti-Mindvirus]

You know what? I have made a huge mistake with my life. I have known this for some time, but never wanted to admit it to myself. Nothing is working out for me because of me. That has always been the case. I just had preferred to lie to myself and others about it, about why I am so unhappy. I make myself unhappy. I ruin myself. I always have. How do you stop something like that? Can you? Can you fix yourself after so long? I am so afraid the answer will be no. If it is, I will have wasted my life before it even really started. I am such an idiot! I've had many, many chances and I have wasted almost all of them. I am weak, stupid, afraid, and no one can trust me. how is that for a self evaluation? Anyone I know in real life cannot say any of this is not true, because it all is and I should have seen it soooo much sooner before I bothered in anyones life. I hope you hate me. I hope you all don't have anything to do with me anymore. I am a waste of your time and care. I will just suck you dry. Tell me I am wrong. Please. if I was, I might try to fix myself if there is anything left to fix. I cannot tell you how much i would love to be wrong. Do I have anything to live for (that I have not ruined already)? I wish for that. as much good as wishing will do. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to know anyone so I can't disappoint them. if only it was that easy, if only i didn't get lonely.





No one wants to know where I am or what I am doing unless they want something from me, want me to do something for them. When I am not around for a while, no one misses me. I know because I have asked others, 'why did you not call till now?' 'well, I've been busy, and i wanted to see you today... do you think you can hang out today? and maybe we can go to the store.. i need this and that, and i can't really pay for it.. so..' that is how most of my calls go. so good to be liked. If I don't call or contact anyone for say, two weeks, no one will notice. Or say a month. No one will say anything. I may try to talk to them, but most of the time i get no reply. Lovely.

So here he comes with the blank expression
Especially for me Because he knows I feel the same
Because happy and sad come in quick succession
I'm never going to become what you became
Don't you dare disturb me
(Don't complicate my peace of mind)
While I'm balancing my past
(Don't complicate my peace of mind)
Because you can't help or hurt me
(The anger, being mean was just a waste of time)
Like it already has
I may not seem quite right
But I'm not fucked, not quite

Will I ever be any different? Will I ever be ale to let myself be happy? I really fucking hope so. I see my moving away from here as the only chance i have left to fix myself, and become who I clearly can be. If any of you read this, and can help me,, please fucking help me. I need it more than ever. I need you to help me help myself.

Here's the silhouette, the face always turned away
The bleeding color gone to black, dying like a day
Couldn't figure out what made you so unhappy
Shook your head to say no, no, no
And stopped for a spell
And stayed that way
Oh well, okay
I got pictures, I just don't see it anymore
Climbing hour upon hour through a total bore
With the one I keep where it never fades
In the safety of a pitch black mind
An airless cell that blocks the day
Oh well, okay
If you get a feeling the next time you see me
Do me a favor and let me know
Because it's hard to tell
It's hard to say
Oh well, okay
Oh well, okay
Oh well, okay

[I know no one here can help me with this, but it makes me feel better to post this.]

[faye_falling]

I'm not going to say I know how you feel or how to get through this, because I don't. It's up to you to work through everything and come out better on the other side. You have two choices: chaange yourself or accept yourself. Start small, it's possible.

[Minyaliel]

Go see a councellor - you seem pretty depressed. And for heaven's sake don't do anything stupid. Even though you might not realise it right now, there will always be someone who cares about you. I recognize your attitude from a part of my life and my own behaviour where I was later diagnozed as suicidal and depressed. Just go talk to someone. Venting helps.

[Tam Li Hua]

I actually -do- know how you feel; I've been down that road myself.

If you really want to change, then I suggest the same thing as Min: counseling. But I would also urge you to look into some kind of medication. I was terribly anxious and depressed over nothing for a long time until I got on Paxil. Now, things don't seem quite as dark and horrible and serious as they did before. [And trust me, before I was -right- on the edge -all- the time.]

Another thing you may want to do is to try and forgive yourself for the past; you can't change it, but you -can- learn from it. Or, if there is a way for you to still set things right, then see what you can do to do that. Perhaps even get involved in some kind of community help project; sometimes it helps when you are able to actively help others.

Things -can- change for the better, I promise.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

I would recommend try counseling first, and if it absolutely neccesary, and all other roads have failed, then ues medication. Drugging yourself doesn't help you deal with depression to resolve it, it makes you forget it's there.

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by Joker_in_the_Pack

I would recommend try counseling first, and if it absolutely neccesary, and all other roads have failed, then ues medication. Drugging yourself doesn't help you deal with depression to resolve it, it makes you forget it's there.

Well, you -do- have a point there, though sometimes medication can be used to help folks to deal with stuff if they're emotions are -completely- out of control [like if they are super-aggressive, or are seriously suicidal]. Not all of it does extreme things.

In my case, I'm taking Paxil due to an on-going problem with controlling my aggression and my emotions. I had been through a -ton- of counseling, which helped immensely, but I still wasn't able to stop the downward spiral on my own. Even when nothing was really wrong, my emotions would spiral downward, completely out of my control and completely against my will. I fought the idea of taking medication for a -long- time, but ever since I started this past April, I have felt -tons- better. More 'normal' if you will, and able to handle daily life in a healthy manner instead of being driven to the brink almost every day.

Anyways, that's my two cents. I hope all of this is helpful to the OP!

[Mir]

I am so lucky.

[Anti-Mindvirus]

wow, well thank you all, this really helps..

[Strīcan]

Anti-Mindvirus, I can understand very much where you're coming from. This is how I see your situation in my humble opinion:

It's never too late to start over. Start over with yourself. Forgive yourself for what you've done in the past, put your mistakes in an imaginary box, try to make peace with yourself and try to do more positive things that'll make you happier. Tell yourself that it's alright that you made mistakes in the past, as long as you learn from them. Yes, you can fix yourself after so long. Then again, you're still young. It's not too late. If it's a change for good, why not? Give yourself a chance. You may have wasted your life in the past, but if you stayed in this isolated hole, you might waste your future as well.

What do you live for? Say, the future. You're young, chances are you still have your life ahead of you. If you changed now, maybe you'll have a shot in getting the things you dream of. You don't have to know what they are now, maybe it'll occur to you eventually what is it that you want. And when that day comes, you'd want yourself to be prepared, so you can still have that shot.

As for relating with others, you may think of yourself as 'a waste of people's time and care' right now. So, change. Change so that you won't be a waste of time and care in the future. And right now you might feel as if you're only capable of hurting the people that you know, but maybe you're wrong. Maybe they can take some hurting. Maybe there are people in your life that will stay with you no matter what you do.

I know you won't trust me when I say you're worth it, but I'm saying it very sincerely. This isn't just the kind of crap I throw to make someone feel better. I personally think everyone who wants to change for good is worth the change they make for themselves, no matter what they did. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your future and for the better days you might have.

I hope that makes sense.

If you want to talk to me, I can add you on my MSN. And yes, I do want to talk to you, although I know you'd say "No, trust me, you don't want to," I insist that I do.

[Solumina]

Remember that people can and do change, the key is to really be willing to better yourself, which you do seem to be. It isn't a quick process and it isn't always easy, but I know that if you really want it you can do it. A therapist can help a lot, and I think any perspective other than humanistic would do just fine (I have a feeling that you would just think that a humanistic therapist was just blowing sunshine up your ass). If money is an issue then a clinical social worker is most likely your best bet as they are more likely to be covered by insurance and their rates also tend to be significantly lower, you could also go to a psychologist as they are easier to find but they do cost a tid bit more. Both are unable to prescribe drugs and instead will focus on helping you to deal with your problems head on.

If, however, you go to a psychiatrist I would recomend talking to them anti-depression meds that focus on norepinephrine as that is a chemical strongly related to motivation, which you seem to be lacking and which you are really going to need if you want to make any significant change, that and selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) don't seem to make people fell as emotionally empty as other drugs can. Whatever you decide I wish you the best.

[Jaye Jang]

Anti-Mindvirus, The poem is excellent. Keep writing. Finding a way to vent is a good thing. And yes, people do care about you, okay. *h...u...g...s* (That's a long-distance hug, because I know right now you need your space).

[Anti-Mindvirus]

Thank you everyone! But I am not too sure about taking any type of drug. I never want to just ignore my depression, I want to fix it. And I NEVER want to be a zombie!

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Anti-Mindvirus

Thank you everyone! But I am not too sure about taking any type of drug. I never want to just ignore my depression, I want to fix it. And I NEVER want to be a zombie!

If an anti-depressant is the right kind, it won't turn you into a zombie, and taking an anti-depressant doesn't mean you're ignoring your problem, often, IT IS fixing it.

[Solumina]

The right anti-depressant will simply make your emotions a bit less extreme and if you get that zombie feeling then the med isn't right for you (a lot of people just assume that the feeling is normal so they don't bother trying to find a med that doesn't cause them to feel that way). The main benefit of anti-depressants is at they help you to take a better look at your problems and work through them without getting lost in the cloud of depression then as you become better able to deal with the problems on your own you are gradually taken off the medication. In other words they are best used as therapy aids that really help you to help yourself instead of band-aids that just cover up the problem. Not trying to say that you have to go on meds, if you are really against it then that is your call, just trying to say that they aren't bad. With or without meds I hope things turn out well.