Through the Glass Window

Shyantra · 02-23-2007, 10:35 AM

Okay so I know it isn't very long....

Prologue

Down the hall I ran, faster and faster. With each step I took, I heard it’s breathing coming closer and closer behind me. I didn’t dare look back out of fear. The further I ran, the more tired I became and the closer I could feel it getting. I turned right and lost my footing, which sent me hurling towards a door. As I came in contact with the door, it flew open to reveal a chemistry lab. Chemical formulas lay sprawled on the table. Scraping the floor with my nails and feet, I got some grip and continued to run to the other side of the room, near the picturesque windows of tales of the past. There was no latch to open them with, and I felt remorse well up inside me as I threw myself into the window nearest to me. I landed on the ground and as I looked up I saw him looking down at me from the second story shattered window. Darkness enclosed on my vision no matter how hard I tried to fight it.

Tin_Lizzie · 02-24-2007, 10:30 AM

Down the hall I ran, faster and faster. With each step I took, I heard *it’s<its =possesive> breathing coming closer and closer behind me. I didn’t dare look back *out of fear<dele, redundant>. The *further<farther =distance, space> I ran, the more tired I became and the closer I could feel it *getting<approach>. I turned right and lost my footing, which sent me *hurling<hurtling> towards a door. As I came in contact with the door, it flew open to reveal a chemistry lab. Chemical formulas lay sprawled on the table. Scraping <at> the floor with my nails and feet, I *got some grip<do you mean “got a grip”(mentally) or gained traction (physically)?> and continued to run to the other side of the room, near the *picturesque windows of tales of the past<awkward, not clear. Do you mean stained glass?>. There was no latch to open them with, and I felt remorse well up inside me as I threw myself into the window nearest to me. I landed on the ground and as I looked up I saw him looking down at me from the *second story shattered window<shattered second-story window>. Darkness *enclosed on<enveloped> my vision no matter how hard I tried to fight it.

Tin_Lizzie · 02-24-2007, 10:40 AM

Is this the first paragraph of a short story? This has a dream-like feel to it, nice atmosphere. I'm curious who's being chased as well as who's the chaser (I noticed that it's an "it" in the second line and a "him" in the second to last line) and I want to read more.

Shyantra · 02-26-2007, 07:12 PM

I will write more tomorrow and then I will post it. Thankyou for your editing too.

Shyantra · 02-28-2007, 08:33 AM

As I started to come to my senses, I felt a swaying motion rock my body. Suddenly the side of my head hit something and flew in the other direction, landing on something wet and disgusting smelling. My eyes immediately flew open to find myself inside a wooden cage propelled by two grey mules. In front of them, there was a man with his back to my prison, leading this foul smelling creatures along a dirt path between meadows of lush, green grass. As I continued to watch him, I never saw him look back. A strong breeze blew through the wooden bars of my cage, bringing with it the disgusting smell that brought me awake. I turned my head to see I wasn't the only captive. There were five others, two women and three men. Both women wore tattered dresses and gave me nasty and confused looks, like they were trying to figure out if I was a woman or not. I looked down at what I was wearing and saw where their confusion lye. I was wearing pants, but I had a tight shirt on to show my feminine curves. As I looked up, I saw one of the men prisoners staring at me with a lustfulness look in his eyes.

Tin_Lizzie · 03-02-2007, 08:42 PM

As I started to come to my senses<BETTER: AS I STRUGGLED TO CONSCIOUSNESS>, *I felt<DELE, IMPLIED> a swaying motion rockED my body. Suddenly the side of my head hit *something<REPHRASE, BE SPECIFIC: A WOODEN POST?> and flew in the other direction, landing on something wet and disgusting smelling. My eyes *immediately<DELE> flew open to find myself inside a wooden cage propelled by two grey mules. In front of them, there was a man with his back to my prison, leading this<THESE> foul-smelling creatures along a dirt path between meadows of lush, green grass. *As I continued to watch him, <DELE, IMPLIED> I never saw him look back. A strong breeze blew through the wooden bars of my cage, bringing with it the disgusting smell that <AWAKENED ME> *brought me awake<DELE>. I turned my head to see I wasn't the only captive. There were five others, two women<IN TATTERED DRESSES> and three men. Both women *wore tattered dresses and<DELE> gave me nasty and confused looks, like they were trying to figure out if I was a woman or not. I looked down at what I was wearing and saw where their confusion lye<LAY>. I was wearing pants, <AND MY> tight shirt showED my feminine curves. As I looked up, I saw one of the men prisoners staring at me with a lustfulness look in his eyes. <EITHER: WITH A LUSTFUL LOOK, OR: WITH LUSTFULNESS IN HIS EYES>

Sorry this took me so long, I usually haunt the site on weekends because I’m busy during the week.

Shyantra · 03-08-2007, 10:10 AM

Thank you Tin_Lizzie. I wrote more last night and turned in accidently as my paper. :'(

Shyantra · 03-13-2007, 09:54 AM

Seeing that look brought me a faint memory of a little girl cowering by a dirt grimed wall, a scared look was shot at me, sending shivers up and down my body. As her lips started to move, the vision faded away. The vision seemed to last but a moment, although when I returned to my so called reality, the scenery had changed to a small town. Buildings were roughly built with holes in the roofs and some boards missing on the porches of businesses. People came out of these shacks dressed little better than those of my short termed inmates. As we passed farther into town, stares began to grow in intensity just as the clothing worn became fancier. We reached some buildings that were like those in the nice side of town back home; this was where we stopped. The fancied dressed people did not leave their spots, but continued to give looks as if we were a disease.

Tin_Lizzie · 03-14-2007, 08:39 AM

Seeing that look brought me a faint memory of a little girl cowering by a dirt grimed wall, *a scared look was shot at me,<PASSIVE VOICE, REPHRASE> sending shivers up and down my body. As her lips started to move, the *vision faded away. The *vision<REWORD> seemed to last but a moment, although when I returned to my so-called reality, the scenery had changed to a small town. *Buildings were roughly *built<VARY THIS WORD> with holes in the roofs and some boards missing on the porches of businesses. People came out of these shacks *dressed little better<AWKWARD> than those of my short termed inmates. As we passed farther into town, *stares began to grow in intensity just as the clothing worn became fancier.<PASSIVE,REPHRASE> We reached some buildings that were like those in the *nice side of town back home; this was where we stopped. The fancied<SP?> dressed people did not leave their spots, but continued to *give looks as if we were a disease.<AWKWARD,REPHRASE>

Tin_Lizzie · 03-14-2007, 08:46 AM

I feel like I'm rewriting your story, tell me if this is annoying. By the way, there's an opening in my crit-group and if there's any ghosts, demons or vampires in your tales we'd welcome you. No zombies, please! unless it's funny.

Shyantra · 03-14-2007, 05:08 PM

Sure I would love to join. Is it one of the sites that you already gave me? Or is it a different one? By the way, I do have stories that have those in them, I just have been lazy and haven't posted them yet.

And I am sorry that you feel as if you are rewriting my story. It is actually very helpful for you to point those things out to me so that I may change them and possible revise it.

Tin_Lizzie · 03-14-2007, 10:06 PM

Don't worry Shyantra, I just didn't want to come across as bossy! I don’t want to tell you how to write - any words or phrases I give you are merely suggestions. Yesterday I found myself rewording too much, so I had to pull back a bit. The goal of critiquing is to help you write clearly, not to create a mini-me (LOL). That’s an occupational hazard.

Yes, it’s the MuseItUp club, ask to be in the dark fantasy/horror genre.