Poem (short of): "Lullaby of death"

[Jillian May Scortfil]

- Lullaby of death -

Shine, shine, oh darksome stars
Whine, whine for all your scars
Stay, stay up in the sky
Play, play that lullaby

Twist and turn around your bed
Sleep alive and wake up dead
Dance and hop around the floor
Step outside of the front door

Go and gaze up at the moon
Everyone thinks that you’re a loon
Lovely lullaby of death
Sing along with your last breath

Once you hear it, you will cry
Twice you hear it, you’ll still cry
Thrice you hear it; then you die
This is death’s sweet lullaby

I am but a poor storyteller
My stories can get no better
I will pay the lullaby’s price
For now I have heard it thrice...

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

Once you hear it, you will cry
Twice you hear it, you’ll still cry

Is a really really weak line in my eyes, the repetition was done atrociously and it craps up the rhythm in my head.

I am but a poor storyteller
My stories can get no better

and

I will pay the lullaby’s price
For now I have heard it thrice...

do not flow into each other and the ending is also pretty weak it seems like you were going for that dramatic and epic finish and you fell short, by a large margin.

wake up dead

I didn't think it was possible to do so.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

well, all this was just what came out of my mind... i have warned you, i'm a strange person with strange thinking, and not all people can understand me... you just happen to be one of those who fail to estimate me... however, i do have to thank you for your comment, even if it was not what i would expect... thanks again!

[Jillian May Scortfil]

Originally Posted by Sir Canvas Corpsey

I didn't think it was possible to do so.

this line, "sleep alive and wake up dead", is not exactly literal, it's more of a "sleep as a human and wake up as a vampire/living dead" thing...

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

Hun, you're not that strange or weird, in fact this whole thing is pretty damn generic and you assume I fail to "estimate" you, and that is an insult to me.

Also if that is the meaning of
"wake up dead"
then what the fuck is it doing in this poem, where do the vampires and living dead fit in, why do have to be referenced like that?

[Sir_Vex]

I'm sorry, I thought this was boring and bland. The concept could potentially work, but I think you are using cliched imagery.

Originally Posted by Jillian May Scortfil

I am but a poor storyteller
My stories can get no better

This part particularly, in re-reading it.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

okay, whatever... this is my poem... if you like it, fine... if you don't, i'm fine again!

[Godslayer Jillian]

True shakespearean attitude, huh?

[Jillian May Scortfil]

Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian

True shakespearean attitude, huh?

hmm... i'd say so, yeah! haha

[Godslayer Jillian]

Wow... what the hell...

[LiUsAiDh]

Originally Posted by Jillian May Scortfil

well, all this was just what came out of my mind... i have warned you, i'm a strange person with strange thinking, and not all people can understand me...

You're not 'strange', 'misunderstood' or any of that bullshit, you just can't take criticism. That doesn't make you special.

[BloodyLivingVampire]

I think it's nice :-)

[Sir_Vex]

Originally Posted by LiUsAiDh

You're not 'strange', 'misunderstood' or any of that bullshit, you just can't take criticism. That doesn't make you special.

Exactly. You pointed out what I was thinking of saying.

[Godslayer Jillian]

Originally Posted by BloodyLivingVampire

I think it's nice :-)

Of course you do.

[Fatbaby]

This must be one of your first poems. Who is your favorite poet?

[The Antichrist]

Originally Posted by Jillian May Scortfil

- Lullaby of death -

Shine, shine, oh darksome stars
Whine, whine for all your scars
Stay, stay up in the sky
Play, play that lullaby

Twist and turn around your bed
Sleep alive and wake up dead
Dance and hop around the floor
Step outside of the front door

Go and gaze up at the moon
Everyone thinks that you’re a loon
Lovely lullaby of death
Sing along with your last breath

Once you hear it, you will cry
Twice you hear it, you’ll still cry
Thrice you hear it; then you die
This is death’s sweet lullaby

I am but a poor storyteller
My stories can get no better
I will pay the lullaby’s price
For now I have heard it thrice...

I like it.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

To: Fatbaby

I've written a lot of poems, this is definitely not my first... My favourite poets are two: Edgar Allan Poe and William Blake.

To: The Antichrist

Thank you, sweetheart!

[a morbid curiosity]

It wasn't necessarily a bad poem. You definitely need to work on your imagery, though. Steer clear of all that darkness and death stuff, because you seem to have picked up quite a few bad habits there.
Write a poem with completely different themes, or use a metaphor. Don't copy one from anyone else.

If you're stuck for ideas, try a spider diagram. Write your central theme, and then write all of the words you associate with it until you come to something completely different that you could write about, or use it as a metaphor.

Also, writing always gets better as you grow more mature. The more you write, the better you'll get. Good luck.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

Originally Posted by a morbid curiosity

It wasn't necessarily a bad poem. You definitely need to work on your imagery, though. Steer clear of all that darkness and death stuff, because you seem to have picked up quite a few bad habits there.
Write a poem with completely different themes, or use a metaphor. Don't copy one from anyone else.

If you're stuck for ideas, try a spider diagram. Write your central theme, and then write all of the words you associate with it until you come to something completely different that you could write about, or use it as a metaphor.

Also, writing always gets better as you grow more mature. The more you write, the better you'll get. Good luck.

thanks for the advice! i'll do as you suggest, and see what comes out of it!

[a morbid curiosity]

Oh, it was no problem.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

eheeheeh!

[Despanan]

This sounds like a song, not a poem.

Come to think of it, I've been seeing that a lot lately. I'm wondering if it's because so many middle and highschoolers don't actually read much poetry, and thus the majority of their interaction with lyrical prose is through pop music.

[a morbid curiosity]

^
It's very true. Not only that, but the lyrical prose of the pop music they listen to is awful. I've read far too many poems by people whose main influences happen to be My Chemical Romance or Fall Out Boy.

I do know a boy whose interest in black metal enables him to write quite interesting poetry and lyrics because it allows him to have an extensive vocabulary, but that's another story.

[ScorchedEarthErotica]

i liked it alot

[Jillian May Scortfil]

To: ScorchedEarthErotica

Thanks! (By the way, this is one of my favourite songs! )