Short story: What Became of Lilith (part 1)

[Mariner]

A short story attempt. Editing and constructive criticism would be much appreciated. I wrote it quickly, took me maybe two or three hours, so definitely needs some work


What Became of Lilith

Little Lilith trudged on through the foggy forest. It was dark in the deep of the forest, the trees were so thick that once lost in them it was impossible to tell whether it was day or night. It seemed as if it was eternal dusk, a place of its own time or lack of time. It was utterly silent, not a single bird chirped, not a breeze passed through to cause the leaves to rustle. Occasionally a bat passed overhead, but in silent flight. She guessed that when a bat passed it was night, but wondered if the bats could possibly be any better judge at time than she was in such a place. The sky wasn’t visible, there were no paths, and so no way of telling where she was. Lilith couldn’t remember how long she had been lost, she had lost all track of time. She also forgot how she had ever gotten there in the first place. Memory seemed to leave quickly in the woods, so she tried very hard to keep going over in her head all the things she knew about herself, her family, and the world outside…secretly, though she didn’t dare admit it to herself, she wondered if anything still existed beyond the fog and bark that now surrounded her.

She hadn’t slept since she entered the forest, it wasn’t a safe to place let your eyes close longer than it took to blink, she was certain of that. She had no way of judging time, but she had an idea based on how tired she was. She hadn’t yet collapsed from exhaustion, though she was extremely tired. She guessed that she had maybe lost two days of sleep. She knew collapse would be imminent. She hoped to find some sort of shelter before that would happen, she feared what could be waiting for her to let her guard down. Strange things loomed behind the trees in the fog of the dark forest.

There was no shelter in site, and Lilith was becoming certain that she wouldn’t find any unless she could get out. The only thing in the forest was trees, not a single fern lay on the forest floor, not a bit of moss lay on the monstrous trunks of the trees. Lilith was growing hopeless, her steps became heavy and slow. Her strength was giving way and her eyes grew heavy, when she suddenly felt that she should look up. There was a bat, and this time she saw the direction it had come from. She decided to head in the direction from which the bat had come. Surely it had to have come from outside the forest, there was no place for any animal to live in the thick cover of the trees.

Lilith again pressed on, her strength somewhat renewed, though she was still tired. She still feared she could collapse before making it out of the forest. She knew she couldn’t afford to collapse, if she fell asleep she would forget what direction the bat had come from and there was no telling when or if she would see a bat again.

She kept on, determined to find the end of the trees. She again started to go over the names and details of family members so that she wouldn’t forget them, and so that she would feel encouraged to stay awake and continue walking. The forest doesn’t just get one lost, it also causes one to forget things that are important, and even remember things that never were. She had to keep walking for her family, she had to see them again. First there was her mother Caroline, she was divinely beautiful. Caroline had long black hair down to her back, silky smooth black hair, she always wore it up in the most perfect buns. Lilith always begged her mother to teach her how to do her hair just as she does, but was always told that she was too young for buns. Lilith often thought herself lucky to have Caroline as her mother, Caroline wasn’t strict like most mothers, she liked to take Lilith on long walks through the garden while most mothers were keeping their daughters inside to practice their sowing. Lilith felt more energy come to her at remembering her mother, and so went on to remind herself of her father Todd. Todd was tall and dark haired like Caroline, wavy raven locks rested just above his brow. He looked brooding and preoccupied, often with his head buried in a newspaper or book, but he was really very friendly and always made time for Lilith. He often took Lilith fishing, which other fathers sometimes scorned at, but he thought nothing of it. Lilith would have given anything just then to walk through the garden with her mother or go fishing with her father. She felt suddenly very awake, and walked even faster. Lilith then remembered her brother John. John took after his father in both looks and interests, and like him was always buried in books. He didn’t get on well with the other boys his age and so spent a lot of time with Lilith, always defending her when the other girls made fun of her for being such a tom-girl .

Lilith was amazed at how wonderful she felt after remembering her family, she decided she would go on thinking of each of them over and over again until she made it out. Only, when she went to think of them again, she couldn’t remember her mother. She wondered if she even had a mother, and became certain that she must have been mistaken the first time she had thought that she did have one. As soon as she was convinced she had been mistaken and went on to think of her father, she heard for the first time, a sound in the once silent forest. It was the crow of a raven, loud, shrill, and ominous. Lilith was so startled she fell backwards onto the barren brown forest floor, skinning her hands. When she held her hands in front of her to look at the damage, she was met by something much more horrifying than the cry of the raven. She realized that she could ever so slightly see a tree through her hand. She screamed so loud, a few brown leaves fell from the branches above, the only things to touch the ground likely for miles besides the trees. Lilith in panic quickly bolted up towards a tree to touch one. She was still solid…but had become slightly translucent, like bone china.

Lilith, so afraid and confused by what had happened to her, was very tempted to stop and gather her wits. She realized though that it was likely that she would find no logical explanation for the translucence of her skin that could calm her. She would also likely forget the direction she had to continue walking in if she stopped for any long amount of time, everything looked the same, there was no way to remember direction except to continue on. Of course, what had happened, could have no other cause but the dark forest, and would probably only worsen the longer she stayed. So, trembling all over with fear, she tried her best to continue on at the quick pace she had been when thinking of her family.

Her exhaustion once again caught up with her. She tried again to remind herself of her family. She remembered her father Todd and brother John, and reiterated to herself that she had no mother. Glad that she remembered them, and eager to see them again, she was once again able to muster the strength to walk quickly. Before she made it very far, she heard yet another sound. This time it wasn’t loud and startling, but quiet and unsettling. It sounded like a footstep, but Lilith couldn’t tell from which direction it had come. She stopped and looked around once, seeing at first nothing. She didn’t trust her eyes looking through the thick fog, and so looked around once more. This time she saw something peek out from behind a tree only a few feet away. “Come out! I see you, there’s no use hiding now you coward!” Lilith yelled. The figure moved out from behind the tree, and Lilith had to do everything within her power not to faint. It was a tall woman in a long brown dress, the color of the tree bark. Her long black hair was up in a bun that was messy and her hair was beginning to fall loose around her face. At least…it fell loose around where a face should be. A black void existed in place of her face, shadowy tendrils seeped slowly out of the void, as if her head were filled with the very fog of the forest. Tears fell quietly from Lilith’s face, tears in mourning for her life, she was certain seeing such a specter could only mean her death. “Will…will I die?” She asked the figure. A mocking laugh echoed from the black void as the figure’s only response. Lilith quickly wiped away the tears, suddenly deciding that she refused to die a coward. If death truly faced her, she would meet it ready. “I demand to know who you are!” She shouted confidently. A voice seeped out of the gaping hole on the thing’s head that was more demon than human, somewhere between the hiss of a snake and the whispers of many women, “I…am…no one. As…you…will be.” Lilith shook with fear, and she felt chilled, but she got up what courage she had left to reply to the demon. “Will it be you who makes me no one?” At that mocking laughter echoed even louder from the black void before it slowly faded from existence, or at least from site, before Lilith’s eyes.

[Mariner]

Lilith stood there still shaking, she realized then that even her teeth had started to chatter. Fear paralyzed her, and she stood there merely staring at where the demon had stood. Without giving it a single thought she suddenly blurted out, “Was that my mother?” and this confused her. She of course had no mother that she could remember. Then it suddenly made sense, just as her remembering having a mother had been a trick of the forest, so too must seeing the demon been a trick of the forest. Her nerves were still greatly shaken, even if it had been just a trick of the mind…of the forest, it seemed very real. Still, she resolved that the forest would probably cause her to see more similar demons that didn’t exist, maybe even demons more horrifying than the faceless woman, and that she couldn’t let them get the best of her mind. She had to continue on in the right direction while she was able to remember it.

Lilith walked on slowly, and decided again that she would remind herself of her family to renew her strength. This time, she also forgot her father, all that was left of her memory of her family was her brother John. Lilith murmured quietly to herself, “Yes…orphans…parents…just wishful thinking.” As soon as she uttered the last word she again heard the call of the raven, it cried twice this time and louder than before. The piercing noise hurt her ears and she quickly held her hands to them to muffle the sound. Once the noise had stopped, remembering what had happened when she last heard the raven she brought her hands out in front of her. To her horror, she had faded more, and could make out the trees through her skin fairly clearly. Once again she darted to the nearest tree to touch it. She was at least a little reassured, she was still solid, but she could see the tree bark through her hand when she touched the tree.

Lilith’s fear overcame her at the sight of the bark through her hand, and she collapsed at the tree in heaving sobs. Tears watered the dry barren soil. She stayed that way for some time before she was able to wipe her tears and decide to keep going. Tears after all, wouldn’t get her out of the forest. Before she could get up from the tree, she realized she had stopped so long to cry, that she had forgotten what direction she was walking in. She immediately started sobbing again, when she felt a hand on her shoulder, she quickly turned around only to find herself face to face with another specter of the forest. She could not scream this time, crying had robbed her of what little energy she had. All she could manage was to widen her eyes and grip at the tree. This time it was a tall man in a brown suit that matched the bark of the trees just as the dress of the woman had. He also had black hair that fell over a black pit in his face, leaking smoky black tendrils. It held out its hand to help Lilith up, certain there was no way of escape, Lilith figured she had no choice but to take its hand. She reached out to grab the hand, which felt icy cold. Despite feeling very dead, it was strong and helped her up quickly. Hesitantly she asked, “Do you wish to help me?” A very deep laugh echoed from the pit, mocking just as the laugh of the other demon. “No? Then why are you here?” It didn’t answer, but pointed. “Is…that the direction I must go?” Once again laughing was all that spilled out with the tendrils. “Is that where I become no one?” It continued to point as it faded away.

Lilith of course knew that she had no choice but to go in the direction the specter had pointed her in. It could lead to death, it could lead to life, either was better than forever in the timeless forest. Lilith trudged on wearily, motivation was nearly completely gone. She occasionally looked at her hands or feet, to make sure she hadn’t faded any more. There were no bats in sight to assure her if she was going the right way…of course, there was no telling if that had ever been the correct way to go, she had just assumed. She could have been walking quickly to her death the entire time, and she knew that, though she quickly got the idea out of her thoughts. Things were hopeless enough as they were, there was no sense thinking things like that.

Lilith wondered if maybe the reason she saw no living thing in the forest besides the bats was because anything that entered the forest disappeared there as she was. There was no light there for the trees, and the ground looked as though it had never known a drop of water…but maybe these trees took food of a different kind. Maybe the trees fed on those unfortunate enough to wander beneath their leaves. Perhaps the raven knew, was somehow safe from that fate, and mocked the forest’s victims. Lilith had a new hate for the raven’s call, it was a demon too.

Lilith nearly felt like giving up. She was very tired, and couldn’t avoid collapsing much longer. She was certain no matter how hard she tried to go on, she would fall victim to the forest. Then, she noticed a small clearing in the trees in front of her. It wasn’t a way out, but it was a clearing, and any break in the scenery of the cursed forest seemed like reason for hope. Despite being ready to collapse she ran towards it. It looked close, but it seemed that she ran for a very long time without it getting any closer. She started to fear it could just be another trick of the forest when finally, she arrived at the clearing. It was a small clear pond. The water was stagnant, but looked fresh and clean. She then realized how hungry and thirsty she had been, and the water was very tempting. She also feared what water in this forest could do to her. Maybe it was the final nail in her coffin, and would cause her to disappear completely. Thirst however overcame this worry quickly. She bent down and drank until her thirst was quenched.

The water was cool and refreshing, and gave her a bit of hope. She decided she would again think of her family before going on. Certain that having had something to drink, and the thoughts of her family fresh in her mind would give her the strength she needed to finally escape the forest. She sat by the pond, trying to recall her family…when she realized, she had none. There was no family awaiting her escape from the forest. She wondered then if there was really any point to escape. She had no reason to go on, no hope. Lilith thought aloud, “I am alone…” As she uttered the last word, she heard instead of the cry of the raven she had expected, the flapping of wings. The raven came flying overhead, and landed on the tree across from the pond. It was a monstrous raven, the size of a great dane, but the branch didn’t so much as quiver beneath the raven’s weight. Lilith whispered hoarsely, “Am I no one?” The raven cried loudly, as it did the woman Lilith had seen with a black void in place of a face appeared below the raven and stood there silently. Lilith held out her hand in front of her, she flickered like a dying light bulb, and a tear fell into the pond. The raven cried again even louder, and the tall man appeared beneath the raven next to the woman. Lilith flickered again. The raven cried a third time, this cry was so loud that the trees surrounding the pond dropped many leaves making a circle around the clearing. A small boy appeared between the man and the woman, dressed in the same bark brown. Black tendrils seeped out of a gaping black hole in his face as well.

Lilith sobbed, “Why? I don’t want to disappear…I don’t want to be gone forever. I thought anything would be better than this forest…but I don’t want to disappear.” Laughter echoed from the holes of all three, and the raven pointed its beak to the pond. Lilith was angered by their response, she wanted a reason, she wouldn’t accept the mocking laughter, “Tell me why!” The laughing became deafening, completely drowning her out, and the Raven continued pointing to the pond. Lilith gave up, and looked into the pond…but there was nothing to be seen…not even her own reflection.

[Mariner]

The entire story is now in this thread, sorry for making two separate threads....not really sure what I was thinking when I did that...

[ceb]

You have a good idea rolling here. I'd dare say most of it is good content (solid so far) that can be developed further.

Summary: Basically a one-liner that describes your overall idea. Example - "Mad scientist unleashes memetic mind virus that destroys the essence of Gothic.net." In some circles, this might be referred to as your sales line (pitch).

"Show don't tell." You do this pretty good. I would say, go further, lose yourself in all the synesthesia of your story.

Believe me, in the very few publications I have ever had, the ability to embrace (synesthesia) is the key that will persuade your readers to embrace the reality of your work.

Write, write, write. Once again, it is more than apparent you are doing this. I applaud your efforts. Don't worry about typo's, misspelling, or other grammatical errors when writing. Focus all your efforts on the creation. Believe it or not a majority of the best writers in print have just as many grammatical errors as they do writing content. In other words, it is human to error, on top of that the one who makes the most mistakes has usually made the most effort. (And hopefully learned from such.)

Don't be a writing or "English Nazi". These people generally miss the point and are more concerned with "ego" than understanding what is before them. Find someone you can trust to review your work and will shoot strait to the point and tell you strait.

Frequency: Look at how similar or different each paragraph is. Have you used words, names, and phrases a certain amount of times? If so, re-write.

Break it up into chuncks (ha, chuncks!) Ok, long-winded paragraphs are great, but readers (as I have found the hard way) prefer a sense of pace, and at the same time wish to be entertained in a "timely manner". (This statement is not to detract from your direction.) Use shorter sentences, write how you speak (even in the voice of your character(s)), use vivid detail that clearly defines the world in which your story takes place.

Multiple Possibilities: Free-write as many ideas that pop in your mind when writing on your story. Whether or not you use them all isn't important. What is important is exercising you mind and abilities to effectively do what you do. Who knows, you may generate new content that even you didn't know existed. (It could happen.)

Believe in what you do: No matter what, no matter who comes along to hate on what you do -even you, "Believe in yourself." It's true that Gothic.Net has as many supporters as it does haters, but, if you get your work together and published, this will separate you from the wanna-be's twiddling over their next thread-hate-flame. (Hater - If this last sentence applies to you, and I can find you -hater- I will cut your head off, and skull-fuck you in your left eye-ball socket, while fingering your right.)

Take a break: Take a pause from your work. Walk away from it for about a week. Then come back to it fresh and start over again. Personally, I've taken a year off from writing and have found breath-taking reasons to keep doing what I love to do. I believe you will to.

From what you have here (based on my experience) I believe you could generate a 200 page novel. A minimum of about 10 pages per chapter (plus or minus other standard inserts). In addition, if you can flesh out about 10 pages a day, with about 30 days of dedicated editing, you could have this done (the basic edited draft) in what I'd say...a window of 2 months.

Copyrite your work!!!! ---- I can't stress this enough. Once upon a time, I submitted some un-copyrited material to HollyWood. Not only did I lose all my hard earned work (re-titled and re-worked into another person's work), but ultimately leaned the fucking hard way. I'd hate for it to happen to anyone, so, remember this bit of wisdom.

Hope this helps you out. I use this philosophy everyday.

Keep up the good work.

[Mariner]

Thank you so much for the response ceb, a lot of very good advice. I can't say I agree about turning this into a novel though...I didn't intend for it to have an extremely deep plot, and I can't say I see the potential that you do for it to be developed further. I'm interested in publishing eventually, but I thought this story would be better to use as a learning experience.

[ceb]

No problem. It's more than ok to write just for yourself and personal development. I do it all the time. Learning by doing is the best way to develop wisdom by proxy of experience.

As far as looking at the potential, in a way, I guess you could say after working in the trenches from time to time you get hardwired for it.

It is perfectly ok to disagree. That's how intelligible convo's work. Kind of in a(n) indirect way, you have in fact published your work here in electronic print in the Gothic.net forum. If you look very carefully at the copyright laws they speak quite clearly about what dictates publication. I'd say have a look at that when you can.

Once again, keep up the good work and I look forward to your future success (in learning experience or print).

[ceb]

Somewhere up there, the word "learned" I spelled "leaned".

See, even I can fuck up. Ha, learn by fucking experience.

"Ah so, my ahso!," said the lil squashed grasshopper.

[Mariner]

Thank you again ceb. I'll certainly keep up the writing.