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I think I feel the exact opposite about this one as I did about the last one you posted (although that was a long time ago, so I may not be remembering entirely accurately...) With that one, I found the form a problem. With this one, I think you've nailed the rhythm. And I very much like the use of loose, formless rhyme, which is something you can only pull off if the rhythm's right. Not so much the subject matter - it isn't badly written, but the imagery is pretty clichéd.
If you're looking for suggestions, I kind of like the concept of sex as an act of devourment. I realize that's pretty much a cliché in itself, but the difference (to me anyway) is that THAT could be seen as cliché by virtue of being an expression of primal fears, which I'm cool with - there are, after all, very few stories to tell when you boil them down to their barest parts. The cliché of the actual writing, on the other hand, is a problem for me - the imagery is fine, and sets a solid tone, but beyond that it's all very recognizable. A general level of skill and avoidance of bad writing is already there - I think you just need to let loose a little more in terms of imagination. I hope that's clear - what I'm trying to say is that cliché of concept and cliché in imagery are 2 completely different balls of wax IMO.
EDIT: There's a poem callled "The Love-Pet" by Ted Hughes which does something similar to this, come to think of it. I used to have a Word doc of his stuff that Judge gave me (she loved Ted Hughes... sniffle), I'll try to dig it out if you're interested. He starts with similar, basic imagery but ends up wheeling into these kaleidoscopic snapshots of a strained relationship.
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All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs
Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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