why love is a bitch

Iriacynthe · 02-07-2006, 02:54 PM

It's probably stupid to post things about my love-life online, but right now, I don't care, and I just want to be able to talk about it to people that don't know the persons that are involved.

More than two and a half years ago, I met a great guy. We started dating, and we built up a beautiful relationship. After a year and a half, he began to doubt about his feelings. He had been depressed for a long time, and he was going trough one of his worse phases, so he was basically doubting about everything. Also, after a year and a half, every relation starts to change, the omg-I'm-in-love-feeling just becomes less visible. On top of those things, he got to know a girl whom he fell in love with, and she fell in love with him too. Those things can happen, and he needed some time to think, which I gave him. After a terrible week, he decided that I was the one with whom he wanted to grow old, and we got back together, happier than ever.
After slightly more than half a year, he started to have doubts again, but I assumed it was normal that, in a long and serious relation, people had doubts, especially if they already had a low self-esteem. I thought it would pass, so I gave him some time, again. We still regularly saw each other, and we both hoped it would become better again. But after about a month, maybe two, he didn't have time to see me anymore. I assumed he didn't believe it would become better anymore, and I accepted that. I asked him to see me again, so we could talk things over properly, because that's what I need to move on. I couldn't just let a wonderful love like ours fade away, I wanted at least a decent ending for it, a proper conversation, a hug, and the chance to cry in his arms about how miserbla I would be without him, before I could go on with my life. But he didn't have time.
It went on like that for about a month, and than, all of a sudden, somebody told me he had a new girlfriend. I was angry, more angry than I had ever been. I just couldn't believe he had started a new life with somebody else, before he had had a proper conversation with me, the girl with whom he had shared his life for the past two years. On top of that, his new girlfriend was the same girl with whom he had been in love in our first relation-crisis. It just seemed like she had been waiting until I was out of the picture.

I took my phone and called him to ask for an explanation, and he told me he had been scared to tell me. Now that somebody else had done the dirty work, he turned into the sweet man I had always known. He called me regularly, he wanted to see me, and he felt so sorry. I know he really feels sorry, I'm just so angry that he chose the easy way out, while I was still hoping he would sooner or later realise that I was the one he loved.

I've seen him again, and he was lovely. I got the hug I needed, I got hundreds of them, and I fell in love with him even more than I already was. On top of that, he tells me things like that he's not as happy with you-know-who (no, I'm not talking about goddamn Voldemort) as he used to be with me, and he doesn't even know if he's really in love with her. But still she's the one he kisses, he sleeps in her bed, he tells her all those sweet things he used to tell me, and it makes me want to scream. Or kill her. Or both.
Life has been hell since the day I know he has a new girlfriend, and every day is a struggle not to give up, and to keep believeling in love, which I think is the most beautiful thing on earth. Sometimes I manage to be happy for a whole day, I even have a little crush on somebody I talked to at a party last weekend, but there comes always a moment when I think about him, and it feels like everything falls apart again, and I have to start rebuilding my life all over again.

It's just so goddamn tiring, and it's so confusing. I'm angry with him for the shitty way he dealt with this situation, but at the same time, I love him more than I love anybody else, and if he would ask me to marry him tomorrow I would probably say yes. I want to get over this, but on the other hand, I love him, and it just feels wrong not to love him. I want him to become happy with his new girlfriend, but... No, not really, I actually want his new girlfriend to jump under a truck, but I know I'm not supposed to think that, and I feel like a bitch for doing so.
I just want one night of sleep without dreaming of him.

If you don't have anything else to say than 'oh my God, you're so stupid', please don't say anything. If people want to comfort me, say nice things to me, or say nasty things about his new girlfriend, I would like that, but you don't have to. It just feels good to let my feelings out, I think it's a better way to deal with the situation than to stalk him or cut my wrists or whatever people do when they feel the way I do.

Wise Child · 02-07-2006, 03:14 PM

Honey, you're talking to the girl who just got dumped. Love sux and boys smell.

Now let's get dolled up and go find a par-tay!

Iriacynthe · 02-07-2006, 03:30 PM

I love you.
(I know, I have never seen you and you live on the other side of the planet, but still, reading your reply made me happy, thank you.)

Hmm, I just saw you live in London, that's not even that far away!

I have a lovely badge on my bag that says 'boys are smelly'. You would perhaps like it.

Godslayer Jillian · 02-07-2006, 04:04 PM

Love doesn't suck.
Love is life's essence

Iriacynthe · 02-07-2006, 04:12 PM

I know. Love is the most beautiful thing on earth.
But it can hurt so goddamn much, sometimes I wonder if it's really worth it. Deep down inside, I know how happy I am that I've experienced something as deep and powerful as true love, but sometimes it would be so much easier if those feelings weren't so intense.
Love is beautiful indeed, but how can you love, if you can't even find the strengt to get up and make breakfast for yourself?

Being a Lacrimosa-fan, you probably know the question 'is this human, you are only keeping me alive?'. That's how I feel right now. He's the person my whole life seems to spin around, and I wish I could just live for the sake of living, and not for the sake of loving him.

(I sound so goddamn pathetic, can someone either kill me, or offer me a part in Dawson's Creek?)

Wise Child · 02-07-2006, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian

Love doesn't suck.
Love is life's essence

That's monumentally romantic, and for the most part, it is pretty freakin' cool. But there are also weeks where it turns around and fucks you up the ass, and for me this is one of those weeks. So I claim the right to rail uselessly against it... just for another couple of days or so

JuliaGaltic · 02-07-2006, 04:21 PM

Iriacynthe,

I had the same thing happen to me about 5 years ago. Granted the downward spiral started a lot earlier and I only invested 8 months of my time but he had already asked me to marry him and we already had our children named. I know that seems kind of fast but I've only had 4 serious relationships. I never date. I can tell right away if I have an attraction and if I see potential. Usually all my relationships move really fast and are really intense. I like it that way... lots of passion!
My ex was extremely insecure and would always tell me that I was too good for him. Eventually he pushed me away enough that I was forced to dump him. One month later he was with some other bitch. Later I found out that she was nothing compared to me. Not that I'm all that and a bag of chips, but I was definitely better than that girl for him. He just felt more comfortable with her because he felt he could hold on to her. He was always sure I'd leave him.
I know this may not be exactly what happened with you and yours but the insecurity thing and the speedy replacement are right on.

Please don't lose faith in love. Love is the strongest source of joy. Only in love can you experience such pure and unadulturated joy. However, it is a double-edged sword. The amount of joy it can cause is exaclty proportionate to the amount of pain it can cause. That's what makes it sooo wonderful. That element of bitter sweetness. It also makes you enjoy the joyful moments that much more. I couldn't and shouldn't be any other way in my opinoin. Embrace love and all that it is. Joy and pain. Escape is futile!

Really though hun, it is always worth experiencing and it is when we grow the most as human beings. You'll let go in time and find joy in someone else who finds that same joy in you. I promise you that doll.

*tight hugs*

edible_eye · 02-08-2006, 02:54 AM

geisha...

http://www.ioffer.com/img/1117868400...-hug-heart.jpg

WolfMoon · 02-08-2006, 10:03 AM

Bah.

Love hurts.

Time heals.

He's a useless piece of dogfuck.

Wise Child · 02-08-2006, 10:07 AM

And she's a hummin' cuntbag.

WolfMoon · 02-08-2006, 10:09 AM

She'll be hummin' 'round the dogfuck when she comes........

Godslayer Jillian · 02-08-2006, 04:04 PM

Well, if love wasn't so hard to embrace, where would it's magic be?

Empty_Purple_Stars · 02-08-2006, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WolfMoon

He's a useless piece of dogfuck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wise Child

And she's a hummin' cuntbag.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WolfMoon

She'll be hummin' 'round the dogfuck when she comes........

She'll be hummin' 'round the dogfuck
She'll be hummin' 'round the dogfuck
She'll be hummin' 'round the dogfuck
When She cums; err hums..

*Cue Applause*

edible_eye · 02-08-2006, 05:21 PM

i did read it this time.

i have one thing to say.

he's all set. he can go away and bang other girls, knowing full well you'll be there when he gets tired of them. that's the stage you're setting.

if that's all right with you - keep on keepin' on, sista.

Iriacynthe · 02-09-2006, 03:56 AM

Julia: You're a darling, thank you.

I like the song.

edible_eye: I know, I should just stop caring about him, and find someone who's worth my love, but beeing an 18 year old romantic girl, that's hard.

Blushing Heliophobe · 02-09-2006, 04:54 AM

I am going to be a bit cynical here and say that most men will treat you about as low as you allow them.

Not all - for example, we have some wonderful men-folks around here. But most will, sweets...

Wise Child · 02-09-2006, 05:00 AM

Amen ta that. Let's get ball-breaking. I'm sure you'll find someone else, I - after all, one in two people is a man.

And after seeing you in that lacy black dress 'other day, I can only conclude that he is an absolute fool.

I can't complain too much - mine finished with me fair and square. Evidently yours didn't afford you that courtesy, which makes him twice the dogfuck that a regular dogfuck is. (Did that make any sense?...) But the good thing about guys like that is, they toughen you up... or they wear you down. And you will not be worn, oh no. So get chuck your make-up on and go get yourself an upgrade!

Wise Child · 02-09-2006, 05:01 AM

Wow, I just read that back and now I feel like Gloria Gaynor.

Iriacynthe · 02-09-2006, 05:09 AM

Gloria Gaynor? Oh, well, why not.

But you're right, I have a whole life lieing before me, I won't spend it crying in my bedroom because he didn't have the decency to break up with me in a normal, adult, non-cowardy way.

I will surviiiiive.

edible_eye · 02-09-2006, 05:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iriacynthe

edible_eye: I know, I should just stop caring about him, and find someone who's worth my love, but beeing an 18 year old romantic girl, that's hard.

what you're learning now will be, in part, the attitude you bring with you to more meaningful relationships in the future. don't learn to be the "holla-back girl", or however the fuck you say it - unless, of course, you don't mind being that girl.

it's not so much about caring for him, the way i see it. you care about what he showed you way back when. there's more to his personality now. you need to look at the whole picture.

you're looking to him to make things all right with you, instead of taking the reins on your own life. anytime you grant someone the power to determine your outlook on life, you'll not only be disappointed - you'll be used.

Lady Ravenna · 02-09-2006, 08:33 AM

Darling,
I know how you feel. The guy I'm kind of seeing is a total ass and I hate him. So, there you go.
~Lady Ravenna

WolfMoon · 02-09-2006, 08:40 AM

And used is a very,very ugly feeling. In response to Mark's post.^^

Empty_Purple_Stars · 02-09-2006, 09:03 AM

The BEST revenge is and always will be looking so friggin Hawt, it brings tears to his eyes when he sees you.

The SECOND best part about that, is not bothering to give him the time of day, when he realizes how bad he fucked up and how exquisitely Happy you look, WITHOUT him.

Any man that doesn't have the balls to break up with you properly, isn't worth a millisecond of your precious energy or time. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.

Do something to pamper yourself, and concentrate on healing the bumps and scrapes on the inside.

When you're ready, someone fabulous WILL come along, who will make this tool look like the toad he really is on the inside.

Oh and What Blushing said, is 100% true.

MOST men will treat you as low as you will let them treat you.

Don't let them.

Have hard and fast rules on what you will tolerate and won't tolerate, and stick to them.

No matter what.

Your Heart and your Self-Respect will thank you later.

Iriacynthe · 02-09-2006, 11:35 AM

Thank you all, you really keep me from calling him to ask how he's doing.

I've planned a karaoke-night with some of my friends tomorrow, so I'll be able to have some fun in stead of just sitting here at home feeling miserable. In a few weeks, I will go to a party where a gorgeous guy that I've liked for a while will be (it's been ages since I've gone to a party without my ex), and I plan to look absolutely fabulous that evening.
I feel like selling the guitar of my ex (which is still lieing in my bedroom, like about 3 tons of other stuff he left here) and buying an expensive dress of the money, but it's probably a better idea to just give the damn thing back to him.

Empty_Purple_Stars · 02-09-2006, 11:52 AM

Fuck that.

Sell the Guitar. Buy a Fabulous Dress and a Yummy pair of Shoes.

If you have enough, get your nails done too.