Synthetic.

[Versus]

Hrm. I thought I would challenge myself with syllable and rhyme constraints. Sure enough, I managed to kill a decent chunk of time. Anyway. I wouldn't post if criticism wasn't welcome, so share if you have something.

She fancies herself eloquent,
and that she well may be,
but her mouth tastes of excrement
and her words are empty.

Fashioned anew in silicone,
but without memory
of our life lived in flesh and bone
and still so, so empty.

She has felt pain so prophetic,
but only just scarcely.
In the time before Synthetic.
Before she was empty.

From behind closed circuit spires,
I stand as her sentry.
Tending a garden of wires,
a heart made so empty.

[Pineapple_Juice]

I thought it wasn't half bad.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

!!! A new poem in the literature section? You've made my day.

I can't say that I particularly *love* this poem, but that's ok. It's imagery doesn't apeal to me. On the other hand, you've definitely achieved a weird, dirty sort of industrial atmosphere, and that's very creative. The last stanza is undoubtedly my favourite. I don't know what "closed circuit spires" are, but interesting images are drawn in my mind as I read such words.

I'm not sure if there is an intended point/message to this poem, but I'd guess that it describes a lover who has "changed" in some way for the worst, becoming something unnatural and untrue. In spite of this, the writer still clings to this synthetic person ...creepy...

I have to admit, I'm impressed that you wrote this poem using such technical restraints. I see what you were trying to do with your syllable count here, and your rhyming words almost work. Most notably, your quatro format of alternating lines of eight-six-eight-six, rhyming back and forth is an extremely difficult and time-consuming way to compose. Congratulations for undertaking this challenge and doing many things right.

Now for the constructive criticism. There is one area which, if you could impliment into your poetry, could make your future poetry quite excellent: syllable stress. Consider the following line pair:

and that she well may be...
and her words are empty.

The syllable stress in the first line is 1 2 1 2 1 2 (1=unstressed,2=stressed); however, the following line's stress is 1 1 2 1 2 1 .

While these lines have the same number of syllables, they don't follow the same stress pattern so it throws off their rhythm. The stress pattern is more important than the number since unstressed syllables are often optional. Also, note that the rhyming portions "may be" and "empty" don't really rhyme ~ partly due to their opposite syllable stress (1 2 and 2 1). Actually, the phrase "may be" rhymes with "tree" (since the last syllable "be" is stressed, you can use a one-syllable word to pair with it). I can't think of anything right now that rhymes with "empty". You'll probably have to invert the word order if you must use this particular word. I realise that I've completely shafted the meaning and atmosphere of your poem here, but please compare the following lines just as an example:

She deems her mouth a knowledge fount, (1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2)
And though it well may be; (1 2 1 2 1 2)
Her bitter, vulgar words I count (1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2)
But emptiness to me. (1 2 1 2 1 2)

As I said, you've chosen a very restricting format so you almost have to invert sentence format. This tends to make a poem sound antiquated (which some people don't care for). But try composing a poem which conforms to a strict syllable stress pattern next time. It's a hell of a lot easier to work in couplets rather than your extremely challenging, time-consuming choice of format though.

All in all, good job. I hope that you keep writing; you have potential. Do post more poetry.

[Versus]

I thought it wasn't half bad.

I thought the same. You must be as belligerently drunk as I was while writing it.

I can't say that I particularly *love* this poem, but that's ok. It's imagery doesn't apeal to me. On the other hand, you've definitely achieved a weird, dirty sort of industrial atmosphere, and that's very creative. The last stanza is undoubtedly my favourite. I don't know what "closed circuit spires" are, but interesting images are drawn in my mind as I read such words.

I'm not sure if there is an intended point/message to this poem, but I'd guess that it describes a lover who has "changed" in some way for the worst, becoming something unnatural and untrue. In spite of this, the writer still clings to this synthetic person ...creepy...

That's actually exactly what I was trying to achieve. I wanted the imagery to tell the story more then the words, but I always wanted the individual words to be flavorful and express the polarity of the two characters. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's about an ex-girlfriend that I talk to somewhat frequently. Although, I'm not a stalker and my ramblings are just an aspect of my feelings about our friendship. Looking back on it, I guess it's pretty transparent, huh?

The last stanza is actually kind of funny when you look at the thought process that I went through to arrive upon it. I knew the meaning that I wanted to reveal in it, but not the exact imagery. I was looking around my room at various electronics for inspiration until I arrived at my computer. I considered it's exterior of glowing side panels and such, and it seamed to have the appropriate aesthetic appeal (or not, for you). It has a visible surface that doesn't reveal the complexity of it's inner workings. Like the woman, it's interior is just math separated from feeling or emotion. Just 1's and 0's, you know? But to the computer, they mean something. 1 Being a closed circuit, and 0 being an open circuit. I liked the significance of the word "closed" because it made me think "separated" or "isolated from," and the number 1 can be interpreted as something singularly important. Spires, to me, was a strong word to describe a singularly important defensive structure from which to hide behind, so it meant the woman's "beautiful" exterior to me. The "garden of wires" bit is representing the spindly interior, or heart, of a machine in a way that, I thought, expressed complete confusion and disorder. Think how much it would suck to move through a large space of criss-crossing and over-hanging wires and you have the gist of what I was trying to describe.

As I said, you've chosen a very restricting format so you almost have to invert sentence format. This tends to make a poem sound antiquated (which some people don't care for). But try composing a poem which conforms to a strict syllable stress pattern next time. It's a hell of a lot easier to work in couplets rather than your extremely challenging, time-consuming choice of format though.

THANK YOU. I could not understand for the life of me why the words felt right, but as a whole it just sounded weird. I'm not terribly familiar with all the different aspects of poetry and their implementation, so I sincerely appreciate that you took the time to explain it in such detail! I will definitely keep that in mind the next time that I decide to write something. As for more, I make no promises.

[magnus13]

not bad at all.