My Love

[Darklust]

I was rather dissapointed that noone had anything to say about my last poem, but heres a new one.


My Love

My Love is quite forsaken, perhaps it is often so
That My Love becomes misunderstood, and my world becomes but woe
For as love is experienced, and saved many a wandering soul,
The love I feel is heartbreaking, and with time has taken its toll.

My Love hast lulled me to sleep, hast cared for me when dumbed
Yet simultaneously fooled me, and to my emotions hast but numbed
Destroyed has it my light, the luminousity of day
And replaced has it but darkness, the fire held at bay.

My Love begot my sympathy, transformed my heart to stone
Drove me to bear the dagger, and bleed that which I own
For gallows now I face, and fear have i felt much
But pay must I this toll, love hast dampered my touch.

Hanging, I feel not pain, for love hast taken mine
And love has stole my anguish, life is but bitter wine
"Oh take my soul, cruel devil, and remind those similar",
"That love is quite forsaken, that My Love was simply pure".

My Love hast taken my life, and soon shall taketh thee
Trod far from love my friends, and follow not like me
Claim love is thee redeemer, place broad and brim a smile,
For swords have thee behind them, as love is but beguile.

[gothicusmaximus]

Rhyming dictionaries sure are fun, aren't they? But make sure you read the definitions carefully, because 'beguile' is a verb, not a noun. Additionally, 'Quite forsaken' is a recurring adjective-noun pairing in the piece, and there's not degrees of being forsaken (something's either forsaken or it isn't), so you might want to fix that. The meter is fucking schizophrenic, the early 2/5s of the poem essentially free verse while that latter half is composed of lines are generally six or seven iambs.
I assume the narrator killed someone, but was it his love? The 'bleed that which I own' is sort of vague and doesn't really let us know what's happened sufficiently, I can tell you sere just trying to maintain the rhyme scheme there. The heart to stone metaphor which concludes the previous line is cliche anyway, so no great loss if you change it.

Finally, your grasp of the English language quite simply isn't the best. Just A FEW examples of this:

My Love hast taken my life, and soon shall taketh thee

Paralellism error, should be "My love has taken my life, and soon shall taketh thine". You probably confused your self trying to talk like a quaker or whatever, but what you have now is the equivalent of "My love has taken my life, and soon will take you".

love hast dampered my touch.

If you want this phrase to make sense you might want to go with a verb that exists, (i.e. not 'dampered')

My Love begot my sympathy

Your love gave birth to your sympathy? Do you mean to say this?

The love I feel is heartbreaking, and with time has taken its toll.

Why is there a 'with' in this line?

I would be interesting to see what you'd come up with if you resolved to rewrite the poem without using the word 'love' once. It'd force you to be a bit more figurative.
Even though I come off as an asshole, you've demonstrated a better facility for poetry than the majority of people who post to the literature forum, which isn't saying much, but hey, it's something. You seem to know what a metaphor is and are capable of crafting some moderately compelling imagery. Fix the meter, remove the nonsensical bits, and repost- then we'll see.