I need opinions on this story

[demon_warrior]

Spiders Web
(a killers story)
My heart raced as I trace the cut with my fingers. He lies there,dead,and i killed him. I look at my hands, one is cluthcing a knife the other is red with blood.
I panic, I want to scream but can't. Instead I run, I run from him, I run from the blood, I run from myself. I find myself beside a cold highway. Tramping along looking for a ride. I run the entire scenario back to myself.
His face, the knife, the blood. Over and over I play it through my mind. Finally a car stops and a door opens. A mans kindly face welcomes me. As he drives we talk, about many things. I aprehensively avoid talking much, instead i listen. I learn his name and I tell him mine,Kaya.
I recall all of them, my prey's faces twisted in fear. I pull my thoughts together and whisper to myself,"I will not kill this man. I promise". But the question in this promise is, will I keep it?
"Yes" I say to myself"I will keep it" I feel not at all reassured and the question continues to nag at the back of my mind. My hand quivers as I slide my finger along the blade of the knife I'm hiding in my leg strap. I ask the man to pull over and I get out with my bag. I run from him"NO" I tell myself "I can't kill him" I force my body to run as i yell at my soul.Suddenly I run in to someone. It is a boy about my age,16. He bears a gun as do I, he bears a kniffe as do I. He looks at me as though we've met before. He walks around me, running his fingers through my hair and on to my shoulder. He smilles and I recognize him as Kyn, a boy I grew up with. Both he and I are orphins and we cherish eachother as our only friend. I curl my arms around his neck in a loose embrace. He clutches my wrist looking from my bloody palm to me. I pull my arm away hiding it behind my back. I look at him nervously, but he smiles at me. He takes a step or two nearer to me and says "same old Kaya".
I smile at his innosence,"yup the same old Kaya" I mumble half smirking.He leans towards me and softly kisses my lips. I stand in shock and run my hand along the gun strapped to my hip. He takes my hand and leads me down the street. We arrive at an old burnt out general store. I look at it and ask," where are we?" Kyn does not answer me, He just hurries me inside.The old store is somewhat furnished. the walls look as though someone attempted to wash the walls with bleach. His hand still clasps mine "I missed you Kaya" he whispers. I look up at him my eye's a steely grey. He looks right back. I feel as though i have fallen in to a world of clouds. Finally we're touching, his lips to mine. His hands rest on my hips,my arms around his neck. I let him hold me, his hand carressing my cheek brushing my hair out of my eye's.We part, I smile at him and begin laughing. He hugs me tihgt, swirling my body around.He brushes his hand through my hair leaning down,"I love you Kaya" he breathes.I am speachless my mouth goes dry."I....I love you too" I whisper. Pressing my forehead to his I look in to his eye's,"I really do"


to be continued

[Sin's_Luver]

i dislike you but i think ur story should go to my love

Originally Posted by demon_warrior

Spiders Web
(a killers story)

to be continued [/size][/color]

Awkward shifts from past to present tense, passive sentence structure, redundant tags i.e. ‘to myself’, ‘I tell myself’, and their ilk, improper punctuation, and hasty execution. Needs more description and fleshing out, less tell and preaching.


p.s. you're not fooling anyone with the second idenity. Nice try, and keep working on your skills. Don't be in such a rush, and instead of telling everything use your words to paint a picture.

[Soul_Immortal]

I agree with TStone. Even though your short is written in the first person, try not to use "I" or "Myself" too much, instead, stretch it out with thoughts and descriptions of environment,.....just my opinion. Punctuation and grammar also need to have a little work done on them.


Heres another thing: Write from your heart. Don't write what you think is expected to be read by viewers.


~*Soul*~

[DelicateHorror]

Originally Posted by demon_warrior

I look at my hands, one is cluthcing a knife the other is red with blood.

He bears a gun as do I.

Gun? What happened to the knife? Oh and new paragraph every time someone new speaks. Otherwise good plotline.

[demon_warrior]

Post has been updated since last read.
I greatly appreciate all opinions.

!i!i~Demon~i!i!

[black_fairy]

Mmmm... Maybe the idea is good, but I find that story a little... strange.

I think it's confusing, I'd like the explanations more detailed in some places.

The story isn't very much structured (beginning, unrolling and end, I don't know if you understand me..), if you are starting to write, this is a very important thing.

I suppose it's a fantasy story, but I find it has too coincidences...

I hope I haven't been too hard...... :oops:

[GothHyena]

This isn't "story", this is interlude. I don't care about these people, I don't care about the victim and I don't even have any graphic violence or sexual gratification which ought to be the easy part. I want something really dark, twisted, bizarre, perverted, original or at least just gross before I want someone to hand it to me and ask how they're doing so far. This is 2nd rate filler material for a full-length novel. Also, I think you're Sin's_Luver as well. I said it before, More Work.

[demon_warrior]

Originally Posted by black_fairy

Mmmm... Maybe the idea is good, but I find that story a little... strange.

I think it's confusing, I'd like the explanations more detailed in some places.

The story isn't very much structured (beginning, unrolling and end, I don't know if you understand me..), if you are starting to write, this is a very important thing.

I suppose it's a fantasy story, but I find it has too coincidences...

I hope I haven't been too hard...... :oops:

You have not at all been too hard. I appreciate your trying to be polite about it but as I said before, I appreciate any and all opinions.

!i!i~Demon~i!i!

[winged_dreams]

I shall give my opinion on your story. You seemed to jump into the story a bit too fast and there is no real introduction. You also seem to be rushing and skipping over details just to get on with the story. You have to take your time and not rush to make a better story. Also, you don't have any real paragraphs. You need to have paragraphs everytime someone starts to speak again. Your grammar wasn't that good (mine isn't that good either). I like the story idea but I think you need to expand your story by taking the time to write a good introduction and just flesh out the story with more details and descriptions because I wasn't really sure what was going on. I'm sure if you can do that, then it'll turn into a good story as long as you have some talent at writing. Hope I wasn't too harsh.

[The Truth Is Out There]

Detail is one of the few failings your work has, but detail is very important for the reader to be able to 'feel' the story and detail in the description of a charactors feelings allows the reader to be apathetic towards the hero/heroine and so make the character seem more real and not 2-dimensional. Other than that i enjoyed it

[MrMaelstrom]

I can't believe the amount of times I typed this very paragraph today:

Listen up, Moulder, Scully or whatever your name is... Read the For the Newbies thread in the GENERAL forum and introduce yourself in the INTRODUCE YOURSELF HERE thread before attempting to join a conversation anywhere on this site.