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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
08-10-2008, 04:18 PM
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#1
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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Ending
Lovely are the trees
where orphans often trample
their shattered memories
yes, it is most tangible
That I am not as delicate
though my body tells me no
I thought friendship was my tourniquet
for you it was not so
So I'll passionatley vomit
a beautiful array
and sink into the granite
and wish on a new day
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08-10-2008, 05:59 PM
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#2
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Kerri, this is sincerely the most beautiful prose I have ever seen you pen.
Well done. I would love to see you write more in this vein.
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08-11-2008, 09:55 AM
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#3
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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Oh, why thank you!
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08-11-2008, 03:51 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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There are a lot of good images in here, but the rhyme scheme is pretty awful, and there doesn't seem to be a clear theme.
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08-13-2008, 11:04 AM
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#5
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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I know I'm not the best poet, but I certainly don't think the rhyme scheme is "pretty awful". That seems a little...overdramatic.
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08-13-2008, 11:15 AM
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#6
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by badteccy
I know I'm not the best poet, but I certainly don't think the rhyme scheme is "pretty awful". That seems a little...overdramatic.
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What's overly dramatic about saying it's pretty awful?
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08-13-2008, 01:43 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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Because nothing about it is "pretty awful"
Maybe "not great" or something...but "pretty awful"?
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08-13-2008, 06:25 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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Kerri, if you can't take constructive criticism why would you post your stuff on a public forum where other writers are known to constructively criticize poetry?
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08-13-2008, 08:20 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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Holy shit, I CAN take constructive critcism, that has nothing to do with it.
I also don't think saying the rhyming scheme is "pretty awful" is constructive criticism, just criticism.
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08-14-2008, 12:33 AM
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#10
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: In your dreams.
Posts: 698
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia
There are a lot of good images in here, but the rhyme scheme is pretty awful, and there doesn't seem to be a clear theme.
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Yeah.
It's contructive.
She told you the good and the bad.
Ophelia could have just said "You suck at life.'
Now that, Bad, is criticism.
She was being helpful.
Now be grateful.
If you plan to expose a 'part of yourself', be ready for a little coontradiction. Not everyone's going to like what you write.
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08-14-2008, 03:16 AM
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#11
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Harlem
Posts: 6,909
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Actually, I liked it. Not to really try to discredit what Ophelia was pointing out, but I personally followed along just fine. In fact, I relate to it. And that's part of being a poet, expressing ideas in such a way that people can relate while thinking you're clever. You've done just that with this. The rhyme scheme isn't the best, but it doesn't have to be. Great job.
__________________
No Gods. No Kings.
Not all beliefs and ideas are equal.
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08-14-2008, 07:27 AM
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#12
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by badteccy
Holy shit, I CAN take constructive critcism, that has nothing to do with it.
I also don't think saying the rhyming scheme is "pretty awful" is constructive criticism, just criticism.
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Constructive criticism isn't criticism that sounds nice, it's criticism that allows or helps you make your work better.
So yeah, given that I think the rhyme scheme was unsophistocated and forced, I thought it was appropriate to just say I thought it was "pretty awful."
Next time I'll be more clear.
Actually, maybe next time you post a poem, just outright tell everyone that unless they're going to sugarcoat their review, don't bother reviewing it.
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08-14-2008, 08:32 AM
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#13
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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Oh shush, I wasn't expecting sugarcoating, calm down.
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08-14-2008, 09:30 AM
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#14
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by badteccy
Oh shush, I wasn't expecting sugarcoating, calm down.
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You're being a real dick and you know it.
I'm done with this.
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08-14-2008, 12:27 PM
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#15
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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Lulz....................
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08-14-2008, 12:40 PM
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#16
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: In the memories of other people.
Posts: 164
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both of you need to chill. It was constructive, but it was just a little bit rough, that's all. Ophelia was just giving you a truthfull answer. I mean, come on, do you want her to lie?
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08-14-2008, 12:41 PM
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#17
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Harlem
Posts: 6,909
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Is this how you guys always get along? LoL!
__________________
No Gods. No Kings.
Not all beliefs and ideas are equal.
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08-14-2008, 12:46 PM
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#18
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: In the memories of other people.
Posts: 164
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who knows... but one of them is going to stab the other one in the eye preeeeettty soon... You can feel the tension through your keyboard....
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08-14-2008, 05:50 PM
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#19
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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it's just the internet, no tension irl.
Sometimes it's fun to be a dick online, don't we all do that sometimes?
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08-14-2008, 06:00 PM
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#20
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Harlem
Posts: 6,909
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Fuck yeah! Fuck yew!!!
__________________
No Gods. No Kings.
Not all beliefs and ideas are equal.
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08-14-2008, 06:47 PM
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#21
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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What did the yews ever do to you? They're a majestic and proud breed.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
Quote:
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Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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08-14-2008, 07:50 PM
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#22
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian
What did the yews ever do to you? They're a majestic and proud breed.
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Funny, you don't look Yewish.
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08-14-2008, 09:23 PM
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#23
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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I'm not. I'm an ash tree.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
Quote:
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Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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08-15-2008, 04:27 AM
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#24
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 2,126
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by badteccy
Lovely are the trees
where orphans often trample
their shattered memories
yes, it is most tangible
That I am not as delicate
though my body tells me no
I thought friendship was my tourniquet
for you it was not so
So I'll passionatley vomit
a beautiful array
and sink into the granite
and wish on a new day
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I was pleasantly surprised by this poem and agree with HP in saying it's the best I've seen you write. The rhythm might not be the most structured in the world but you can definately get a feel for it even without the rhymes.
__________________
Everyone has a ghost...a phantom behind us which slows and drags us down.. This ghost or spectral has a name..."Regret".
"I've never regretted anything..." - Light Yagami
Life is a shit sandwich. Unfortunately, it's always lunchtime. How much bread you have goes a long way toward determining how easy it is to swallow.
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