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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
03-27-2011, 08:26 PM
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#1
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Uniontown, Kentucky
Posts: 334
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Torture
Why must you torture me so?
Can't you just love me as is?
So sick of the treatment
I'd rather have the disease.
You beat me mentally,
it's really sickining.
Just put me down,
right in the heart,
here, I'll help,
I'll hand you the gun and show you where to aim.
How can you say you love me then leave?
To know the cure is heartbreak,
I don't even want to stand your pain.
Can't I just lay down in agony and sleep?
You are my wicked witch and love is the poison apple.
Why do you treat me like this?
I handed over my soul over to you
and now as my blood turns to ash,
to you I say,
I love you and goodbye.
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03-28-2011, 09:02 AM
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#2
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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"I am," I said
To no one there,
And no one heard at all,
Not even the chair.
"This really is torture, Nightwalker39," replied the coffee table.
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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03-30-2011, 07:29 AM
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#3
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Uniontown, Kentucky
Posts: 334
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben Lahnger
"I am," I said
To no one there,
And no one heard at all,
Not even the chair.
"This really is torture, Nightwalker39," replied the coffee table.
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I actually thought this was one of my favorite poems that i have written so far. Apparently not. Oh well...ill try harder next time.
__________________
"The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us. It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear."
-Silvetris
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03-30-2011, 05:11 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Smexyville, Colorado
Posts: 2,424
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That title is so, very appropriate....
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******
Be Kind
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03-30-2011, 05:41 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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This was indeed torture.
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03-30-2011, 08:17 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Uniontown, Kentucky
Posts: 334
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What was wrong with it?
__________________
"The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us. It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear."
-Silvetris
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03-30-2011, 08:24 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Dude, I don't even know where I live anymore.
Posts: 1,276
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Here I will high-lite the parts that were terrible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightwalker39
Why must you torture me so?
Can't you just love me as is?
So sick of the treatment
I'd rather have the disease.
You beat me mentally,
it's really sickining.
Just put me down,
right in the heart,
here, I'll help,
I'll hand you the gun and show you where to aim.
How can you say you love me then leave?
To know the cure is heartbreak,
I don't even want to stand your pain.
Can't I just lay down in agony and sleep?
You are my wicked witch and love is the poison apple.
Why do you treat me like this?
I handed over my soul over to you
and now as my blood turns to ash,
to you I say,
I love you and goodbye.
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The yellow parts are pure garbage. The red indicates parts I liked.
__________________
Caution, I may bite.
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03-30-2011, 08:32 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Uniontown, Kentucky
Posts: 334
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You didnt really tell me what was wrong with it. You just highlighted the entire thing and changed the color on a couple words.
__________________
"The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us. It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear."
-Silvetris
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03-30-2011, 08:34 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Dude, I don't even know where I live anymore.
Posts: 1,276
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Yup, that's about it. Keep this up kid and you'll go far.
__________________
Caution, I may bite.
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03-30-2011, 08:36 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Uniontown, Kentucky
Posts: 334
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Dude if your going to say whats wrong with it at least be realistic and have a valid reason.
__________________
"The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us. It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear."
-Silvetris
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03-30-2011, 09:01 PM
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#11
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Dude, I don't even know where I live anymore.
Posts: 1,276
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...Alright, your entire poem is pure shit. It is crap, terrible, awful, horrible, and any other negative adjectives you can come up with. Your poem wastes a lot of time showing your near-meaningless point that seems to be pasted on at last minute. It is incredibly angst, so much so, I get urges to cut myself by just reading it. You keep rambling on and on with the same theme, that you already covered for the last 3 shitty poems. It doesn't fucking go anywhere or does anything. Complete word garbage.
__________________
Caution, I may bite.
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03-30-2011, 09:07 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Uniontown, Kentucky
Posts: 334
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Actually my other three poems have been about completely different topics all together.
__________________
"The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us. It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear."
-Silvetris
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04-02-2011, 08:21 PM
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#13
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Flowery Branch, Georgia
Posts: 8
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this is how i felt
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04-02-2011, 08:26 PM
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#14
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Flowery Branch, Georgia
Posts: 8
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wow wtf i thought this poem was so good bc i have thoughs feelings a lot and if u thought it was a waste of time then thats ur fault you didnt have to read this poem or any of the other ones he wrote or rights. if you feel like you wanna cut urself bc of this poem then you no how he feels or felt inside and thats the point so you no whats going on with him and you can see how he feels if you dont like it then u can go stick that in your juice box and suck it! <3
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04-03-2011, 01:25 AM
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#15
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Israel.
Posts: 467
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Then fu*cking leave her, don't write shitty poems about it.
__________________
"If you're going to try, go all the way.
Otherwise, don't even start."
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04-03-2011, 01:42 AM
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#16
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Israel.
Posts: 467
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It's b-o-r-i-n-g.
The subject has been written and re-written and re-said and you have nothing new to say about bad romances. You don't even say what makes you fell... toortured, as you described it. You feel pitty for yourself, and that always makes you look pathetic anyway, whether in a poem or in real life.
Your language is poor. Your writing skills are poor. Go read some classical poems to get what I'm talking about.
You don't even have a structure, or rhytm. It's a prose written in short lines with no excuse to be called "a poem".
Now, the subject. You just go and rent. You don't get to the heart of the subject, don't dig in the aching parts- What does she do that hurts you? Why did you let her do it? Why does she do it?
There is no progress at all.
It's just bad, from any artistical point.
But, if it makes you feel you better, keep writing. Whether in prose or poem-like. Get your feelings on paper, what-ever makes you feel good.
Just don't publish that. Spare us the pain in our eyes and you the very justified flaming.
__________________
"If you're going to try, go all the way.
Otherwise, don't even start."
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04-03-2011, 10:28 PM
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#17
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Dude, I don't even know where I live anymore.
Posts: 1,276
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gothicgoddess9
wow wtf i thought this poem was so good bc i have thoughs feelings a lot and if u thought it was a waste of time then thats ur fault you didnt have to read this poem or any of the other ones he wrote or rights. if you feel like you wanna cut urself bc of this poem then you no how he feels or felt inside and thats the point so you no whats going on with him and you can see how he feels if you dont like it then u can go stick that in your juice box and suck it! <3
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Why so incoherent?
__________________
Caution, I may bite.
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04-04-2011, 09:40 AM
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#18
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Flowery Branch, Georgia
Posts: 8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Murder.Of.Crows
Why so incoherent?
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what do u mean?
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04-04-2011, 01:08 PM
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#19
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 416
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gothicgoddess9
wow wtf i thought this poem was so good bc i have thoughs feelings a lot and if u thought it was a waste of time then thats ur fault you didnt have to read this poem or any of the other ones he wrote or rights. if you feel like you wanna cut urself bc of this poem then you no how he feels or felt inside and thats the point so you no whats going on with him and you can see how he feels if you dont like it then u can go stick that in your juice box and suck it! <3
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What the hell does this even mean?!
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04-04-2011, 01:25 PM
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#20
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Israel.
Posts: 467
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Do not feed the troll. Seriously.
[Please ignore the spelling mistakes I had on the previous post. I blame the morning. I always blame the morning.]
__________________
"If you're going to try, go all the way.
Otherwise, don't even start."
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04-04-2011, 08:51 PM
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#21
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Uniontown, Kentucky
Posts: 334
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Why is it that ever person on here thinks that because someone wants to speak their mind that they are a troll? And for that matter, what gives you the right to call them that in the first place.
__________________
"The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us. It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear."
-Silvetris
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04-05-2011, 07:27 PM
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#22
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Flowery Branch, Georgia
Posts: 8
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wtf this is so stupid people just need to back off
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04-05-2011, 07:42 PM
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#23
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Dude, I don't even know where I live anymore.
Posts: 1,276
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SUPER lack of periods make it hard to understand
__________________
Caution, I may bite.
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