The Ruins of the Aztecs

[Shyantra]

The jungle became deathly quiet as the expedition, led by Maurice Van Camp, entered the clearing. One could not hear the insect that had been buzzing incessantly since their arrival three weeks ago. There was nothing, no breeze, no bugs, or birds. Very strange, thought Maurice as he looked into the mist looming just ahead. He could just barely see the ruins that they had been searching for. The ones he had been looking for his entire life. And now as the mist cleared and the Aztec ruins cam into view, Maurice wasn’t as excited as he thought he would be, he was nervous. Since leaving camp this morning he had had the feeling that they were being watched. Now seeing the ruins he had dreamed about, the watching eyes he kept feeling, seemed to come right from the empty windows of the ancient buildings. The only thing at this moment, he felt somewhat certain of, was that they were supposedly the first people to come here since the Aztec people left hundreds of years before. If that was the case then Who or what has been watching us, he asked himself. Not wanting to alarm the rest of the group, he shook off the feeling and continued onward.

At the entrance of the archaic edifice, Maurice stopped to stare at the windows because it seemed that the closer he came to the remains, the more intense the stare of unseen eyes became. The team, excited at their find, was opening bottles of champagne and took no notice as their leader walked toward the doors and disappeared within its walls. Entranced with the exquisite and ingenious designs on the walls, Maurice’s eyes traveled up the walls until it connected with the ceiling at which he let out a surprised gasp. There upon the ceiling was a painting full of vivid colors or the gods Quetzalcoatl, Tezcatlipoca, and a couple of the minor gods. They portrayed the story of the Aztec creation. Amazed at the detailed scene before him, he didn’t notice a figure creeping up behind him. Before he had a chance to protect himself, a sharp blow hit him upon the back of the head, forcing him into the darkness of unconsciousness.

Upon awakening, Maurice’s head was throbbing like it was a drum being pounded upon by an angry three year old child. Continuing to throb, Maurice glanced at his surroundings and was greeted with a colorful and meticulous artwork that covered the walls and ceiling. It was a scene depicting the Aztec deities sacrificing their own blood to bring forth the sun, who was Nanahuatzin metamorphosed after he jumped into a fire at the sacred city of Tenochtitlán, to move.

[Shyantra]

Did it suck that much?

[KontanKarite]

Well...

Right from the get go, and I may be acting elitist as fuck, but it seems like you're telling and not showing.

You don't HAVE to do this, but try to paint a picture for us.

I could possibly not be used to your style either. Your pacing seems VERY quick.

[alshio]

The jungle became deathly quiet as the expedition, led by Maurice Van Camp, entered the clearing. One could not hear the insect that had been buzzing incessantly since their arrival three weeks ago. There was nothing, no breeze, no bugs, or birds. Very strange, thought Maurice as he looked into the mist looming just ahead.

You have too much info in a lot of your sentences. We don’t need to know Maurice’s name in the first sentence, or how long the expedition has been there. Instead I suggest concentrating on the scene and atmosphere your trying to create. Or if you really want to introduce Maurice in the first sentence give us more information on him because I just keep seeing that lemur from Madagascar. And why was there only one insect? It’s a jungle.

He could just barely see the ruins that they had been searching for. The ones he had been looking for his entire life.

How does he know that those vague shapes in the mist in front of him are ruins, let alone that these are THE RUINS of his life?

And now as the mist cleared and the Aztec ruins cam into view, Maurice wasn’t as excited as he thought he would be, he was nervous.

You don’t need the “and now” and mist doesn’t clear that fast. Make the guy move forwards - "As Maurice approached the mist seemed to open infront of him revealing ..."

Since leaving camp this morning he had had the feeling that they were being watched. Now seeing the ruins he had dreamed about, the watching eyes he kept feeling, seemed to come right from the empty windows of the ancient buildings.

Not very creepy. Try something like “Throughout the day Maurice has felt curious/interested/imposing/homicidal/something eyes watching their progress though the dense undergrowth. Standing in front of the ruins that had taken over his every desire he felt those eyes branding his skin once more. They were coming from inside.”


The only thing at this moment, he felt somewhat certain of, was that they were supposedly the first people to come here since the Aztec people left hundreds of years before.

Huh? You seem to be saying “I think this theory is a fact.”

If that was the case then who or what has been watching us, he asked himself. Not wanting to alarm the rest of the group, he shook off the feeling and continued onward.

Please use something to indicate thoughts. Italics? Unless the other people are mind readers thoughts aren’t going to scare them.

At the entrance of the archaic edifice, Maurice stopped to stare at the windows because it seemed that the closer he came to the remains, the more intense the stare of unseen eyes became.

You don’t need archaic edifice and it’s not just one building you said before it was ruins. That implies multiple buildings, if it is just one building use ruin at the beginning. I like the use of remains – it makes me think of a half rotten corpse that he has stumbled across.

The team, excited at their find, was opening bottles of champagne and took no notice as their leader walked toward the doors and disappeared within its walls.

That’s right team; don’t even bother checking that the ruins aren’t elaborate cardboard cut outs, just break out the booze. Champagne is supposed to be chilled right? Jungles aren’t someplace you just happen to stumble across a fridge.

Entranced with the exquisite and ingenious designs on the walls, Maurice’s eyes travelled up the walls until it connected with the ceiling at which he let out a surprised gasp.

Exquisite is more than enough information and painting isn’t exactly ingenious. I don’t think you should use walls twice you can just leave it at “Maurice’s eyes travelled until…” Gasps are generally an indication of surprise by themselves.

There upon the ceiling was a painting full of vivid colors or the gods Quetzalcoatl, Tezcatlipoca, and a couple of the minor gods. They portrayed the story of the Aztec creation.

Again you have unnecessary words. “and a couple of the minor gods” ruins the flow of the sentence in my opinion.

"Laid out above him were Quetzalcoatl, Tezcatlipoca and various other deities. The story of Aztec creation had been perfectly preserved, as if the paint had only just dried."

Amazed at the detailed scene before him, he didn’t notice a figure creeping up behind him. Before he had a chance to protect himself, a sharp blow hit him upon the back of the head, forcing him into the darkness of unconsciousness.

You don’t need “Before he had a chance to protect himself.” If you don’t notice the scary figure behind you’re generally not going to have a chance to react.

Upon awakening, Maurice’s head was throbbing like it was a drum being pounded upon by an angry three year old child.

You really like the word upon don’t you? I too think it’s a really cool word but you’re over using it. Have you heard of a three-year-old adult?

Continuing to throb, Maurice glanced at his surroundings and was greeted with a colorful and meticulous artwork that covered the walls and ceiling.

After being knocked out throbbing generally doesn’t go away straight away. Make Maurice groan and sit up or gingerly feel his head and discover a sticky mess of blood matting his hair or something before he pays attention to his surroundings. If you had been knocked unconscious by a blow to the back of the head would you straight away look at the room your in or check you brains aren’t falling out?

It was a scene depicting the Aztec deities sacrificing their own blood to bring forth the sun, who was Nanahuatzin metamorphosed after he jumped into a fire at the sacred city of Tenochtitlán, to move.

You either need a lot more detail here to thoroughly explain the mural, or less information, depending how important this mural is. It the mural isn’t central to the story then leave it at the first comma.

Is there more to come? Because I don't think it's a good ending point where you've left it if this is just a once off.