New Joke thread - Page 4

Blushing Heliophobe · 12-14-2005, 12:59 AM

Oh, Devereux, it's on!

(Are you a Frenchy, any chance?)

Q. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
A. Dam!

Q. What's the most musical part of your body?
A. Your nose. You can pick it and blow it!

Top that, mister-my-jokes-are-worse-than-yours!

devereaux · 12-14-2005, 01:13 AM

Yeah, I can't compete with those winners right there...

Actually I'm of Mexican-Norwegian descent

Blushing Heliophobe · 12-14-2005, 01:30 AM

Odd mix there.

Okay, how about this one.

Two high school age girls decide to go to a movie. They buy their tickets, popcorn, what have you, and get in line to enter the theater. While in line, they are stopped by a large, smelly, and generally nasty pirate. He says, "You girls can't go in there!", to which they respond, "Well Pirate-Man, we paid for our tickets already, why can't we go in?". He scowled and replied, "Because it's rated AAAaaarrrrrrrgghh!"

I know. That sucks.

MedicGirl · 12-14-2005, 07:49 AM

K. I got one.

Know the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't HEAR an enzyme!

flawed-mentality · 12-22-2005, 06:31 PM

Heres a few of my favorites. A guy walks into a bar he says outch.
A horse walks into a bar ,bartender says why the long face.
Two elephents and a symbol fall of a cliff ,bud ump tch.
those are some of my favortite lame jokes here are some other kinds. Whats funnyer then seven bebies in one berral in the middle of the ocean? One baby in seven barrels in the middle of the ocean.
A little kid whos mexican is in his kitchen .His mom is makeing tortilas wille shes doing this she spills flower all over her son.The son say hey mama look i'm a white boy.mother slaps him go tell your father what you just said. he tells his dad.Daddy look i'm a white boy.The dad slaps him and says go tell your grama what you just said.He dose and the grama slaps him and tells him to tell his mother what he just said. the mom looks at him and says did you learn a lesson from this?The boy say ya iv'e been a white boy for five minutes and already I hate all you mexicans. I thought that was funny when I herd it.Just so you know i'm mexican.

Shadowed Aegis · 12-23-2005, 12:41 AM

*wonders if they sell dictionaries for the above post*

Demonista_Ravenesque · 12-23-2005, 12:52 AM

My joke:

Q: What does Michael Jackson like about twenty-seven year olds?

A: There's twenty of them.

rubedo · 12-23-2005, 12:54 AM

fuckin classic demonista

Demonista_Ravenesque · 12-23-2005, 01:02 AM

My brother just told me this one and I cracked up:

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: He wiped his ass.

rubedo · 12-23-2005, 01:13 AM

u should be fined for makin me laugh

Demonista_Ravenesque · 12-23-2005, 01:22 AM

A guy walks into a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on his man part.

After asking the tattooist about his request, the tattooist refused, but after hours of pleading, The tattooists asks for three good reasons for getting a 100 dollar bill tattoo on his schlong.

The man tells him:

"You see, I like to watch my money grow, secondly I like to handle my money and thirdly, if my wife wants to blow a 100 bucks, I've got it here for her."

MrMaelstrom · 12-26-2005, 07:54 AM

Girl - Dad, can I have money to go to the movies?

Dad - Sure. If you suck my dick.

She does. Dad gives her the money. As she leaves she says:
-Dad, your dick tastes like shit.

Dad - I know. Your brother wanted to go watch the game.

WolfMoon · 12-26-2005, 10:44 AM

Sooooooo wrong, Mael!

)

Ben Lahnger · 12-30-2005, 12:41 PM

The Mailman

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the
driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one
hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the
first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about
fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and
it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven
times...."

puh-dum-bum!

Ben Lahnger · 12-31-2005, 06:18 AM

As we get older, we really know what we want!

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have s*x with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

(Is this thing on? Ladies and germs, I tell ya ...)

Ben Lahnger · 01-01-2006, 01:10 AM

The 90-Year Old Man

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old
bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When
he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang",
and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly".

...

Ben Lahnger · 01-01-2006, 01:12 AM

A Jewish Guide To Orgasm

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman
complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are
entitled to at least one climax during sex.

So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a strong, virile young man to
wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the
woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax.

They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the
virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that
night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the
other.

When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see,
schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"

...

PhilSmith · 01-02-2006, 05:55 AM

How do you know a drummer's knocking on your door?
He keeps speeding up and slowing down.

What's the difference between a foot spa and a drummer?
One bucks up your feet.

What do you tell a drummer with two black eyes?
Nothing. You've already told him twice.

How can you tell the drum risers on your stage are level?
The drummer's drooling out of both corners of his mouth.

How dioes a lead guitarist change a lightbulb?
He holds the lightbulb against the socket and the world revolves around him.

Ben Lahnger · 01-02-2006, 12:57 PM

Concerning the unemployment problem:

[IMG]

http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c324/BenLahnger/WillWorkForDogFood.jpg[/IMG]

Actually, I may have a position available for that last one! :-D

Ben Lahnger · 01-06-2006, 08:33 AM

Which results in this:

Ben Lahnger · 01-06-2006, 08:39 AM

LEATHER

When a woman wears leather clothing:

A man's heart beats quicker,

and his throat gets dry,

and he goes weak in the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Because she smells like a new truck!

.

Ben Lahnger · 01-06-2006, 08:45 AM

The Challenges Of Being A Redneck

.

Redneck Hottub:

.

Redneck Car Security:

.

Redneck Tattoo:

.

Redneck Gingerbread House:

Ben Lahnger · 01-06-2006, 08:50 AM

FOUR DOGS

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Pencil Pusher, do your stuff." Pencil Pusher went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounces glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and took the rest of the day off, with pay.

urian · 01-06-2006, 08:52 AM

ok. Here's on my little girl told me( keep in mind she's 11)

If you go into the bathroom american and come out american, what are you while in your inside?

EUROPEAN!

=p

Ben Lahnger · 01-06-2006, 09:07 AM

THREE BULLS

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"